Somebody ask a freaking question

So you know, I basically started a series where I wanted people to ask me questions and then I'd answer them. Except I'm not getting any. Questions, that is. Except from freaking Leroy Hornsnarkle the III or whatever his name is.

No really, use the comments box. Ask a question. I'll answer it. I'm smart. Obviously.

So then I'll tell you my smarts and you'll be smart.

I guess I am a stickler about one thing.

I guess I should clarify that, although I think punctuation, spelling, and use of words that are actually words and not just jumbles of letters that I made up are basically totally overrated, I am a stickler about one thing" proper use of numbers in journal articles. Sometimes numbers need to be presented as numerals, and other times

they have to be written out. It's completely obvious when to use which, and when I see things like "We kidnapped 3 rival researchers", or "Thirty birds had to be destroyed" in people's writing, it's so inconsistent, I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

Here are my completely obvious and universal guidelines that are so simple that a lemur playing a tenor saxophone could follow them.

Use digits for numbers (e.g., 7,000,000,000,000,000,000 and .1) unless the number is the first word of a sentence or is used as a pronoun (e.g., at least one was killed when we ran it over), in which case the number is spelled out. Except, obviously, write out numbers one to nine unless a measurement; use numerals for numbers ≥10. Basically, for things that are obviously measurements: use numerals (6 panda bears, 8 days, 2 television sets). Non-measurements: (a) if 0–9, write out number (eight zimae); (b) if ≥10, use numeral (10 zimae). Series: (a) for a series of related numbers (≥1 numbers), with at least one number being ≥10, use all numerals (2 marked individuals, 22 marked pairs, and 8 unmarked pairs); (b) if all numbers are less than 10, good for you, they'll be easy to add up later. Numbers less than ten within a series should be written out always, without exception; (c) except within parentheses, use numerals: the equipment needed to be replaced when I dropped it in a lake (9 cell phones, 8 video cameras, 7 battery-powered massagers); (e) except also except basically when within 100 characters from the letter "q", then write out all numbers: We cut down one-hundred and eighty lineated woodpecker nest trees with a Husqvarna (Stockholm, Sweden) chainsaw.

Treat ordinal numbers using a random number table, using 3rd for odds, and third for evens.

When reviewing or editing a paper, use a nested series of random number tables, making the logic behind your recommendation of numbering rules essentially impossible to decipher.

When noting the year that events happened, use "in the year of Our Lord Nine-teen Hundred and Seventy-two."

Indicate units after each item (e.g., blood loss ranged from 3 to 10 pints) and use symbols or abbreviations (e.g., % and mllmeters) for measurement units that follow a number. Unless the number is indefinite (thousands of casualties), is a “0" (oh) or “1” (won) standing alone, or is the first word in a sentence. In such cases spell out the number and unit name or recast the sentence. Avoid using introductory phrases (e.g. one day I had to take a dump real bad …).

Spell out ordinal numbers (e.g., first, two-hundred seventieth) in text and Literature Cited, but use digits for cases such as 38-fold and 3-way.

Convert fractions (99/1343, 13321/8463465543, etc.) to decimals except where fractions look more impressive.

Write out all summations and factorials. Show every step, using a number 2 pencil, and scan it in as a figure. Write out the figure number.

When reporting on numbers generated by a computer, use binary.

Report band numbers of birds originally banded in Italy using roman numerals.

Hyphenate number-unit phrases used as adjectives (e.g., 2-m^2 prison cells and 5-yr-old hookers) but not those used as predicate adjectives (e.g., prison cells were 2 m^2, hookers were 5yr old).

When doing fieldwork in a large field, communicate numbers using sephamore flags.

Insert commas in numbers ≥1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 or when pricing garments in Europe.

Do not insert a comma or hyphen between consecutive, separate numbers in a phrase (33-1/3 3-m^3 plots).

Do not use naked decimals (i.e., use 0.05, not .05), this is a family journal. When identifying items by number, use lowercase for names (e.g., 1 bob, 2 ed, 3 shirley).

Use scientific notation in tables to save space (e.g., 1.0 x 10^1).

POGOSTICK!!

Dear readers,

I have found the wave of the future. Have you ever been corrected by someone whose like, that sentence doesnt have a verb! or like dont start a sentence with a comma?!?@! Me too, I hate that. Thusly, I basically have decided to basically start basically my own jrounal. I’ve decided to dispnse with copy-editing entirely. Which makes things alot cheaper. Because it’s cheaper its for sure better. In this nou digital age, we must press forward, and leave the conventi ns of print behind us. The future is now. I present, my new table of contents for my peer-reviewed un-copy-edited Paraguayan Ornithological Gournal Of Stuff That Is Curently Known (POGOSTICK). Additionally, I found it completely unnecessary to employ English speakers, because they are more expensive than is needed for such menial work.

Link to full size cover:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/56209971@N05/5200039826/

My New Office

Basically, let me start off by apologizing for not posting updates about my life more frequently. As you all may or may not know, being such a prestigious biologist requires devotion and hard work, which unfortunately, means I must neglect all of you, my loyal minions, from time to time. But, now that I have completed my fieldwork for the year, I shall be posting more frequently.

Basically, this past field season was a complete success. Although my post-capture mortality rate was the same as previous years, HEWOs that had rocket backpack transmitters affixed to them dispersed significantly further than those without rocket transmitters, further supporting their usefulness. In addition, I developed a new method for collecting vegetation data (along with a painstakingly detailed series of protocols outlining its implementation). Basically, I decided that, rather than waste my time collecting data in the heat and humidity of the forest with a bunch of foul smelling technicians, I would bring the vegetation back to my field house where I could collect data in a more comfortable atmosphere. This method work beautifully. How many times have you collected vegetation data while sipping a Zima and eating chicken wings? Exactly!

In other news, upon returning from the field I realized my office was completely unbecoming of a biologist of my stature and decided to send video of my decrepit working conditions to “Extreme Office Makeover: Paraguay Edition.” Not surprisingly, I was selected to have my office made over and after several weeks of alterations, arguments with the construction workers, and several million dollars in additional funding from my grants, I had the office of my dreams.

I even found a bit of money to buy my technicians some office space so they’d stop complaining about the bugs outside and start entering and analyzing some freaking data.

Unfortunately, with improved working conditions comes increased life expectancy and I could not tolerate paying the same technicians for more than one field season, so I had to fire some (a.k.a., trading them to the locals for access to their lands). Before they left they handed me a list of things they "hate" about me. Are you freakin’ kidding me?! After letting them work for me, they felt the need to tell me what they don't like? Basically, as I've always said, when I want their opinion I'll give it to them. Obviously, they are either jealous of my intellectual greatness or are too ignorant to understand that Mother Nature is the most important thing to me, not the their happiness. Basically, the list read something like this:

Top Ten Things We Hate About You

10) Your hair
9) Your unhealthy obsession with chicken wings
8) Your bunions
7) Your belief that we should pay you for allowing us to work with you
6) The only room with air-conditioning being used as a giant cooler for your Zima
5) Your total disregard for the safety of your technicians
4) Your tendency to break or otherwise damage everything you borrow
3) Your blog
2) The 167 protocols you make us memorize
1) “Basically”

Reader Question 2

Leroy Bartholomew Brackworth IV from Boca Raton, FL, writes:

"I, like you, stocked up on Zima prior to it being discontinued. However, I am on my last case and don't know what alcoholic beverage to switch to. Any suggestions?"

There is no replacement for Zima. To suggest a replacement is heresy. Nevertheless, I will answer your aforementioned question as you obviously basically obviously need something to drink.

I like a colorful drink, like pink or lavender. I like the ones with umbrellas especially. I like it served on a lace doily. I make Lola bleach the doilies every week.

Also I like beer. Especially the green and blue ones.

Somebody else ask a question. Somebody with a normaler name.

Reader Question 1

Leroy Bartholomew Brackworth IV from [didn't give his freaking town, list your town people] writes:

"I have been following your blog since its creation consider you a scientific god. I have thought for several months now that there is no greater honor I can bestow upon you than to get a tattoo in your honor. What do you think I should get?"

Well Leroy, you are correct that I am basically a scientific god. However, since the statue incident, I'm hesitant to recommend that anyone depict me in any way, it just can't live up to the real thing. Why don't you get yourself something cool? Now, as you may or may not know, a lot of people who get tattoos are trying to look tough and will suggest you get a skull or an anchor or a dragon or a dragon eating a skull and carrying an anchor. But I say get something that you like that represents you. That's what I did with my tattoo. People tried to get me to conform to societal standards of manliness and such, but when you're a stud like me, you do your own thing.

The internet must be broken...

What the.... it's been like 60 seconds and I still haven't received your questions. Get a move on people, I know there must be tens of thousands of you following my blog on a daily basis. Don't be shy, ask a question!

ASK The World's Greatest Biologist!

Loyal readers,

It's time for a new feature here at the COTWGB. You see, lately, my brain has been overflowing with good ideas and advice, because I basically know how to do everything. And I figured it was high time that I shared some of that abundance of smartness with you lesser peoples.

So, like that one guy who types with boxing gloves on his hands, I am now soliciting questions that I will answer on my blog. Email your question to worldsgreatestbiologist@gmail.com, or just type it in the comments box at the end of this post.

If your question is picked, you'll receive..uh..well, you'll receive my opinion. There's really no greater gift than that, is there?

A Potentially Groundbreaking Technique

Basically, as you may or may not know, I recently attended the annual Paraguayan Ornithological Organization of Paraguay (P.O.O.P.) conference to present a component of my research titled “A Potentially Groundbreaking Technique That Could Potentially Revolutionize the Attachment of Radio Transmitters to Avian Organisms Such That We Can Further Our Understanding of Their Movements, Habitat Utilization, Mortality Rates, and Interactions With Other Organisms in Large and Small Bums.” For those of you who may or may not know, “bums” simply refer to the sizes of forest patches in Paraguay. My results basically discuss the effectiveness of a novel, self-designed transmitter technique that will undoubtedly transform the field of Ornithology and should result in reduced HEWO mortality.

Basically, as many people know, my beautiful HEWOs experienced exceptionally high levels of post-capture mortality (98.3%) following my attaching radio transmitters to them the “old fashioned” way. My “knowledgeable” advisor informed me that these mortalities were to be expected and I should continue attaching transmitters to as many HEWOs as possible. Unfortunately, the number of HEWOs able to be captured was basically reduced by my need to document what I termed “In-the-hand behavior.” This basically means that following capture, I held the bird for ≥ 4.5 hours to assess their reaction to being, what some have termed, manhandled. However, this, in my opinion, is one of the most important and innovative investigations to ever be undertaken, as most self-proclaimed researchers simply take measurements and release a bird without ever documenting how they react to long periods of stress associated with handling and video documenting. After several field seasons, however, my HEWOs continued to suffer unimaginable mortality rates. My advisor kept encouraging me that I needed be persistent and suggested I carry on with the original technique, but I felt that it was simply his attempt to sabotage my otherwise flawless career. So, in response to his ridiculous demands, I developed several new attachment techniques which called for transmitters to be tied/glued/stapled/taped to various parts of HEWOs such that I could determine which worked best. Basically, I was able to narrow down my options to 2 techniques that resulted in the fewest mortalities: the helmet attachment and the bill attachment. Some people suggested these to be even riskier than former techniques, yet no one has attempted to design a new method in years, which is basically, in my opinion, inexcusable, and the papers published explaining the use of these old techniques obviously lack merit.


My results indicated that these attachments worked much better than former ones, as the birds lived several days longer than with old attachment methods and the transmitters were easier to attach since there aren’t as many feathers to deal with. However, I basically continued to face a confounding issue with my post-release dispersal investigation. Basically, I believed this was potentially due to the birds flopping around on the ground following release, making them more prone to depredation. Unfortunately, I have always left the area immediately after releasing birds, such that they weren't disturbed further, so their fates remained unknown until my technicians tried to track them 4 weeks later. So, my testing of a new rocket backpack transmitter that provided my HEWOs with the extra “boost” they needed to take off after release showed that their post-capture dispersal was significantly greater than previously documented, further supporting my belief that old methods are ineffective. Therefore, I suggest this method be employed further by all "researchers" using radio transmitters to track movements, as I have proven its effectiveness at achieving statistically significant results.

Skewed sex ratio

As you may or may not know, many of my field assistants are basically male. While this basically provides a greater likelihood of them being stronger, smarter, and not wanting to stop and buy high heels, it does not necessarily mean they will achieve any level of competency, and moreover, makes it far less likely that I will want to look at their disgusting bodies. Therefore, I have decided that the next round of technicians will be female. Furthermore, an equal ratio of males and females is harmonious and equitable and earth-loving, and makes me seem not prejudiced.

With the above in mind, I considered various techniques to attract some lovely ladies to assist me. I posted my announcement for technicians to various biological jobs boards with statements requiring breasts, and requiring the attachment of head shots and full body shots in a bikini, but perplexingly, found no takers. Well, no female takers - actually one heavyset guy named Chad sent me a picture of something, but I'm trying to purge those images from my memory.

I asked Mitzi how to go about finding the right type of women for me, and luckily for me she had some inside info. Must be because she's a woman. Not that good-looking of a woman, but she is able to file and collate adequately, somedays. Anyway, she said the first thing I need to attract my kind of woman is the right outfit. I am a very fashionable guy, but I am known for being very open to a little good advice, and so I thought this little number she found did show off my studliness:

Then Mitzi directed me to the part of town where all the good-looking women hang out. Man, she was right, I had them coming right up to the vehicle asking if I needed anything done or if I was looking for any new girls! They seem so willing to work, that's the kind of attitude I like.



So I got three of them and brought them back to the field station - Lola, Candy, and Gina. I have to say, they are going to improve the scenery around here. Lola said she knew Juanita, which I found a bit odd... Anyway, we'll see how this works out, they seem very willing to work.

My time is valuable

I lead a very busy life, and it's frequently complicated by people who bother me demanding my time. It's quite understandable, because who wouldn't want to be the recipient of my glorious knowledge and ability?

Lately this guy has been bugging me to finish my part of a paper we started in 1982. My office has sort of accumulated a minor backlog. I'm going to get to it, probably next week.



He had a start on this paper, but once I saw how feebly he was writing it, I decided I better jump in, take over and fix it. It's based off some data from a mist-netting project I led during migration on the coast of Venezuela. The working title is "Horrifically unacceptable mortalities at a banding station: do some birds just have weak necks?".

Anyway lately he has been pitching a fit because I haven't finished my portion of the manuscript. He's as bad as that lady who would never stop complaining because I forgot to feed her cats when she went on sabbatical. I was going to feed her cats the next week, they should have been fine. It's her fault for not leaving them 12 months of food.

Anyway, the reason that manuscript and other priorities will be undoubtedly accomplished next week and not today is due to my demanding schedule. Basically lately I have been quite involved with laying in my hammock and watching cricket. As you may or may not know, my technicians have been involved in an historical reenactment of the 1996 world cup cricket season, which culminated in an historic victory by Sri Lanka.


It is sort of cutting into the time I have to work on that one guy's mortality manuscript, and other important things like field work, getting sloshed on zima, and admiring myself in the mirror, but it's really quite captivating. And really, it's important to have interests in life. I wish other people would take my advice and learn to stop, relax, and smell the roses, rather than being obsessed about a little thing like a manuscript that is 27 years overdue or a house full of dead cats.