Dissertation Completion

One thing to understand about prison, in case you have not been incarcerated, is that you basically have a lot of time on your hands.  Depending on your cellmate, perhaps you’ll spend considerable time on both hands and knees, but that’s another story.  When I was on the outside, much of my exceptional effort was placed on saving the Earth and its beautiful creatures including but not limited to, but mostly, the Helmeted Woodpecker.  Captive confinement curtailed my direct involvement in Earth-saving activities, so I basically had to direct my efforts toward other undertakings including but not limited to instituting a shiv recycling program, creating a prison-constrained protocol laminating system, not dropping the soap, and of course, Ultimate Frisbee.

Outside of these pursuits, I basically found time to finish my dissertation.  I completed the defence for the aforementioned dissertation as a series of 30-minute non-conjugal visits with my “advisor” and other committee members including, and limited to, Tzar Pickfit, Gip Chirpor, and a “neighbor” from my cellblock that everyone called Esteban Estupendo… or was it Esteban Estupido?…  basically, whatever, but he basically had a Ph.D. and was basically eligible for adjunct faculty status in my graduate programme. 

 If you’re lucky, I’ll undoubtedly give you more details about the aforementioned dissertation in a future post.

Clarifyation

Undoubtedly, you, my loyal followers, may have many questions about my absence and triumphant return.  This aforementioned statement may be proved by the recent comment elicited by my previous post.  Did I escape from prison?  This time, they let me out.  In fact, they basically begged me to leave for some reason.  Last time, as you may or may not recall, I declared that I left when I felt like I had more important things to do.  Some people may or may not refer to that as “escaping.”  Potato, tomato.  Did I mention that my prior incarceration was unjust?  That it was driven primarily by the misinformation of my former technician Carl, who will basically never receive a favourable recommendation from me for future employment thus destroying his intentions of future biological occupations?  That I really did have more important things to do??  Did I mention that my supposed “lawyer”, Martin Almada, basically refused to properly represent my innocence on the technicality that I “partes de mono vendidos”???  ¿Me estás tomando el pelo?!!!

I basically intend to clear my name and resume my important Earth-saving activities.  It’s basically unfortunate that, as I sit here in this internet café catching up on what it is that I may or may not have missed during my aforementioned hiatus based on a disastrous misunderstanding of my conservation-oriented activities despite continued insistence among staff of the aforementioned internet café that I leave because I am not a paying customer, almost all of my supposedly loyal, but apparently worthless, technicians have abandoned me.  I know that you, my loyal followers, would never do that.  Right now, I’m currently working out a protocol for returning to my field site. I know you’ll be anxiously awaiting the aforementioned return.

Freedom

Basically, it’s been approximately more or less 3 years, 5 months, 25 days, 14 hours, 17 minutes, and 13 seconds, plus or minus exactly a few minutes or so.  Leaving you helplessly stranded and lacking direction in my unexplained absence was not my choice.  I sit here in an internet café in Asunción such that I can inform you of my return to the imperative activities of saving our Earth from careless human carelessness.



My aforementioned return has been precipitated by the completing of my “term” in prison, whatever that means.  As you may or may not recall, but undoubtedly remember, I told you, my loyal followers, about my year in a Paraguayan prison.  I basically spared you some of the details about the aforementioned incarceratory time, but, long story less long, it turns out you can’t just leave prison when you feel like you have more important things to do, even if you do have more important things to do, and can prove it.  Having completed all of the instructions listed on the long-laminated Prison Release Information Dissemination protocol, I must return to my important work of singlehandedly prying Earth’s biodiversity from Man’s evil greed. You’re welcome. 

Incarcerational Logistics

Another of the major, if not most important, questions that basically arose prior to my incarceration was how I could continue to be on the forefront of Earth saving while being largely basically cut off from communication with most of the denizens of the Earth that I am destined to save.  Obviously, there were two major challenges. Firstly, how to communicate with my technicians such that I could give them appropriate instructions towards appropriate Earth-saving activities. After firstly, how to make sure that I can continue to get the appropriate inspirational sustenance that I require such that I can continue to run my Earth-saving operation. Solution #1: Carrier Pigeons.

We basically sold one of our field vehicles and used all of the money to purchase the aforementioned pigeons and hire the World’s Greatest Pigeon Handler, Gustavo.  As you can likely ascertain by looking at Gustavo, he's an experienced man, and we basically had the utmost confidence that he would successfully spearhead one of the most important operations in the history of pigeons.

With a new flock of carrier pigeons and Gustavo on the job, saving the Earth was basically inevitable and operation dissertation completion was looming on the horizon despite my brief incarcerational setback.

The Shiv or the Shank?

Dwight has finally basically awakened, but he has basically been less than forthcoming about where he was or how he got all of the various scratches and abrasions about his body.  After he finally woke up, we basically immediately got back to my therapy.  After a few hours with the aforementioned Dwight and a few bottles of my precious limited supply of Zima, I basically realized that I need to communicate my prison experience to my loyal followers such that I can heal and such that I can provide inspiration to those of you that may or may not spend time in prison at some point in the future for some unforeseen reason.  Basically, the first thing I did when I learned I was going to prison was devote all of the time of my technicians to studying what I needed to do to survive my unfortunate and unfair banishment.  As you may or may not know, there are basically some good books out there on this topic.

There are basically a few basic rules to surviving your prison stay: rule number 1, get yourself a good shiv. Rule number 2, show the other prison people that you mean business. I normally basically don’t want anything to do with business because of the evil destructive practices employed by business in destroying Earth’s precious resources, but this was about survival. Not just any survival, my survival, and therefore Earth’s survival. One such way that one may show that one means business to others such that they establish dominance is through using the aforementioned shiv for shanking a fellow inmate. Basically, shivs can be made from lots of different materials but, interestingly, there really aren’t places where you can buy these so you generally have to make them yourself or buy them from other prison tenants using cigarettes or favors.  So I basically went to prison with a plan, but with lots of unanswered questions about how to get the aforementioned shiv...

iMAnAss

Whereas most normal scientists are hell-bent on destroying the environment by taking notes on paper, I’ve basically invested in a tablet computer such that I may eliminate my need for paper and further inspire you. Obviously, the fanciness of my possessions must be proportional to my importance of a scientist. As you may or may not know, many people with the aforementioned tablet computers settle for the iPad or even lesser types of tabputer©.  I basically refused to settle and have therefore purchased the much more expensive iMAnAss, which is only exclusively offered by one purveyor of luxury goods.

No, I don’t understand the name of it, but I do understand that it’s more expensive than an iPad and therefore must basically be vastly superior.  Someone has suggested that I’m an ass for purchasing the aforementioned tablet, hence the name, whereas others have suggested that in referring to man ass, it’s geared towards homosexuals. I can basically assure you that I’m neither of these things*, I’m the World’s Greatest freaking Biologist!  And no, I don’t know why there are donkeys on it, or why one donkey is trying to give the other the Heimlich maneuver, but it’s the best and that’s why I need it.  The aforementioned purchase will undoubtedly help me on my Earth-saving quest toward dissertation completion.

*prison doesn’t count

An Ingenious Plan

My selfless quest to save the Helmeted Woodpecker from certain destruction at the hands of out-of-control monkeys is progressing nicely. I realize that my previous order to kill all monkeys may have gone a bit overboard. Basically, to more-or-less narrow things down significantly, I’m proud to announce the announcement of a new and freshly laminated protocol: Procurement Of Owl-monkey Parts (POOP). Obviously, this is largely, if not entirely, based on Samuel’s description of his friend’s description of the monkey observed possibly robbing a woodpecker nest of its precious and irreplaceable contents.

For logistical reasons, I’ve placed the success of the aforementioned protocols in the soft and able hands of my technician Carl. Basically, as you may or may not recall, Carl came to this country from China and brought numerous members of his podiatrically inclined family. As you may or may not basically realize from the name of said protocol, it involves capturing and dispatching of Owl-monkeys, then basically inserting testicles, gall bladders, and other assorted valuable body parts into condoms or balloons and ingesting aforementioned condoms or balloons prior to departure for China. For those that don’t die from unfortunate intestinal blockages, the proceeds from the sale of aforementioned monkey parts will be used to fund the interview process associated with my newly laminated HERPIES protocol. An opportunity to simultaneously save the Helmeted Woodpecker and contribute to overall Earth-saving is rare, but it’s probably not surprising that I’ve thought of it.

I have HERPIES...

Even though nobody has specifically asked about my new protocol for replacing my Earth-saving life partner, I’m sure that you’ve been wondering and I thought I may provide some explanation such that you may understand. The HERPIES protocol basically involves a very detailed list of suitable criteria for aforementioned personnel such that the replaced person(s) may fulfill the necessary duties in an adequate and appropriate yet worthwhile way for numerous years, potentially possibly more-or-less indefinitely. Explaining the entire protocol in detail is likely futile, as you basically likely aren’t capable of fully understanding. Nonetheless, I feel obligated to try to dumb it down for you such that you may grasp its importance. Obviously, admiring me and my brazen quest for saving Earth from man’s ungentle donkey punch of destruction is first and foremost on the aforementioned list. A second but possibly equally important qualification is that all people of eastern European descent are automatically disqualified from further consideration. The above aforementioned criteria, along with a strong preference for hirsutism, are basically the guiding principles for HERPIES, and I’m looking forward to Mitzi narrowing the sure-to-be extensive applicant pool in the not-too-distant yet close-to-immediate future. The protocol is laminated, and it’s time to begin. Wish me luck. Basically, Earth’s future hangs in the balance.

Murderous Marauding Monkeys

Enough with the freaking monkey questions! Are you freaking kidding me?!? Did you not read about my historic enacting of the HERPIES protocol?!? The dead monkeys were delivered to Samuel, the local butcher. Obviously, he grinds the aforementioned primates and includes the meat as fillers for ground beef and various sausages whilst exporting various organs via Chinese smugglers.

This is important because the aforementioned monkey meat offsets the horrendous environmental impacts of the Paraguayan beef industry. Also, basically, Samuel recently informed me that the reason we’re having no luck finding Helmeted Woodpecker nests is because of monkey overpopulation. He went on to explain that he knows someone who saw a monkey raiding a woodpecker nest. Obviously, I can’t just stand by and watch these murderous marauding monkeys drive the most glorious creature on this planet to its demise. To stop these pugnacious primates, I’ve ordered all members of my crew to trap or kill every monkey they encounter such that they can be delivered to Samuel. Saving the Earth is sometimes an insalubrious job, but I’m obviously the only person qualified for the aforementioned task.

A Brief Moment of Reflection

Basically, this is the last question I’ll answer about Yuri’s damned monkeys. Yes, Mateo and Rogelio hid another monkey, and no I didn’t find it for months. As you may or may not know, I don’t regularly visit the earthen huts where “the help” stay, but an anonymous report of an above-average flea infestation forced me to investigate. As I methodically worked through the hut inspection protocol, I found it hidden under an old Zima crate. This time, they had it dressed up like a woman. Are you freaking kidding me?!? Exploiting the fact that I won’t hit a woman or any creature dressed like a woman?!?

Then Rogelio uttered its name, Ursulita, and I launched into an uncontrollable rage. As I asphyxiated the creature and bludgeoned her to death with my pocket-sized abacus, I felt a strange sense of arousal and longing for companionship. It was with the death of this small primate that I also said goodbye to my months-long denial about Ursula’s ultimate betrayal. Basically, I realized it was time find a replacement such that my Earth-saving activities may again be facilitated by an unabashed admirer, hopefully one with a father capable of producing an appropriate dowry. Obviously, I ordered Mitzi to immediately form a search committee to enact the Honouring Earth by Replacing Personnel Inasmuch as Earth needs Saved protocol (HERPIES).

Impeccable Penmanship

How do I function realizing that the value of my signature will one day be priceless? No, this is not one of the questions basically submitted by you, my loyal followers, but nonetheless is a question I was sure you’d be wondering about. My burden is basically unlike any other placed on a contemporary scientist. With great supremacy comes a prodigious encumbrance. I basically know what you’re thinking, I sound even more erudite that normal. Well let me explain such that you may understand. Realizing the future importance of my autograph caused me to do two things. First, I’ve set aside two hours per day to practice my autograph such that it is aesthetically pleasing and impossible to counterfeit. Second, I’ve hired a notary to certify all signed documents, including credit card receipts. Obviously, this notary is also an unemployed linguist who brought with him two special books; one he calls a “dictionary” and the other a “thesaurus.” I basically already know what you’re thinking, what on Earth does he do with a book of pornography and a book about dinosaurs? Basically, that’s not what these are, they’re books full of fancy words.

Lazlo has been showering me with complements since beginning employment as my senior notary, using words like “excruciating”, “abysmal”, “appalling”, “horrendous”, and “atrocious” to describe my writing. Basically, I don’t know what any of these words mean, but I’m honoured that he would use such extravagant words to describe my work. Therefore, I’ve ordered Lazlo to use his magic books to improve upon my word choice, if that’s possible, such that my signature may one day be even more valuable. Basically, I will use the proceeds from my autographs to fund my Earth saving operation. It’s the least I can do.

Moronical Musical Monkeys

As much as it pains me to do so, I must basically reject Ursula’s father’s dowry such that I can move on with my life and my mission of saving the Earth. As you may or may not recall from my previous post, the original and basically laughable dowry offered by Ursula’s father, Yuri, consisted of an old dishwasher, blue bowling ball, a bunch of coconuts, and an angry cat. Obviously, this does not recognize my greatness, so I accepted this feeble offering and requested additional gifts to be given in accordance with my dowry supplementation protocol (DSP) such that I could basically accept it. As you may or may not know, my favourite musical act of all time is Milli Vanilli, and I’m also quite fond of monkeys. Basically, my DSP included acquiring a band of native Paraguayan monkeys that, with assorted yet appropriate instruments, attempt to replicate the greatness of Rob and Fab such that I may enjoy the aforementioned sounds whilst saving the Earth and/or receiving foot massages. I thought this would basically be a small thing to ask since he’s a renowned collector of the World’s rarest monkeys.

Do you have any idea what that ignorant son of a goat herder gave me? A band on primates that play Milli Vanilli’s soothing sounds and infectious grooves yet are not native to Paraguay!!! The costumes don’t fool me Yuri, I’m a freaking biologist!

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!? What nerve. Milli Vanilli doesn’t even have acoustic instruments or a saxophone player! So needless to say, obviously, the deal is off. Good riddance Ursula, and I want that owl-monkey-testicle-laden ring back for the next lucky lady that might actually be committed to helping me singlehandedly save the Earth.

One more reason I am a vegickentarian!

Basically for those of you that are not intimate with the ideals of the WGB, I am what I term a vegickentarian; one who eats only vegetables and chicken, particularly chicken legs. The reasons for my choosing such a diet are complex and are many. The most notable up until this past week was the killing of my uncle Ernesto. Years ago as a child, I witnessed one of the most horrible events in my life. My uncle delivered a calf on the family farm. He slowly walked up to the calf, as he had done to countless others, and began to try and feed it milk through a bottle. Once uncle Ernest bent over to slip the nipple into the calf’s mouth, it bit him in the neck, basically decapitating him. The calf quickly turned on me and tried to bite my leg, but luckily it only bit my cargo shorts and my Captain Planet underpants before I knocked it out by pistol whipping it. Sadly, my uncle did not make it, and being witness to the whole thing left me scarred for life. It was from that day forward that I vowed to never trust any cow, including the meat that is taken from them.
I recently returned to the field to conduct my ground breaking research on the elusive HEWO. Because this research is so important to the health of our planet I had no problem acquiring some very large grants to carry out the aforementioned stuff. Basically, aside from hiring a new technician solely for massaging the bunions on my sore feet and getting me Zima 24/7, I purchased a new field vehicle to move all of my valuable equipment around from one site to another. Generally I would move equipment by hand, however my bunions have been hurting very badly and even moving distances of 1m was challenging. However, I don’t like to let my physical disabilities slow me down, hence my purchasing of the 2010 U.S. military issue LandCrawler4500.
This physcial characteristics and $750,000.00 cost may seem excessive to some, but given the terrain and the threats shouted by indigenous people when I drive through their fields, I feel it is a necessity. The reason I purchased this vehicle was because I was told it was solid steel, but apparently it is a piece of crap. Recently, while travelling through a local village, I took a short cut through a bean crop. Upon reaching the other end of the crop, I noticed that some idiot put their cows where I needed to pass through the gate. This left me in an awful position, as I did not want to let my workers know of my fear of cattle, but I needed to call Ursula urgently to tell her of my new vehicle purchase and there is only one site where I have ideal reception. So basically, I basically made the decision to drive through the gate. I turned on my headlights and honked my horn, figuring the four-legged creatures would know enough to move. Well, some of them scattered but there was one that simply stood in the gate and stared at the vehicle while chewing on some grass. Due to my unfamiliarity with the controls of the LandCrawler4500, I accidently hit the gas and rammed the cow. I immediately got out to look at the damage and saw that the chrome bumper was dented in at a 90 degree angle and my right headlight was out, not to mention that the LandCrawler was now stuck in the loose soil of the field. I immediately took out my vehicle excavation protocol and sent my technicians to work. I, on the other hand, looked briefly for the cow in the front of the vehicle, did not see it, and assumed it made it out better than my LandCrawler. To make a long story short, basically, this incident only deepened my hatred for everything cow. Now, thanks to those fat, dumb creatures, I have to spend $9,000.00 fixing my chrome bumper and headlight that need to be imported from Germany, AND I called Ursula 0.5 hours late . . . and got her voicemail! The only good thing that came out of this is that while the LandCrawler is being repaired, I can take some time to visit Ursula and remove myself from the ignoramus’s I am surrounded by everyday. Now do you understand why I am a vegickentarian?

The most historical thing EVER. (Aside from my own birth)

Basically, I just witnessed the most historical event ever in the history of history. Basically, the aforementioned event was the inauguration of the next earth-saving president, Barack Obama. Obama is awesome because he wants to save the earth. Even though others in my organization told me I should really be out saving the HEWOs, I would not miss this event for the world. And so I booked a first-class ticket to DC for the inauguration. Supporting Obama is supporting saving the earth, so that makes me a first-class earth-saving stud. I did not have a ticket, but some New Zealander holding a sign sold me a scalped ticket right in front of the Lincoln Memorial!! This sounded great, though I ended up being slightly farther back than I anticipated. This experience was even more sweet because I am sure to become famous on TV. I am not sure, but I bet that you can basically see me on TV, since you could see the Lincoln Memorial, and that’s about where I was standing. Except I was also on the back side of the Lincoln Memorial, but I fought my way to the other side so I could sort of see something. I think there were a few people in front of me, but my seats were basically the best you can get.






However, upon returning from aforementioned pilgrimage, I was saddened and shocked to find a massive violation of my personal rights. When I left, I adminished my coworkers not to sit in my research recliner. You see, I, of my own accord, had Mitzi and Juanita haul a shiny new research recliner up the stairs to my 7th floor office. Mitzi was grumbling because I wouldn’t let her use the elevator, but I needed to use the elevator to transport my Zima crate. Anyway, where was I, oh yeah, so I told the worthless unfit-to-be-in-my-presence officemates to keep their grubby paws off the research recliner. I made this perfectly clear by installing a sign on the recliner with a detailed protocol of how one should not sit in the Research Recliner. But I returned to find that SOMEONE HAD BEEN SITTING IN MY RESEARCH RECLINER!!!!! I know this because I had Mateo and Rogelio come in from the field to charge and change the deep-cycle batteries that powered the Covertly Hidden Apparatus that detects Inauthorizable Reclining (CHAIR) cameras. The cameras detected all sorts of inauthorizable activities, such as putting-on of other peoples butts, putting-on of decorative and mocking ornaments, and putting-on of rotting fruit pieces. I am disgusted. I can think of no other reason that someone would do a thing like this other than if they were against my saving the earth. I am going to have to stop giving my co-workers the benefit of reading my work, and carrying my equipment, and washing my car, because they clearly don’t appreciate me.

The Most Importantest Holiday

Basically, Happy Halloween! As you read this post, I’m on my way to visit Ursula in Slovenia. As you may or may not know, I believe that is very important to spend each and every holiday with my Sun-Goddess. Never is it more important than on this most important of important holidays. I know what you’re thinking, what I am going to be for Halloween? Because you basically want to be the same thing because of your intense admiration for me, trust me, I know what you’re thinking because I have had such a profound influence in shaping your mind. If you were to guess that I am going to be Sir Don Bradman like I have each of the past four years, you’re basically wrong. In honour of the World’s greatest musicians to basically ever musicate on the planet, Ursula and I are dressing up as our mutual favourite group: Milli Vanilli.

Ursula is the Fab to my Rob. We basically met at a Halloween party two years ago, as we were basically dancing independently on opposite sides of the dance floor. As you obviously recall from earlier in this post, I was dressed up as Sir Don Bradman (yes, THE Sir Don Bradman). I knew it was meant to be when we locked eyes across the dance floor and I noticed that she was dressed up as Rachael Heyhoe-Flint, obviously the greatest female cricket player of all time. The song that was playing was “Girl You Know It’s True” by, you guessed it, Milli Vanilli. As you may or may not know from your previous readings, our rock-solid relationship is built on a love of three things: saving the Earth, Zima, and Milli Vanilli. With the recent bad news about Zima, all we’ve got left is Earth and Milli Vanilli. So this Halloween, as we continue to wait patiently for another Milli Vanilli album to be released to the World, we will honour Rob and Fab’s contributions to the musicscape of our Earth and this year, when that special song comes on, I may just have a special question for Ursula.

El Pollo Gigante

Basically, the despondency associated with my recent disappointing experience with Zima has led my interventionist to suggest that I focus my efforts on some of my other passions. As you may or may not recall that I’ve mentioned before at various points in time, I have a special love of chicken drumsticks. Due to the overwhelming fear that chicken drumsticks may suffer the same unimaginable fate as my beloved Zima, I have began a conquest to find the world’s largest chicken drumsticks such that I may preserve them for posterity in advance of such an inconceivable demise. Obviously, saving the Earth and the HEWO are my top priorities which is why I’ve basically ordered Mateo and Rogelio to continue my field work while Juanita continues to deal with any press related to my recent feather discovery and the dedication of my statue.

It's Official

Basically, I just wanted to update you, my loyal protégés, on the status of the aforementioned feather. After applying my patented feather microscopy protocol, I was able to confirm that the aforementioned structure was in fact a feather. Further, it is basically undeniably a Helmeted Woodpecker feather. As you may recall from your previous readings, I sent this feather to a museum (that will remain unnamed to basically protect the aforementioned feather from theft or acts of vandalism) in order to have lesser scientists confirm my discovery. I basically received electronic-mail confirmation that they received the HEWO feather and I will paste it below for all to see with my name basically removed to protect myself from various lesser biologists and assorted groupies that may seek me out for my profound insights and knowledge:

“We received the feather. Columba livia”

Obviously, I’m not sure what the second part of the message refers to but it basically appears to be some other language, probably saying something to the effect of “Yes, of course you are correct, it is a Helmeted Woodpecker feather.” Of course, this is great news and validates my feather transect protocol while repudiating the unmeritous approaches of past biologists. Now we will basically move into Phase II of the Feather Super-Protocol (which basically encompasses the sub-protocols related to feathers including but not limited to the aforementioned feather transect and feather microscopy protocols). Sub-phase I of Phase II of the Feather Super-Protocol basically involves implementation of the feather videography protocol (obviously referring to a sub-protocol given the lack of capitalization). Given that the aforementioned videography protocol has two sub-options (alpha and beta), I am basically going to use the more expensive digital option (F.I.ii.b) in which I will obtain higher-quality imagery. Basically, this protocol involves installing sixteen digital video cameras at the sight of feather discovery (the hot zone) in case the aforementioned woodpecker returns to retrieve its feather. It’s only a matter of time before I capture images of the Helmeted Woodpecker, confirming its existence, and thus completing my task of single-handedly saving this magnificent creature from the evil death-grip of civilization.

Statue of Virility

Basically, a couple of days ago my supervisor called pretending to be checking up on me even though I, as you may or may not know, am a superior biologist and our relationship is basically just a formality in which he wants to cash in on my fame and success. One of the things I make him do is manage all of my grant money so at least he can do something useful. Well, it turns out that according to aforementioned “supervisor” I’ve got plenty of money. As you may recall from your previous readings, I work very hard and therefore basically deserve to splurge a little bit instead of just basically spending all of this grant money on my research. Part of my amazing ability to save funds is related to my superhuman efficiency, which as you know is one thing that is helping me single-handedly save the Earth. Because I haven’t had the opportunity to attend a meeting recently in which I would obviously be honoured for my achievements, I decided to use my research funds to commission a statue in my honour. I’ve basically paid a $30,000 deposit to a local Paraguayan artist for the aforementioned statue and ordered Rogelio to translate the message for the aforementioned artist to focus on my altruistic commitment to single-handedly saving the Earth, my superior intellect, my scientific awesomeness, my undeniable charisma and good looks, my superhuman virility, and my astonishing modesty given all of these gifts that I have. I basically can’t wait to see myself immortalized as a statue just as other important scientists have been.

Tensity

As you may or may not know, I’ve basically been away from my blog for a few days and realize that this was disappointing for all of you, my loyal followers. I basically found the “Juanita situation” to be a very stressful experience in which I was basically vindicated. As emotionally draining as it was to potentially basically have Ursula upset with me, to have one of my technicians question my actions, and to write a new protocol on such short notice with so much pressure because the stakes were basically so high, I found that this was a situation that even Zima and chicken drumsticks could not make better. Because I feared that this traumatic situation may jeopardize my research, it was clear that the only solution was to buy Ursula a plane ticket to fly to Paraguay. The past 4 days have basically been a groping frenzy and prior to her departure, Ursula even gave me a grope-on-a-rope as a gift to make me more comfortable with her absence. And get this, Rogelio again had the nerve to question whether buying a plane ticket for Ursula was a wise use of my research funds?!? Are you freaking kidding me?!? Doesn’t he get it??? If she didn’t fly here I would have had to fly there! It basically costs the same amount either way! I’m basically starting to become concerned with Rogelio’s belligerency and fear that he has lost his commitment to helping me single-handedly save the Earth. For now, I think I’ll try writing a new protocol for technicians to agree with everything I say and do, perhaps with a pledge of allegiance. I have no idea why I didn’t just do this in the first place.

Crisis

So basically, after doing what I thought was a very beneficial thing toward helping me single-handedly save the Earth, I’ve discovered that I may have made a huge mistake. During a recent three-hour phone conversation with Ursula, I mentioned that I had hired a personal assistant. Initially, Ursula seemed pleased that I was one step closer to having everyone in the world take orders from me. “What’s his name?” she said, to which I replied “Basically, her name is Juanita.” Little did I know that the aforementioned conversation would descend into a jealousy enraged shouting match. Basically, Ursula pointed out the very important fact that it is physically impossible for women not to find me attractive, with which I could not disagree, and that I am therefore forbidden from hiring female workers. Because I basically thought that Ursula raised a very important point, I decided that I should leave immediately for Slovenia to apologize to Ursula in person.