Let The Games Begin

Basically, as you may or may not know, I recently informed you, my loyal fans, of my “adventures” involving everything from Orientals to equipment purchases. Well, I have basically been placed in a very stressful situation with Mitzi’s “accidental” purchase of not only Wang et al., but of a suite of other potential technicians including Russians, Japanese, and Mongolians! ARE YOU FREAKIN KIDDING ME?!? If Mitzi wasn’t so skilled at organizing paperwork that I can’t be bothered with, she surely wouldn’t be breathing the same air as I am! So, basically I am now forced to develop a protocol for weeding out the weak technicians so only the strong will serve as my minions. After thinking long and hard about what can be done and asking Ursula what type of protocol I should develop to deal with this outrageous situation, I developed the “HEWOdome” technician test. Obviously, basically the most physically and mentally challenging potential HEWO technician interview process ever devised! Basically, to answer the question I know you all are thinking, yes, the “HEWOdome” technician test is loosely based on the 1985 hit movie titled “Thunderdome” starring Tina Turner and Mel Gibson. It is basically Ursula’s favorite movie ever of all time and so to honor my sun-goddess, I based my technician test protocol on this box office smash.

Basically, my “HEWOdome” test will involve 28 straight hours of written exams covering everything from my life history and the information contained in my few, but invaluable publications to the ecology and evolutionary history of the HEWO. I also intend to utilize a new bird identification program called Practical Eyesight Nectotron for Identification of Species; PENIS for short. Bascially, what PENIS does is it rapidly displays a series of 100 pictures of different bird species in under 1 minute, about 6 inches from the face of the person being examined. The person must then correctly identify as many species as possible. Those with the highest score will then move on to the next phase of testing. Following will be a 72 hour all-terrain race using their respective field “vehicles”. One major component of this race is the acquisition of a case of ZIMA I have hidden at various locations in the jungle. The persons to bring back the most cases of ZIMA will move on to the final showdown; a fight-to-the-death in the “HEWO Dome”. I will introduce various weapons into the arena to see how the potential technicians deal with novel tools and stressful field-like situations. Basically, I only have money to support 7 technicians, so unfortunately most will basically have to perish in the “HEWOdome”. Some of you may be thinking, why can you not hire everyone? You received the largest grant known to humans to study HEWOs! Well basically, to answer this silly question, it’s because I don’t want everyone. I want the best of the best, not some illegals shipped over on a cargo barge that wouldn’t know a HEWO from the nutsack of a mountain gorilla. It may hurt some of you to know this, but my type of research is not for everyone. In actuality, I am truly the only human that can do it properly. Everyone else’s feeble attempts at scientific greatness basically, obviously, lack merit. So, it is left to me to make the world a better place for everyone. . .

Wang et al.

Well Mitzi, you failed me, as expected. I don't know how hard it is to log on to E-Baysian and order me a bunch of Asians, but something has gone wrong. First off, the cargo barge ran aground into a highway somewhere.



But since they were basically on land, they decided to call and confirm our order. I was expecting to just get the Wangs, but apparently four different familes of Asians are headed our way! Are you freaking kidding me? What am I going to do with them all? I hope they get along...


Basically anyways, I was initially basically surprised about this, but basically thinking about all of the important work that needs to be basically done saving the world, I decided this would basically be an excellent opportunity to obtain additional help in the field, basically. However, all of my field assistants must pass a rigorous interview with me. So I decided to interview the 4 families that were coming. This was difficult because they don't speak much English, I guess they must be stupid or something. Again, I basically couldn't understand their unpronounceable names, so I was again forced to give them collective names. In addition to the Wangs, we will shortly be expecting the arrival of the Khans, the Gorbachevs, and the Kawasakis. I wasn't really able to interview them thoroughly, but considering the circumstances, I'll give them a pass. The important thing is that they assured me that they had their own field vehicles. I am eagerly awaiting their arrival. Plus, I need a pedicure and some sweet-and-sour chicken drumsticks.

Is this all I’m worth?

As expected, Ursula and her parents couldn’t live without having me join their family tree. Perhaps because of my amazing skills and intellect, or because they’d like to increase the probability of purging their gene pool of uni-brows and female hirsutism. Basically, I was recently contacted by Yuri, Ursula’s father, with the terms of the dowry he is willing to offer in order to have me marry his daughter. So after waiting with anticipation for 5 months without telling anyone, you can imagine my surprise when today I received an old dishwasher, a blue bowling ball, 41 coconuts and an angry cat! ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!? I was expecting a luxury car, gold, diamonds and/or other various gemstones, and livestock! The man’s a freakin’ goat herder and he can’t spare a single goat!?! Does he have any idea how much a petrified owl-monkey-testicle-laden ring costs?!? Although he claimed that’s all he could afford, I think I’m playing hardball on this one. I’m not some second-rate biologist and, although I’m not one to brag, I’m the best damned biologist in the world! I momentarily considered putting myself back on the market, but I do realize that I’m unlikely to find another person like Ursula, my Sun-Goddess. I truly believe she’s the only one that loves and admires me as much as I love and admire myself. For this reason, I’ll give Yuri a chance to supplement this meager dowry. In the meantime, I’ll need to have Mateo take a break from massaging Magnum’s feet and dispose of this non-functional dishwasher in the forest somewhere.

Ursula is the luckiest woman in the world!

Basically, as you may or may not remember, Halloween is the most special of special holidays. Never has the day been more exceptional than this past year when, as you may or may not recall, I went, as I do for all important major holidays, to Slovenia to spend this extraordinary day with my Sun-Goddess, Ursula. As we went to the Halloween ball dressed as the two greatest musicians in the history of music or history, Rob and Fab, the two transcendent musical virtuoso geniuses from the band known as Milli Vanilli, I had a surprise in my pocket. Obviously, this isn’t the first time I’ve had a surprise in my pocket for Ursula, as I’m sure she, her goat, and most of her neighbors within a three-block radius can basically tell you, and by that I’m basically referring to my amazing sexual prowess although I don’t like to toot my own horn, although Ursula basically does. I hope I’m not making you uncomfortable, but if I am, that’s just the price you’ll have to pay for being my loyal unquestioning and subservient followers. Because I am a biologist, mentor, and artist, in the interest of pedagogy I have provided a biological diagram of Ursula's goat:

Prior to departing for Slovenia, I had used some of my research funds to commission a local Paraguayan jeweler, Roberto, to make an engagement ring in the form of Kurupi, the Guarani god of sexuality and fertility, out of the petrified testicle of a free-ranging owl monkey. Basically, nothing can better symbolize our love and commitment for one another. Not only did he make the aforementioned ring that I would later bestow upon my almost-sole-reason for living, Ursula, he also made me a matching ring that he said was of “Jasy Jetere” god of the siesta, whatever that means, out of the owl monkey’s baculum, whatever that is.

As we left for the aforementioned party, me with the extra testicle in my pocket, I was giddy. I couldn’t wait for that special moment to arrive, that moment of pure ecstasy that we had experienced on the dance floor each of the previous two years when our favourite song, “Girl you know it’s true”, was played for our slow dance of the evening. The excitement was almost too much to take. This would be the most important moment of Ursula’s life. I quickly grew impatient and when the song “Blame it on the rain” came on, I briefly lost control and peed a little bit in my pants. I then regained my composure and waited patiently for two more songs after which I approached the DJ, who likely recognized me, and demanded that he play our song. As I walked back toward Ursula, the song came on and our eyes locked across the dance floor, just as they had done two long years before. What happened next was obviously magical. I dropped to one knee and reached into my pocket. All at once, I emptied the rest of my bladder and began to sob uncontrollably. As I kneeled, sobbing and in a pool of my own urine, I began to slowly utter the most profound words to ever leave the mouth of a human being “Will you…” and it was at that point that the sobbing became so uncontrollable that my speech was obstructed by the streams of snot pouring down my face. I continued “Will you…” and then collapsed to the floor where I crouched in the fetal position and lost control of my bowels. As I laid in my own waste incomprehensibly stuttering and shaking uncontrollably, Ursula knelt down and I asked if she would join me in saving the Earth and do me the honour of being my wife and, legally, number one follower. Obviously, she did not feel comfortable answering at that point in time for fear of making all of the other women, men, and hermaphrodites in the room jealous. She assured me that, as is custom in her culture, she would give me an answer after five months while her father attempted to amass a proper dowry, and she made me promise not to tell anyone in the meantime. Well, five months is up, and we’re officially engaged! I’m supposed to find out my dowry tomorrow, and I’m sure a proper Slovenian dowry for the World’s Greatest Biologist will be quite impressive.

Equipment Borrowing Protocol

The WGB’s greatness in the world of science is not in any way novel. In addition to my spitting good looks, my boyish charm, and my ability to make everyone around me seem like they are one genetic mutation away from being legally retarded, I am particularly crafty in making sure that all of my focus is on the WGB, and I let nothing stand in the way of my mission to save my planet or my time spent with the most beautiful, bipedal creature to grace the Earth; my Ursula. As much as I would like to help everyone else with their projects that, dare I say, lack merit, I am simply too busy saving the planet and studying the greatest bird of all time, the HEWO. So, basically, I have devised a protocol in which I am able to make other, less meritous projects, donate their equipment to help me save the world from utter devastation. As you all remember, I received a massive grant to carry out research on the HEWO and have put all of the aforementioned grant money to good use. However, there are still things that I simply must have that, rather than waste my own money purchasing, I borrow from lesser researchers. Take, for instance, my borrowing of a hovercraft from the University of Paraguay’s Sea Turtle Project. Initially, the turtle project coordinators were hesitant to loan me their only field vehicle, but after convincing them that my project required a hovercraft, they let me borrow it for “just one week.” But, as any real scientist knows, saving the planet isn’t going to happen in a week!
So, upon acquiring my new hovercraft I set out in search of the elusive HEWO.

What the turtle project ignoramuses didn’t inform me of was that hovercrafts are not very useful in environments with trees! Are You Freaking Kidding Me!? How did they not know that! So, needless to say, I spent much of the day bouncing off of trees like a friggin’ pinball and began to bleed from my ears because the stupid craft was louder than a turbo jet. And, more importantly, I never even detected a HEWO! Eventually, I found a new helmet with built in hearing protectors and was able to find my way back out of the woods, but the hovercraft suffered some damage in the process. Because I was bouncing around and ended up going backwards through a portion of unfamiliar habitat, I ended up driving the hovercraft over a cliff and landed in the tops of some trees.

I suffered a severe laceration to my smallest toe that required a dollop of Neosporin and a large bandaid. Unfortunately, My equipment borrowing protocol does not discuss how to remove a hovercraft from the canopy. It does, however, explicitly say that all borrowed equipment should be returned in worse condition than it was in when it was borrowed. This is suggested in my protocol because if the equipment is returned in equal or better condition, then this would indicate that said equipment was not used as it should have been. I borrow equipment with the understanding that it is worthless and it has served its purpose only when it’s broken or damaged, thereby indicating it was used. Bascially, the sea turtle crew didn’t understand my genius protocol and seemed unhappy with the location and condition of their hovercraft. They tried to explain to me that I needed to get the hovercraft out of the tree because I borrowed it. But I told them that because I was done using it and no longer needed its services that it was their responsibility to purchase a helicopter to remove it from the treetops. Are You Freaking Kidding Me?!? How do they not understand that the loss of their crappy hovercraft is but a small price to pay to have me save the world?

The Podiatric Massagial Arts

Basically, as you may remember from yesterday’s post, I sent my technician Carl to a technical college to learn how to perform professional foot messages. I also had Mitzi, my project secretary/planner, look into recruiting a crew strictly for massage purposes. This post is to let all of my fans know the great news . . . Mitzi was able to purchase Carl’s entire family!

They are scheduled to board a cargo barge today and should be arriving at my field house within the next week. Mitzi has told me that the description on E-Baysian.com described the Wangs as basically well trained in the massaging arts. As was the case with Carl, their names are basically unpronounceable and I was forced to give them all one, collective name; the Wangs. The Wangs’ purpose will be to massage my feet during scheduled 20 minute breaks and at night while I watch the two greatest shows of all time; American Idol and Dancing With The Stars. Some of you may be wondering why I need Carl's entire family. Well basically, the basic truth is that I don't really need all of them, they were a package deal so I had no choice but to buy them as one. However, apparently, basically one of the Wangs cooked for a Chinese restaurant and, because I am such a fan of chicken legs, I intend to utilize their culinary talents to cook me some delicious chicken leg fried rice, chicken legs in garlic sauce, chicken legs and broccoli, General Wangs chicken legs, and Zima-basted chicken drumsticks.

I basically anticipate this being a scrumptious change to my typical dinner of baked 6-legged chicken that I am currently forced to make myself. I know what you all are thinking; What is to happen to Mateo, my former foot massager? Well, basically I have promoted him to massaging the feet of my giant rabbit, Magnum. You may also be thinking; Well wasn’t Rogelio in charge of caring for Magnum? No worries my concerned followers, I have Rogelio currently working out the issues associated with the radio-reception acquisition protocols I recently enacted.