Pooper On the Loose!

I will make this post quick because I’m in the process of doing some surveillance work in my field house and, given that I basically just posted a post, I don't want all of you expecting to see several posts a day.  Basically, I guess my bowels are still getting used to non-prison food.  I had just slipped into my favorite pair of underpants in preparation for bed when I felt a rumbling in my gut that signaled the onset of what I self-diagnosed as Irritable Bowel Syndrome. 

 

 It must have been the chicken drumsticks I ate for dinner.  I knew it was going to be a long night, so I grabbed my favorite book (Charlotte’s Web), three rolls of toilet paper, and my new tablet and shuffled my way to the bathroom.  As I neared my porcelain throne, I realized immediately something wasn’t right.  My nose started to burn, my eyes watered terribly, and I began to dry heave.  The door to the bathroom was partly open and the odor coming out of it was what I would expect the inside of a Mastodon’s rectum to smell like.  I peered inside and couldn't believe my eyes.  There was poop. Everywhere!  Apparently, someone had sprayed their insides all over the toilet, the trash can, the sink, even the shower head.  I briefly wondered how such universal coverage was even physically possible before I began having flashbacks of prison and thinking about that time when four other prisoners and I . . . Sorry, but the memories are still too traumatic to delve into right now. Anyway, after mentally collecting myself, my curiosity quickly turned to rage.  This fecal attack was deliberate, insulting, and an act of war.  It was also too vile to post on this blog, so here is an image of what my bathroom used to look like.  

Everyone knows I consider my bathroom a sacred place, hence my bathroom cleaning protocol, Bathroom Inventory, Toilet Cleaning, and Health (B.I.T.C.H.). To defecate all over it in such a violent manner is treasonous.  As a response, I have developed the Reconnoiter And Procure Invisible Spackling Terrorist (R.A.P.I.S.T.) protocol to find the perpetrator and bring them to justice.  I know you follow my blog, spackler, so consider this your warning.  I will find you and you will pay for this injustice!  And don't worry Carl, this will not detract from my quest for ultimate revenge!