Basically, let me start by apologizing for not updating my blog sooner. I had to put my HEWO research and obviously the aforementioned blog on hold for a little while as I searched for a solution to a small dilemma I’ve been having. Basically, yours truly has been finding it difficult to obtain funding for my ongoing HEWO research. It seems other researchers have started “dipping their hands into the mayonnaise jar” as they say and, as a result, my grant was reduced to a mere 3,000,000 tolongs ($150 U.S.)/year. This reduction in my budget is, according to my funding agency, the result of my not making “significant” progress toward identifying critical habitat for the HEWO. Are you freakin’ kidding me?! “Significant”? My HEWO research is world renowned and the novel methods I use to study them are second to none! I’m not bragging or anything, but I guarantee I have significantly more (P < 0.05) protocols than any other “researcher” that has ever written and laminated protocols and if that doesn’t signify progress then nothing does! How can someone personally develop and laminate over 237 protocols and not get anything done?! If I wasn’t actually doing anything why would I need the freakin’ protocols?! So what if my research has hit some bumps recently? So what if some of my protocols are actually just protocols describing how to write protocols to interpret other protocols? That doesn’t take away from the fact that they’re (1) laminated and (2) proof that I am making “significant” progress! My protocols are the foundation of my scientific method. Architects draw up blueprints don’t they? They don’t just go out there and start nailing freakin’ crap together. They have a freakin’ plan. They ffffffffffffffffff fffffffffffffffff ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff fffffffffffffffffffffffff ffffffffffffffffffff fffffffffffff fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff AHHH! Phreaking rabbit bit oph my phreaking ‘eph’ key! Are you phreakin’ kiddin’ me?! I can’t aphord a new phreakin’ keyboard! Well, I can’t aphord one at the moment, but iph my new plan phor acquiring research money pans out, I’ll be able to buy a crap ton oph new keyboards to replace the ones Magnum has eaten or dephecated on.
Basically I want you all to be the phirst to hear about my idea. While on my blogging hiatus I phormed a company specializing in hair care products phor male phield technicians. It’s called A Touch of Stud® (note registered trademark symbol and my use oph the letter ‘eph’ – thank goddess phor copy and paste). I know what some oph you are thinking, “Hair care products phor male phield technicians? Why would the World’s Greatest Biologist want to sell hair care products phor male phield technicians?”. I don’t necessarily want to, but “desperate times call phor awesome ideas” as they say and iph I know anything as well as I know HEWOs, its hair care. As you may or may not know, one oph the reasons I’m so easily recognized around the world is my signature hair style. Popular magazines have devoted lengthy articles to it, describing it as “. . . like a muskox’s coat covered in wood glue” and “. . .a cross between a spider plant and the taint oph a mastodon.” My phavorite is the article written in Paraguayan People which described my hair as looking like “. . . the ophspring oph a sea anemone gang-raped by Donald Trump and Coolio.”
Obviously, these magazines wouldn’t waste valuable space writing about my hair iph they weren’t secretly obsessed with it. So, I phigured I’d take advantage oph the aphorementioned popularity oph my hair to generate the revenue needed to continue my signiphicant (P < 0.05) work.
Phor those interested in trying A Touch of Stud®, I leave you with my personal guarantee. Iph, aphter using A Touch of Stud® every morning phor a year, you are not phully satisphied, I will give you a phull rephund upon receiving all materials originally sent to you. Iph you place an order in the next 10 days, you will receive these bonus items:
- A Touch of Stud® How To Be a Stud Pocket Guide Volume 1
- A Touch of Stud® How To Be a Stud Pocket Guide Volume 2
- A laminated copy oph one oph my protocols signed by me
- A Touch of Stud® Biodegradable applicator/toothbrush
- A pack oph A Touch of Stud® Organic Zima-phlavored Chewing Gum
- A Touch of Stud® Popular Hair Styles Guide (see below phor a preview)