It's Official

Basically, I just wanted to update you, my loyal protégés, on the status of the aforementioned feather. After applying my patented feather microscopy protocol, I was able to confirm that the aforementioned structure was in fact a feather. Further, it is basically undeniably a Helmeted Woodpecker feather. As you may recall from your previous readings, I sent this feather to a museum (that will remain unnamed to basically protect the aforementioned feather from theft or acts of vandalism) in order to have lesser scientists confirm my discovery. I basically received electronic-mail confirmation that they received the HEWO feather and I will paste it below for all to see with my name basically removed to protect myself from various lesser biologists and assorted groupies that may seek me out for my profound insights and knowledge:

“We received the feather. Columba livia”

Obviously, I’m not sure what the second part of the message refers to but it basically appears to be some other language, probably saying something to the effect of “Yes, of course you are correct, it is a Helmeted Woodpecker feather.” Of course, this is great news and validates my feather transect protocol while repudiating the unmeritous approaches of past biologists. Now we will basically move into Phase II of the Feather Super-Protocol (which basically encompasses the sub-protocols related to feathers including but not limited to the aforementioned feather transect and feather microscopy protocols). Sub-phase I of Phase II of the Feather Super-Protocol basically involves implementation of the feather videography protocol (obviously referring to a sub-protocol given the lack of capitalization). Given that the aforementioned videography protocol has two sub-options (alpha and beta), I am basically going to use the more expensive digital option (F.I.ii.b) in which I will obtain higher-quality imagery. Basically, this protocol involves installing sixteen digital video cameras at the sight of feather discovery (the hot zone) in case the aforementioned woodpecker returns to retrieve its feather. It’s only a matter of time before I capture images of the Helmeted Woodpecker, confirming its existence, and thus completing my task of single-handedly saving this magnificent creature from the evil death-grip of civilization.

Discovery

It is basically with great pride yet unquestionable humility that I announce the indubitable discovery of a Helmeted Woodpecker feather. Basically, I am in the process of scientifically analyzing the aforementioned feather to confirm its authenticity and I will keep you, my loyal followers, informed about this most important breakthrough. Other “scientists” had the gall to question my use of a feather transect protocol as a way to study the HEWO, but who’s laughing now? They suggested that I look for the actual birds which would have obviously been a waste of time. As you may or may not know, I believe in full disclosure so I should basically inform you that Mateo is the one who picked up the aforementioned feather and brought it to me, but it took my great biological skills to identify the keratinized structure as a feather. I basically went through great efforts not to contaminate this feather and, after applying my own feather microscopy protocol, I will send it to a museum so that lesser scientists can tell me that I’m right. For now, we celebrate my achievement! Zimas for everyone!

Proper Field Attire

Basically, since through my astute powers of observation I discovered that Juanita is actually a man, I now have some new options for saving the HEWO. As you may or may not know, the field is no place for a woman. Basically, it is for this reason that I hired Juanita as a personal assistant and would never have considered sending her out into the field. Well, things basically change and a great biologist and field commander such as myself has to adapt to this changing workscape. Given the new priority of ensuring that my new statue adequately portrays my masculinity and importance, I basically decided to re-assign Rogelio to supervising the sculptor of the aforementioned statue. Therefore, I decided to send Juanita out into the field with Mateo to collect my data. Although this requires much sacrifice on my part, I am basically willing to dial my satellite phone, sharpen my protocol-writing pencils, get my own Zima, clean my loofahs, and maintain the protocol laminator myself for a few days while we await my statue, to take one for the team so to speak. Basically, for Juanita to work in the field, “her” usual attire of miniskirt and fishnet stockings are basically not going to be appropriate, so I ordered Rogelio to inform Juanita of what would be considered suitable for field conditions. Because I’m basically not awake when the technicians leave for the field in the morning, I did not see the aforementioned attire when Juanita left for the first day in the field. You can basically imagine my surprise at the end of the next day when Juanita and Mateo returned and Juanita was wearing assless chaps! Are you freaking kidding me?!? Juanita was sitting in MY swan boat wearing assless chaps?!? Mateo described this as a problem of translation between myself, Juanita, and Rogelio. Basically, I’m not so sure about this and am starting to question Rogelio’s commitment to the project. Once this statue is done, I may have to make some tough decisions.

Statue of Virility

Basically, a couple of days ago my supervisor called pretending to be checking up on me even though I, as you may or may not know, am a superior biologist and our relationship is basically just a formality in which he wants to cash in on my fame and success. One of the things I make him do is manage all of my grant money so at least he can do something useful. Well, it turns out that according to aforementioned “supervisor” I’ve got plenty of money. As you may recall from your previous readings, I work very hard and therefore basically deserve to splurge a little bit instead of just basically spending all of this grant money on my research. Part of my amazing ability to save funds is related to my superhuman efficiency, which as you know is one thing that is helping me single-handedly save the Earth. Because I haven’t had the opportunity to attend a meeting recently in which I would obviously be honoured for my achievements, I decided to use my research funds to commission a statue in my honour. I’ve basically paid a $30,000 deposit to a local Paraguayan artist for the aforementioned statue and ordered Rogelio to translate the message for the aforementioned artist to focus on my altruistic commitment to single-handedly saving the Earth, my superior intellect, my scientific awesomeness, my undeniable charisma and good looks, my superhuman virility, and my astonishing modesty given all of these gifts that I have. I basically can’t wait to see myself immortalized as a statue just as other important scientists have been.

Tensity

As you may or may not know, I’ve basically been away from my blog for a few days and realize that this was disappointing for all of you, my loyal followers. I basically found the “Juanita situation” to be a very stressful experience in which I was basically vindicated. As emotionally draining as it was to potentially basically have Ursula upset with me, to have one of my technicians question my actions, and to write a new protocol on such short notice with so much pressure because the stakes were basically so high, I found that this was a situation that even Zima and chicken drumsticks could not make better. Because I feared that this traumatic situation may jeopardize my research, it was clear that the only solution was to buy Ursula a plane ticket to fly to Paraguay. The past 4 days have basically been a groping frenzy and prior to her departure, Ursula even gave me a grope-on-a-rope as a gift to make me more comfortable with her absence. And get this, Rogelio again had the nerve to question whether buying a plane ticket for Ursula was a wise use of my research funds?!? Are you freaking kidding me?!? Doesn’t he get it??? If she didn’t fly here I would have had to fly there! It basically costs the same amount either way! I’m basically starting to become concerned with Rogelio’s belligerency and fear that he has lost his commitment to helping me single-handedly save the Earth. For now, I think I’ll try writing a new protocol for technicians to agree with everything I say and do, perhaps with a pledge of allegiance. I have no idea why I didn’t just do this in the first place.

Crisis Resolved

Get this, when I told Mateo and Rogelio that I would be departing for Slovenia in one day and that I would be gone for two weeks, Rogelio had the nerve to question my commitment to MY research?!? Are you freaking kidding me?!? I even explained the situation and how Ursula was upset, and he still acted as if this crisis was unimportant! That SOB had the nerve lecture me, as if the protocols that he and Mateo are using are his and not mine! Basically, I think he’s still just upset about the swan boat and basically jealous that he doesn’t have my skills, abilities, power, and respect. As usual, Rogelio was completely unhelpful and not understanding of the magnitude of the aforementioned situation. As he walked away, I basically heard him mumble something about an Adam’s apple, which I’m not sure what that means. Although I commanded Rogelio to expand upon his mumbled statement, he declined. Basically thankfully, I have one understudy with the appropriate reverence for my superior standing. Mateo basically explained to me that Juanita is really a man and the reason that (s)he was basically walking around on the street in town seeking employment is because (s)he is a transvestite prostitute.

Because I basically cannot afford to have another technician quit on me as Jorge did, I decided that I should talk over this new revelation with Ursula and discuss the possibility that I should remain in Paraguay to continue supervising Rogelio and Mateo so nothing goes wrong and they basically will not abandon or sabotage my important research. Obviously, Ursula felt that I should at least confirm that Juan(ita) is in fact a man rather than a post-op transsexual in which case I would basically still be prohibited from employing him/her because of my aforementioned irresistibility to members of the opposite sex (possibly including transsexuals). As you may or may not know, asking Juan(ita) would be possibly misleading so I felt that a more scientific approach was in order. After developing a transvestite-inspection protocol, I ordered Mateo and Rogelio to implement said protocol which they basically did and confirmed that Juan(ita) is actually a man. So basically, it looks like I can continue my quest to save the HEWO without immediately departing for Slovenia unless something else comes up soon which would require me to go to Slovenia rather than stay in Paraguay supervising the aforementioned project.

Crisis

So basically, after doing what I thought was a very beneficial thing toward helping me single-handedly save the Earth, I’ve discovered that I may have made a huge mistake. During a recent three-hour phone conversation with Ursula, I mentioned that I had hired a personal assistant. Initially, Ursula seemed pleased that I was one step closer to having everyone in the world take orders from me. “What’s his name?” she said, to which I replied “Basically, her name is Juanita.” Little did I know that the aforementioned conversation would descend into a jealousy enraged shouting match. Basically, Ursula pointed out the very important fact that it is physically impossible for women not to find me attractive, with which I could not disagree, and that I am therefore forbidden from hiring female workers. Because I basically thought that Ursula raised a very important point, I decided that I should leave immediately for Slovenia to apologize to Ursula in person.

Personal Assistant

Basically, I’ve made a very important decision and want to share the aforementioned decision with you, my loyal protégés. As you may recall from your previous readings and the fact that my actions and my blog are basically probably among the most important things in your life since you don’t have anything as important happening in your life certainly not as important as single-handedly saving the Earth, I currently have two “people” that serve me: Mateo and Rogelio. As you can probably imagine, it’s hard to accomplish the important tasks in which I endeavor to involve myself when my technicians are out in the field collecting my data. What do I do when I’m talking to other, yet lesser, scientists on my satellite phone and I run out of Zima? In the past, I’ve found that the pager system that I had implemented whereby Mateo or Rogelio would return to fetch my beverage have been ineffective to say the least. Similarly, when Mateo and Rogelio are excavating my Land Rover, by definition neither of them are available to shade me with a parasol as I supervise the aforementioned excavation. For these reasons, I’ve decided to hire a personal assistant to have the privilege of taking care of these tasks. Basically, I was considering giving someone this opportunity recently when I was in town buying chicken drumsticks and I happened to encounter a young lady on the street who was apparently seeking employment. Although Juanita does not speak any English, I basically showed her a few guaranies, which as you probably do not know is basically a type of money used in Paraguay, and she was willing to come with me, probably because she has heard of my amazing intellect and biological field skills. Over the past few days, I’ve basically been able to order Mateo and Rogelio to teach Juanita the valuable skills and English words that she’ll need to help me save the planet. In addition to fetching Zima, dialing my satellite phone, and holding my parasol, Juanita’s main duties include sharpening my protocol-writing pencils, maintaining the lamination machine for aforementioned protocols, washing my loofahs with successively smaller loofahs, and polishing the hand trowels.

Excavation protocols

As you may or may not know, my inept technicians basically got the land rover stuck. Therewith, we must excavate the landrover in the most effortant and speedacious manner possible. I have created a laminated schematic which details aformentioned excavatiousition protocol. It's really self explanatory. As you can see, instead of the dodecahedron, I decided to add several more facets to the shape.This way, the aformentioned excavatiousition will proceed equally on all sides of the landrover and prevent a cave-in. And let me tell you, as someone who routinely needs to dig stuff out that I've gotten stuck, basically, not to brag, but I'm pretty good at preventing cave-ins. It's just an intuitive sense I have. People have tried to tell me that this is overly complicated, but they don't know how hard you have to work to prevent cave-ins. And I definitely do. So, looking at my schematic, you want to dig along the lines east and north of the blue sides on tuesdays, thursdays, and anytime after 6 PM. But on mondays, fridays, sundays, sundays, and saturdays, you want to dig perpendicularly to the red, chartreuse and salmon-colored sectors, unless it's raining. The green section will need to be dug with the floral-patterned trowels, and only while wearing officially-sanctioned digging headwear and underpants. It's basically very easy. But I'm sure my technicans will somehow screw it up.

Cricket

Basically, the only thing that may trump my love for the Earth, my life partner Ursula, and chicken drumsticks is my love of the most amazing sport on the planet, cricket. Beyond saving the planet, phone conversations with the love of my life, and my own personal hygiene needs, the largest proportion of my day is probably basically taken up by managing my fantasy cricket team. Yes, I do have a satellite television with the cricket ticket and I like nothing more than sitting down with an ice-cold Zima and watching an innings or two of my favourite sport. Yes, my bunny Magnum’s middle name is Wicket (Magnum Wicket Greatest-Biologist) and my first bunny’s name, may he rest in peace, was Sir Don Bradman. Yes, obviously after THE Sir Don Bradman the greatest batsman ever. I’m not bragging or anything, but my aforementioned fantasy cricket team is undoubtedly the greatest ever and has the greatest bowler and the most superior nightwatchman AND nightwatchbatperson in the world! How many century scoring players do you have on your team? How many of your players have been called out by a leg-before-wicket? I rest my case.

Update dose

Rogelio was not very appreciative of my generosity. I guess he didn't like his swan boat, because he threw my Zima into a pipe that ran underneath the road. It was a very narrow pipe, but I have a very large manly body, and unfortunately, my quest for the Zima resulted in a slight trip to the ER. But the doctors basically cut the pipe off my head, and I should be back vacationing with my sun goddess working hard in the field tomorrow.

Update oohno

As you may or may not know, Rogelio was bitching about having to swim alongside my canoe, so I basically got him a watercraft of his own at a yard sale:

PDA

As you may or may not know, protecting the Earth is very important to me and, although I’m basically doing it singlehandedly, I do have the help of my Sun-Goddess, my life partner, Ursula. Obviously, Ursula means little bear which does in many ways describe Ursula’s hirsute appearance, but it also describes her fierce and strong behaviour in the sack if you know what I mean. Some people basically think that I divulge too much information about my relationship, but who wouldn’t want to hear about my amazing sexual conquests? Ursula makes me wear a ball gag, does that make you uncomfortable? My advice to you: grow up and learn to observe a healthy and normal relationship without jealousy.

Obviously, when two people are meant for each other as much as me and my sweet Sun-Goddess Ursula, some people will doubt and try to sabotage our love. As you may or may not know, some people have used the word “codependent” to describe our relationship. Is it wrong that I talk to Ursula on my satellite phone for three hours every day? Do the math, that’s only one-sixth of a day! And my research grant pays for it anyway. Since Ursula lives in Slovenia, we only see each other once a month and, during each rendezvous, we have to basically fit in enough public groping, cuddling, and necking to make up for the three-week groping deficit. Obviously, I’ve lived on our beloved Earth for over three decades, but Ursula’s very presence causes me to degenerate into a hormone-enraged middle-school-style groping frenzy. People that basically don’t do the same thing clearly don’t care about each other. Basically, some people that are basically jealous of our relationship wonder how I can simultaneously save the Earth and have the time and money to fly to Slovenia once per month. As you may or may not know, a flight from Paraguay to Slovenia can cost in excess of $2000, so how can I justify charging that much money to my research project every month? And doesn’t the excessive fuel consumption of the airline industry contribute to the senseless destruction of our planet? Those are stupid questions. You should basically know that, in order to both save money and save Earth, I actually pick up aluminum cans along the way, cash those in for money and help clean Earth’s beautiful land and waterways. Sure this takes longer, but I give Mateo and Rogelio plenty of work to do while I’m gone and it’s no small price to pay for saving the Earth. You're welcome.

Mud

My studs and studettes, I have bad news. My personal 2-wheel drive land rover has basically succumbed to the quicksand, at least for now. Let me regale you with news of its passing, which, as you may or may not know, involves the incompetent parade of nitwits that pass for my technicians.

I was basically out driving across my neighbor's farm field with my land rover. I know my land rover does not save the earth as much as walking or taking my $12,000 canoe, but I had a mighty thirst for Zima that day, and we simply could not carry the Zima and field supplies and my emergency duffel of loofahs (for when I get mud on my face). So we set out for the field in the dead of night. We have to travel in the dead of night because I promised my neighbors I wouldn't tear up their farm fields. Ha! I don't think they've caught on yet. (It's been really windy though, and rocks keep falling from the cliff and breaking the windows of my land rover. Rogelio suggested the neighbors might not like me driving through their only patch of land that they use for their subsistence farming, and perhaps are throwing rocks at my two-wheel-drive land rover while I am not looking. However, not to brag or anything, but I have a B.S. in rockology, and I know that sometimes rocks fall from the cliff by my house.) But I digress. So we tore through the neighbor's pathetic little farm, when we got to a muddy spot. I made Mateo take off all his clothes and lay them in front of the land rover so that the tires didn't get dirty, and we drove across that one. But then there was another muddy spot that came up. Mateo suggested we turn around because it looked deep, but he's a pansy little girl like that. I said just to gun it and cranked up the Milli Vanilli and rocked out in the passenger seat. He must have gunned it wrong though, because we suddenly found ourselves in 5 feet of mud and sinking. Stupid Mateo, it was all his fault, that's the last time I let him drive. You can imagine my horror, because the land rover was basically incredibly muddy and relatively underwater. I am sure we will dig it out though, I have diverted my technicians to spend the next week digging for the land rover. I got them new hand trowels so that they do not scratch the land rover by digging too much at once, and have designed a special protocol, which directs the digging perpendicularly around the lines of a dodecahedron. It is sure to work.

Shambles

Basically, as I have returned from my aforementioned trip to Slovenia, I have now had time to assess the damage done by my “technicians.” While it is true that the aforementioned hired help collected more data than when I was present and no one died, they had the nerve to change my protocols! How dare they question my supreme knowledge and superior intuition?!? So basically, we might not collect as much “data” when I’m around, but it is important that what we do collect is done using MY protocols. As an important scientist, I feel it is my duty to impart my wisdom on these lesser biologists and correct their “efficient” methods. Get this, when I basically attempted to help these minions, Rogelio dared to question why I would leave the country for five weeks during the middle of my field season!?! That‘s what Mateo and Rogelio are here for!

Basically, I don’t need to explain myself but I basically will just so you understand where I’m coming from. Because of the pressures and responsibility associated with single-handedly saving the Earth, I have to be apart from my Sun-goddess, Ursula, for often weeks at a time. Ursula, who as you know from your previous readings lives in Slovenia, is without a doubt my life partner and soul mate, my Sun-goddess, and the only person able to understand and relate to my brilliance. Although we share many things in common, I believe our indestructible bond is related to our mutual love of three things: saving the Earth, Zima, and late 80’s pop sensation Milli Vanilli. In fact, our yearly five-week hiatus always revolves around the annual European Milli Vanilli Tribute Festival that occurs in late May of each year. Is that during my field season? Yes. But we all need to have priorities.

On the labeling of equipment I could otherwise be using

I am basically amazed at the greediness of humankind, particularly the kind of humans who call themselves my co-workers. They have the gall to basically label their possessions and then expect them to basically sit unused in a box while I am out in the field working without aforementioned possessions. Clearly, these people do not understand the value of saving the earth. They get mad at me for no basically reason when I basically borrow said possessions. These people need to get over it. They are not as smart as me, and don't really even deserve to be using this equipment just to conduct their research that is without merit. I'm just going to take some of this stuff, and basically put it to a better use than they could have anyways. They'll basically thank me later.