A few humble observations

As the WGB, I excel in many areas and my field skills are, basically, unsurpassed, but there is one skill in particular that I feel I am so good at that it boggles the mind (particularly lesser minds like those of my incompetent assistants – have I mentioned that my assistants are completely incompetent? Why is it that I always seem to get incompetent assistants – particularly after my rigorous and arcane interviewing protocol?). I’m sorry. I don’t like to complain but when I’m trying to save the world single-handedly and keep ending up surrounded by inferiors, it begins to wear…I digress. Anyway, the aforementioned skill to which I referred already but did not name is that of color band combo resighting. I’m not bragging or anything but it is certainly to my advantage that I have eyes like an eagle and the reflexes of a cat but in addition to that, I feel the fact that I am exceptionally good looking works to my advantage. I believe that the birds are so intrigued by my stunning good looks that it allows me to get just a little bit closer than most lesser humans. Unfortunately, the same is true for women when they are confronted by my visage. They are always asking me questions “about my research” but they and I both know what they are really after. It’s funny, I never knew how many men in the area of avian research are gay but they are always trying to ask me questions “about my research” also and I figure that can mean only one thing. Anyways, there are those that try to belittle my skills at the task of resighting color band combos simply because I am studying large woodpeckers (the HEWO) and I am able to place seven color bands around their neck. I don’t see how resighting color band combos around the legs of birds can be any more difficult. My incompetent assistants even have the nerve to say that it is my binoculars that enable me to make the resightings! They say that they should have binoculars too!! I don’t really have the heart to tell them that they are not getting the resightings because they are not nearly as attractive as me and I sure couldn’t afford plastic surgery for them anyway.

Originality

Although some biologists like to use established methods to conduct their research, I basically feel like this practice lacks originality. Style points are basically very important to me and ladies basically love biologists that invent their own protocols (LBLBTITOP). Basically, the acronym for my philosophy on research is also a color band combination for one of my HEWOs (Light Blue, Light Blue, Teal, Indigo, Teal, Orange, Pink), the name of this bird is of course “Little Blue Lazy Bird Tit Operation”. Obviously, this seems like more color bands than most biologists put on birds, but putting 7 instead of 3 color bands on my birds means that I’m more than twice as good as these ordinary biologists. Basically, these biolo-wimps rely on things like “efficiency” and “numbers” and other sciency sounding things in order to conduct research that’s “accepted” by the scientific community. I basically disagree with this way of doing things as it almost takes the fun right out of it and also takes away from my future fame as the author of the WGB handbook of superior scientific field protocols. Some may see these views as arrogant, but I just view them as a realization that all biologists will someday see the errors in their ways and start doing things the way that I do them.

"The Hired Help"

Basically, as you may or may not know, I am in the process of saving the Helmeted Woodpecker from man's selfish deathgrip of extinction. Obviously, this is a lot for any one person to take on and, even though I'm basically doing everything by myself, I occassionally allow some lesser aspiring biologists to help me in my quest. My research is basically envied by biologists from around the world so, as you'd imagine, I get lots of interest from young people that long for the honour and privelege of helping me single-handedly save the HEWO. Basically, women want me and men want to be me, and probably some women want to be me and some men want me, but I'm not gay or anything, just extremely successful and respected by both sexes and even some hermaphrodites. My process for hiring apprentices is a fairly detailed and rigorous process but, for the select few that are lucky enough, they do get to work with me for months at a time. Obviously, you can imagine my disappointment when those that I have chosen to serve me ultimately let me down. Recently, I sent one of these servants, Jorge, to ride his bicycle to town to have my laundry professionally cleaned. You can imagine my shock when Jorge wrecked his bicycle, broke his arm, and didn't even get my laundry cleaned! Are you freaking kidding me?!? Basically, if you want the job done well, you better just have me do it because these lower life forms known as "technicians" just aren't worth the trouble.

Earth Day

As you may or may not know, I'm basically a vegetarian except when in comes to Earth's most delicious resource: chicken drumsticks. Everything I do lessens my impact on the Earth, in fact by staying relatively immobile for long periods of time, I use less oxygen, produce less carbon dioxide, and consume less energy. In order to save our beloved Earth, I long ago made the decision that my only mode of transportation would be bicycle or canoe. In fact, I got to my study site in Paraguay, where as you may or may not know I study Helmeted Woodpeckers in the tropical rainforests, after two months of constant pedaling and paddling. So I suppose you're basically thinking, where do chicken drumsticks fit in to this awesome committment to the Earth's resources? Well, what I didn't mention is that I only eat drumsticks from organically raised and genetically engineered 6-legged chickens. Basically, this means that it takes 3-times fewer chickens to satiate my appetite for chicken flesh. It's hard maintaining my overwhelming committment to the Earth, but basically, you're welcome.

Documenting how I'm single-handedly changing the earth

Basically, this will be the first of my many posts where I describe how I'm awesome and deserve the title of "World's Greatest Biologist." Paramount to this effort is basically explaining a little bit about myself and what I may or may not do in my efforts to save the Earth from the senseless greed of man's selfishness. You can basically look forward to more details as the days pass and I describe more about my research, why it is superior to all that preceded it, and how amazingly successful I have become.