Monday, January 28, 2013

Becoming Monetarily Autonomous - A Great Idea

Basically, let me start by apologizing for not updating my blog sooner.  I had to put my HEWO research and obviously the aforementioned blog on hold for a little while as I searched for a solution to a small dilemma I’ve been having.  Basically, yours truly has been finding it difficult to obtain funding for my ongoing HEWO research.  It seems other researchers have started “dipping their hands into the mayonnaise jar” as they say and, as a result, my grant was reduced to a mere 3,000,000 tolongs ($150 U.S.)/year.   This reduction in my budget is, according to my funding agency, the result of my not making “significant” progress toward identifying critical habitat for the HEWO.  Are you freakin’ kidding me?!  “Significant”?  My HEWO research is world renowned and the novel methods I use to study them are second to none!   I’m not bragging or anything, but I guarantee I have significantly more (P < 0.05) protocols than any other “researcher” that has ever written and laminated protocols and if that doesn’t signify progress then nothing does!  How can someone personally develop and laminate over 237 protocols and not get anything done?!  If I wasn’t actually doing anything why would I need the freakin’ protocols?!   So what if my research has hit some bumps recently?  So what if some of my protocols are actually just protocols describing how to write protocols to interpret other protocols?  That doesn’t take away from the fact that they’re (1) laminated and (2) proof that I am making “significant” progress!  My protocols are the foundation of my scientific method.  Architects draw up blueprints don’t they?  They don’t just go out there and start nailing freakin’ crap together.  They have a freakin’ plan.   They ffffffffffffffffff  fffffffffffffffff ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff fffffffffffffffffffffffff ffffffffffffffffffff fffffffffffff fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff  AHHH!   Phreaking rabbit bit oph my phreaking ‘eph’ key!   Are you phreakin’ kiddin’ me?!  I can’t aphord a new phreakin’ keyboard!   Well, I can’t aphord one at the moment, but iph my new plan phor acquiring research money pans out, I’ll be able to buy a crap ton oph new keyboards to replace the ones Magnum has eaten or dephecated on.

Basically I want you all to be the phirst to hear about my idea.  While on my blogging hiatus I phormed a company specializing in hair care products phor male phield technicians.  It’s called A Touch of Stud® (note registered trademark symbol and my use oph the letter ‘eph’ – thank goddess phor copy and paste).  I know what some oph you are thinking, “Hair care products phor male phield technicians?  Why would the World’s Greatest Biologist want to sell hair care products phor male phield technicians?”.  I don’t necessarily want to, but “desperate times call phor awesome ideas” as they say and iph I know anything as well as I know HEWOs, its hair care.  As you may or may not know, one oph the reasons I’m so easily recognized around the world is my signature hair style.  Popular magazines have devoted lengthy articles to it, describing it as “. . . like a muskox’s coat covered in wood glue” and “. . .a cross between a spider plant and the taint oph a mastodon.”  My phavorite is the article written in Paraguayan People which described my hair as looking like “. . .  the ophspring oph a sea anemone gang-raped by Donald Trump and Coolio.”   

Obviously, these magazines wouldn’t waste valuable space writing about my hair iph they weren’t secretly obsessed with it.  So, I phigured I’d take advantage oph the aphorementioned popularity oph my hair to generate the revenue needed to continue my signiphicant (P < 0.05) work.  

Phor those interested in trying A Touch of Stud®, I leave you with my personal guarantee.  Iph, aphter using A Touch of Stud® every morning phor a year, you are not phully satisphied, I will give you a phull rephund upon receiving all materials originally sent to you.  Iph you place an order in the next 10 days, you will receive these bonus items:

  • A Touch of Stud® How To Be a Stud Pocket Guide Volume 1
  • A Touch of Stud® How To Be a Stud Pocket Guide Volume 2 
  •  A laminated copy oph one oph my protocols signed by me 
  •  A Touch of Stud® Biodegradable applicator/toothbrush 
  •  A pack oph A Touch of Stud® Organic Zima-phlavored Chewing Gum
  • A Touch of Stud® Popular Hair Styles Guide (see below phor a preview)  

Friday, October 19, 2012

Carl's Re-Re-Discovery

It has basically been a rough couple of weeks. As you may or may not be able to tell based on my increased focus on Carl, Dwight has basically more or less undoubtedly disappeared again.  However, this may basically be a fortunate, if not fateful, coincidence, perhaps even destiny, and lucky destiny at that.  Were it not for the aforementioned disappearance I basically wouldn’t have fortuitously rediscovered Carl.  I basically singlehandedly made this important discovery earlier this week when Mateo informed me that I should watch the U.S. Presidential Debate as there was someone in the audience that basically “looked like” Carl. 

I basically singlehandedly confirmed that the squirrel-suited Asian man in the audience at the aforementioned debate was in fact Carl.  While it’s basically common knowledge that many Asians look the same, and that many of them wear squirrel costumes, I have no doubt that this was Carl.  Obviously, my refusal to provide him with a positive recommendation has led to his continued employment as an audience member at various U.S. political events.  Rather than immediately reinvoking the AIDS protocol, I decided to wait.  We will basically spring our trap at the third, and final, 2012 U.S. Presidential Debate.  It’s time to pay for your crimes against Earth, Carl.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Seriously Carl? Seriously?

As you may or may not recall, Carl, my former technician that was basically singlehandedly responsible for my unfair and heretofore unprecedented incarceration, has basically been on the run for a few months, if not weeks.  We recently discovered Carl hiding in the U.S. where he was hired as a token Asian at the Republican National Convention, but he escaped before our apprehension team could properly implement our newly laminated AIDS protocol.  Well now, Carl is basically trying to kill me.

A monkey assassin?!?  Are you freaking kidding me?!?!  That’s great Carl, you know damned well that I’ve involuntarily emptied my bladder at the sight of firearms ever since “the incident” and that your gun-toting gibbon would never get past my security detail and intricate system of metal detectors that were put in place specifically to prevent the aforementioned involuntary urination.  We’re done playing games Carl, we will track you down and I will never give you a good recommendation.  

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

El Diablo

As you may or may not know, I’ve literally been basically bombarded with a question about what happened after my unfortunate incident of accidentally shanking my cellmate with the wrong end of my custom-made toothbrush shiv.  Obviously, this was the result of one of my worthless technicians basically failing to show me how to properly use the aforementioned shiv prior to my unwarranted incarceration.  After recovering from what was basically the most merciless beating I have ever experienced at the hands, feet, and metal lunch tray of another of Earth’s citizens, I was assigned a new cellmate.  He basically would not say anything, but he was referred to by others as “El Diablo” and he basically had a strange habit of staring at me while I slept. 

I still basically felt that I needed to follow through on the aforementioned prison dominance protocol, but I basically needed time to heal and to basically select the next person upon which I would assert aforementioned dominance.  I wasn’t entirely sure, but it was starting to feel like I would turn the aforementioned “El Diablo” into an example, but because both myself and “El Diablo” were prohibited from having anything that could basically be turned into a shiv, I would have to transition to Plan B.  

Wednesday, October 3, 2012


As you may or may not recall, after I was released from prison I basically hired a licensed therapist to help me readjust to life on the outside and heal my deep psychological wounds such that I can continue on my destiny to save the Earth and inspire the many scientists of this world with my world-class scientific greatness.  The aforementioned therapist, my brother Dwight, has basically helped me out a lot, but this help has not come without its share of difficultation.  Dwight’s recent behaviour has been erratic and has begun to worry me.  His week-long unscheduled absence occurred during a time when there was a serial rapist on the loose.  Luckily, the aforementioned rapist has basically not struck since Dwight has returned.  After returning from the aforementioned absence with various scratches and abrasions about his body, Dwight refused to explain where these came from and proceeded to basically sleep for a week.  Now, he’s apparently taken to giving therapy to law enforcement officials, as they’ve basically come to visit multiple times, and he spends all of our precious dial-up internet minutes on something called “chat roulette.”  I’m worried about Dwight, but I’m mostly worried about me as this is basically drastically affecting the quantity and quality of my therapy.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Legal Misrepresentation

As you may or may not know, I basically did nothing wrong to deserve my incarcerational time in prison. One of you, my loyal fans, basically inquired as to what the official criminal accusations levied against me were such that you would know them.  And did I hire a lawyer?  Are you freaking kidding me?!?  Of course I hired a freaking lawyer, I hired the best freaking lawyer in Paraguay!!!  Did he get me acquitted of the crimes against me, and therefore, against the Earth and all of humanity? NO!!!  Did I start logging the pristine forest around our new headquarters to pay your fees, Martin Almada, and I still went to prison?!? YES!!!

What kind of freaking charge is bushmeat trafficking anyway?!?  Are you freaking kidding me?!?  Bushes don’t even have meat!!  If they did, they'd basically make me sick to my stomach.

Exhibit A:

I should have basically just represented myself such that I could have not went to prison.  I'm not bragging, but I'm basically pretty sure that I would be a pretty good lawyer.  This is all ultimately basically Carl’s fault, but you’re to blame too Martin. Thanks for nothing.  

Sunday, September 30, 2012

Incarcerational Logistics

Another of the major, if not most important, questions that basically arose prior to my incarceration was how I could continue to be on the forefront of Earth saving while being largely basically cut off from communication with most of the denizens of the Earth that I am destined to save.  Obviously, there were two major challenges. Firstly, how to communicate with my technicians such that I could give them appropriate instructions towards appropriate Earth-saving activities. After firstly, how to make sure that I can continue to get the appropriate inspirational sustenance that I require such that I can continue to run my Earth-saving operation. Solution #1: Carrier Pigeons.

We basically sold one of our field vehicles and used all of the money to purchase the aforementioned pigeons and hire the World’s Greatest Pigeon Handler, Gustavo.  As you can likely ascertain by looking at Gustavo, he's an experienced man, and we basically had the utmost confidence that he would successfully spearhead one of the most important operations in the history of pigeons.

With a new flock of carrier pigeons and Gustavo on the job, saving the Earth was basically inevitable and operation dissertation completion was looming on the horizon despite my brief incarcerational setback.

Friday, September 28, 2012

Shiv Happens

After basically reviewing many shiv options such that I could make the best choice for asserting dominance, I basically settled on the toothbrush model. As you may or may not know, I’m pretty good at making things. I’m not bragging, it’s just basically a fact.

Next question: whom to shank?  I basically felt it necessary to choose someone that was respected and feared such that I could be the aforementioned respected and feared.  I chose to shank my cellmate Hector.

 This basically brings me to prison rule number 3, don’t shank your cellmate with the wrong end of a sharpened toothbrush.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

The Shiv or the Shank?

Dwight has finally basically awakened, but he has basically been less than forthcoming about where he was or how he got all of the various scratches and abrasions about his body.  After he finally woke up, we basically immediately got back to my therapy.  After a few hours with the aforementioned Dwight and a few bottles of my precious limited supply of Zima, I basically realized that I need to communicate my prison experience to my loyal followers such that I can heal and such that I can provide inspiration to those of you that may or may not spend time in prison at some point in the future for some unforeseen reason.  Basically, the first thing I did when I learned I was going to prison was devote all of the time of my technicians to studying what I needed to do to survive my unfortunate and unfair banishment.  As you may or may not know, there are basically some good books out there on this topic.

There are basically a few basic rules to surviving your prison stay: rule number 1, get yourself a good shiv. Rule number 2, show the other prison people that you mean business. I normally basically don’t want anything to do with business because of the evil destructive practices employed by business in destroying Earth’s precious resources, but this was about survival. Not just any survival, my survival, and therefore Earth’s survival. One such way that one may show that one means business to others such that they establish dominance is through using the aforementioned shiv for shanking a fellow inmate. Basically, shivs can be made from lots of different materials but, interestingly, there really aren’t places where you can buy these so you generally have to make them yourself or buy them from other prison tenants using cigarettes or favors.  So I basically went to prison with a plan, but with lots of unanswered questions about how to get the aforementioned shiv...

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

The Success of My R.A.P.I.S.T. Protocol

Studs and studettes, we got him!  The spackler has been brought to justice.  To make a long story short, basically, for five nights in a row, I was woken up by someone knocking on my door.  By the time I put on my woodpecker undies, stumbled through my dark house, and got to the door, the perpetrator had disappeared, leaving only a paper bag filled with chocolate pudding they had set on fire.  I promptly stomped it out, woke up all of my technicians and had them fan out from my house to find this pudding hating pyromaniac.  I basically knew it was someone not very intimate with my dietary preferences or they would have known I like banana flavored pudding!  Or, maybe they knew I disliked chocolate and that’s why they threw that on my porch.  Anyway, my technicians failed to locate the culprit, so I decided to take matters into my own hands.  I borrowed a security camera system a villager was using to find out what jungle creature was raping his goats.  I put it on a fence post across from my front door and went to bed, knowing the perpetrator could not resist throwing his pudding on my porch again.  Like clockwork I was woken up by knocking and the flickering of a small flaming bag of chocolate pudding.  I promptly stomped out the fire and retrieved my video.  I couldn’t freakin’ believe it!  It was the Slovenian jeweler I hired to make the petrified owl-monkey-testicle-laden ring for Ursula.   AND, it wasn’t chocolate pudding at all, it was a bag of his feces.  ARE YOU FREAKIN’ KIDDIN’ ME?!  I stomped on a flaming bag of sh*t with my new freakin’ gorilla's wool slippers?!    

I decided the best way to catch this poop flinging jeweler was to have the villager that was having his goats raped to make me a man-sized snare.  He was unwilling at first because I wouldn’t tell him what I needed it for, but when I told him I would give him back his camera if he built the snare, he capitulated.  I’m not bragging or anything, but my flawless negotiational skills and mastery of the Paraguayan and English languages are enough to convince anyone to do my bidding.  Basically, the snare worked!   I caught him the next night.  Unfortunately, while he was thrashing around in the snare he smashed the camera to a million pieces, but since he did it, it was his responsibility to tell the villager it was broken.  

Why did he do it you wonder?  He apparently went bankrupt as a result of my public condemnation of the sale of petrified owl-monkey-testicle-laden rings once I found out the testicles came from real freakin’ monkeys.  He also admitted to spackling all over my bathroom.  That, he said, was for me spackling all over his bathroom when I was meeting with him to design Ursula’s ring.  Well, I’m sorry jewelry guy for my body forcefully rejecting the ground beef you fed me for lunch!  Why would you expect me to clean up my poop when it was in your store?!  What don’t people understand about the uncontrollability of my bowel movements?!

I decided the best way to get my revenge was to send the video of the porch pooping to a local news station.  I told them I was a schoolteacher at a boarding school in a nearby village to avoid having to deal with the fame that would surely come from my use of the man-sized snare.  I didn't want police from all over Paraguay banging on my door asking me to build them man-sized snares, which I obviously don't have time to build.  Basically, the video was watched by dozens if not hundreds of people, providing me with a giddy feeling that comes only  from cold justice.  I’ve provided a link to the video here.  You’re welcome.  
WARNING: This is barely graphic footage, even though I’ve blurred out the man parts (you’re welcome ladies)!