Thursday, February 25, 2010

A Potentially Groundbreaking Technique

Basically, as you may or may not know, I recently attended the annual Paraguayan Ornithological Organization of Paraguay (P.O.O.P.) conference to present a component of my research titled “A Potentially Groundbreaking Technique That Could Potentially Revolutionize the Attachment of Radio Transmitters to Avian Organisms Such That We Can Further Our Understanding of Their Movements, Habitat Utilization, Mortality Rates, and Interactions With Other Organisms in Large and Small Bums.” For those of you who may or may not know, “bums” simply refer to the sizes of forest patches in Paraguay. My results basically discuss the effectiveness of a novel, self-designed transmitter technique that will undoubtedly transform the field of Ornithology and should result in reduced HEWO mortality.

Basically, as many people know, my beautiful HEWOs experienced exceptionally high levels of post-capture mortality (98.3%) following my attaching radio transmitters to them the “old fashioned” way. My “knowledgeable” advisor informed me that these mortalities were to be expected and I should continue attaching transmitters to as many HEWOs as possible. Unfortunately, the number of HEWOs able to be captured was basically reduced by my need to document what I termed “In-the-hand behavior.” This basically means that following capture, I held the bird for ≥ 4.5 hours to assess their reaction to being, what some have termed, manhandled. However, this, in my opinion, is one of the most important and innovative investigations to ever be undertaken, as most self-proclaimed researchers simply take measurements and release a bird without ever documenting how they react to long periods of stress associated with handling and video documenting. After several field seasons, however, my HEWOs continued to suffer unimaginable mortality rates. My advisor kept encouraging me that I needed be persistent and suggested I carry on with the original technique, but I felt that it was simply his attempt to sabotage my otherwise flawless career. So, in response to his ridiculous demands, I developed several new attachment techniques which called for transmitters to be tied/glued/stapled/taped to various parts of HEWOs such that I could determine which worked best. Basically, I was able to narrow down my options to 2 techniques that resulted in the fewest mortalities: the helmet attachment and the bill attachment. Some people suggested these to be even riskier than former techniques, yet no one has attempted to design a new method in years, which is basically, in my opinion, inexcusable, and the papers published explaining the use of these old techniques obviously lack merit.


My results indicated that these attachments worked much better than former ones, as the birds lived several days longer than with old attachment methods and the transmitters were easier to attach since there aren’t as many feathers to deal with. However, I basically continued to face a confounding issue with my post-release dispersal investigation. Basically, I believed this was potentially due to the birds flopping around on the ground following release, making them more prone to depredation. Unfortunately, I have always left the area immediately after releasing birds, such that they weren't disturbed further, so their fates remained unknown until my technicians tried to track them 4 weeks later. So, my testing of a new rocket backpack transmitter that provided my HEWOs with the extra “boost” they needed to take off after release showed that their post-capture dispersal was significantly greater than previously documented, further supporting my belief that old methods are ineffective. Therefore, I suggest this method be employed further by all "researchers" using radio transmitters to track movements, as I have proven its effectiveness at achieving statistically significant results.


Sunday, February 21, 2010

Skewed sex ratio

As you may or may not know, many of my field assistants are basically male. While this basically provides a greater likelihood of them being stronger, smarter, and not wanting to stop and buy high heels, it does not necessarily mean they will achieve any level of competency, and moreover, makes it far less likely that I will want to look at their disgusting bodies. Therefore, I have decided that the next round of technicians will be female. Furthermore, an equal ratio of males and females is harmonious and equitable and earth-loving, and makes me seem not prejudiced.

With the above in mind, I considered various techniques to attract some lovely ladies to assist me. I posted my announcement for technicians to various biological jobs boards with statements requiring breasts, and requiring the attachment of head shots and full body shots in a bikini, but perplexingly, found no takers. Well, no female takers - actually one heavyset guy named Chad sent me a picture of something, but I'm trying to purge those images from my memory.

I asked Mitzi how to go about finding the right type of women for me, and luckily for me she had some inside info. Must be because she's a woman. Not that good-looking of a woman, but she is able to file and collate adequately, somedays. Anyway, she said the first thing I need to attract my kind of woman is the right outfit. I am a very fashionable guy, but I am known for being very open to a little good advice, and so I thought this little number she found did show off my studliness:

Then Mitzi directed me to the part of town where all the good-looking women hang out. Man, she was right, I had them coming right up to the vehicle asking if I needed anything done or if I was looking for any new girls! They seem so willing to work, that's the kind of attitude I like.



So I got three of them and brought them back to the field station - Lola, Candy, and Gina. I have to say, they are going to improve the scenery around here. Lola said she knew Juanita, which I found a bit odd... Anyway, we'll see how this works out, they seem very willing to work.