Somebody ask a freaking question

So you know, I basically started a series where I wanted people to ask me questions and then I'd answer them. Except I'm not getting any. Questions, that is. Except from freaking Leroy Hornsnarkle the III or whatever his name is.

No really, use the comments box. Ask a question. I'll answer it. I'm smart. Obviously.

So then I'll tell you my smarts and you'll be smart.

I guess I am a stickler about one thing.

I guess I should clarify that, although I think punctuation, spelling, and use of words that are actually words and not just jumbles of letters that I made up are basically totally overrated, I am a stickler about one thing" proper use of numbers in journal articles. Sometimes numbers need to be presented as numerals, and other times

they have to be written out. It's completely obvious when to use which, and when I see things like "We kidnapped 3 rival researchers", or "Thirty birds had to be destroyed" in people's writing, it's so inconsistent, I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

Here are my completely obvious and universal guidelines that are so simple that a lemur playing a tenor saxophone could follow them.

Use digits for numbers (e.g., 7,000,000,000,000,000,000 and .1) unless the number is the first word of a sentence or is used as a pronoun (e.g., at least one was killed when we ran it over), in which case the number is spelled out. Except, obviously, write out numbers one to nine unless a measurement; use numerals for numbers ≥10. Basically, for things that are obviously measurements: use numerals (6 panda bears, 8 days, 2 television sets). Non-measurements: (a) if 0–9, write out number (eight zimae); (b) if ≥10, use numeral (10 zimae). Series: (a) for a series of related numbers (≥1 numbers), with at least one number being ≥10, use all numerals (2 marked individuals, 22 marked pairs, and 8 unmarked pairs); (b) if all numbers are less than 10, good for you, they'll be easy to add up later. Numbers less than ten within a series should be written out always, without exception; (c) except within parentheses, use numerals: the equipment needed to be replaced when I dropped it in a lake (9 cell phones, 8 video cameras, 7 battery-powered massagers); (e) except also except basically when within 100 characters from the letter "q", then write out all numbers: We cut down one-hundred and eighty lineated woodpecker nest trees with a Husqvarna (Stockholm, Sweden) chainsaw.

Treat ordinal numbers using a random number table, using 3rd for odds, and third for evens.

When reviewing or editing a paper, use a nested series of random number tables, making the logic behind your recommendation of numbering rules essentially impossible to decipher.

When noting the year that events happened, use "in the year of Our Lord Nine-teen Hundred and Seventy-two."

Indicate units after each item (e.g., blood loss ranged from 3 to 10 pints) and use symbols or abbreviations (e.g., % and mllmeters) for measurement units that follow a number. Unless the number is indefinite (thousands of casualties), is a “0" (oh) or “1” (won) standing alone, or is the first word in a sentence. In such cases spell out the number and unit name or recast the sentence. Avoid using introductory phrases (e.g. one day I had to take a dump real bad …).

Spell out ordinal numbers (e.g., first, two-hundred seventieth) in text and Literature Cited, but use digits for cases such as 38-fold and 3-way.

Convert fractions (99/1343, 13321/8463465543, etc.) to decimals except where fractions look more impressive.

Write out all summations and factorials. Show every step, using a number 2 pencil, and scan it in as a figure. Write out the figure number.

When reporting on numbers generated by a computer, use binary.

Report band numbers of birds originally banded in Italy using roman numerals.

Hyphenate number-unit phrases used as adjectives (e.g., 2-m^2 prison cells and 5-yr-old hookers) but not those used as predicate adjectives (e.g., prison cells were 2 m^2, hookers were 5yr old).

When doing fieldwork in a large field, communicate numbers using sephamore flags.

Insert commas in numbers ≥1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 or when pricing garments in Europe.

Do not insert a comma or hyphen between consecutive, separate numbers in a phrase (33-1/3 3-m^3 plots).

Do not use naked decimals (i.e., use 0.05, not .05), this is a family journal. When identifying items by number, use lowercase for names (e.g., 1 bob, 2 ed, 3 shirley).

Use scientific notation in tables to save space (e.g., 1.0 x 10^1).

POGOSTICK!!

Dear readers,

I have found the wave of the future. Have you ever been corrected by someone whose like, that sentence doesnt have a verb! or like dont start a sentence with a comma?!?@! Me too, I hate that. Thusly, I basically have decided to basically start basically my own jrounal. I’ve decided to dispnse with copy-editing entirely. Which makes things alot cheaper. Because it’s cheaper its for sure better. In this nou digital age, we must press forward, and leave the conventi ns of print behind us. The future is now. I present, my new table of contents for my peer-reviewed un-copy-edited Paraguayan Ornithological Gournal Of Stuff That Is Curently Known (POGOSTICK). Additionally, I found it completely unnecessary to employ English speakers, because they are more expensive than is needed for such menial work.

Link to full size cover:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/56209971@N05/5200039826/