Equipment Borrowing Protocol

The WGB’s greatness in the world of science is not in any way novel. In addition to my spitting good looks, my boyish charm, and my ability to make everyone around me seem like they are one genetic mutation away from being legally retarded, I am particularly crafty in making sure that all of my focus is on the WGB, and I let nothing stand in the way of my mission to save my planet or my time spent with the most beautiful, bipedal creature to grace the Earth; my Ursula. As much as I would like to help everyone else with their projects that, dare I say, lack merit, I am simply too busy saving the planet and studying the greatest bird of all time, the HEWO. So, basically, I have devised a protocol in which I am able to make other, less meritous projects, donate their equipment to help me save the world from utter devastation. As you all remember, I received a massive grant to carry out research on the HEWO and have put all of the aforementioned grant money to good use. However, there are still things that I simply must have that, rather than waste my own money purchasing, I borrow from lesser researchers. Take, for instance, my borrowing of a hovercraft from the University of Paraguay’s Sea Turtle Project. Initially, the turtle project coordinators were hesitant to loan me their only field vehicle, but after convincing them that my project required a hovercraft, they let me borrow it for “just one week.” But, as any real scientist knows, saving the planet isn’t going to happen in a week!
So, upon acquiring my new hovercraft I set out in search of the elusive HEWO.

What the turtle project ignoramuses didn’t inform me of was that hovercrafts are not very useful in environments with trees! Are You Freaking Kidding Me!? How did they not know that! So, needless to say, I spent much of the day bouncing off of trees like a friggin’ pinball and began to bleed from my ears because the stupid craft was louder than a turbo jet. And, more importantly, I never even detected a HEWO! Eventually, I found a new helmet with built in hearing protectors and was able to find my way back out of the woods, but the hovercraft suffered some damage in the process. Because I was bouncing around and ended up going backwards through a portion of unfamiliar habitat, I ended up driving the hovercraft over a cliff and landed in the tops of some trees.

I suffered a severe laceration to my smallest toe that required a dollop of Neosporin and a large bandaid. Unfortunately, My equipment borrowing protocol does not discuss how to remove a hovercraft from the canopy. It does, however, explicitly say that all borrowed equipment should be returned in worse condition than it was in when it was borrowed. This is suggested in my protocol because if the equipment is returned in equal or better condition, then this would indicate that said equipment was not used as it should have been. I borrow equipment with the understanding that it is worthless and it has served its purpose only when it’s broken or damaged, thereby indicating it was used. Bascially, the sea turtle crew didn’t understand my genius protocol and seemed unhappy with the location and condition of their hovercraft. They tried to explain to me that I needed to get the hovercraft out of the tree because I borrowed it. But I told them that because I was done using it and no longer needed its services that it was their responsibility to purchase a helicopter to remove it from the treetops. Are You Freaking Kidding Me?!? How do they not understand that the loss of their crappy hovercraft is but a small price to pay to have me save the world?