On cleanliness

As you know, I have a canoe that’s well suited to my importance. Basically, by using my research funds to purchase a $12,000 canoe, I was accepting the fact that I am too important to have anything less. As you may or may not recall from your previous readings, I don’t let my technicians use the aforementioned canoe and I use it once per week when I’m in Paraguay and not Slovenia where, as you may or may not know, my life partner lives. One of the most important parts about having such an amazing canoe is keeping it clean. Basically, one way that I do this is by not letting mere passengers wear shoes while in my remarkable watercraft. Being of superior intellect, I am basically always captain of said watercraft and thus able to wear the appropriate footwear of my choosing. Obviously, you’re basically wondering why technicians are not allowed to don shoes in my canoe.
Well, put down what you’re doing, because I’ve got a story for you! Once upon a time on a Wednesday afternoon on a flooded river in Paraguay, the most spectacular biologist to grace this Earth was quietly canoeing through the haunts of the spectacularly important Helmeted Woodpecker and contemplating how he might go about saving this glorious creature from humanity’s cruel chokehold before it slips into the dark void of extinction. Oh yeah, he also had a technician with him. Anyhow, as they rounded a bend in the aforementioned swollen river, the intrepid biologist noticed something. “What’s that?” he said. “Que?” said the lowly technician. “Is that mud?!” alleged the Earth’s most gifted creature. “Que?” whimpered the subhuman piece of filth. After the heated exchange, and pretending not to understand English, the technician proceeded as if nothing had happened. Understandably, the noble scientist could not accept such insubordination, such vile mutiny, so he basically expunged the aforementioned technician out of the watercraft in which he clearly did not deserve to travel. The valiant biologist courageously continued on his destiny while the technician swam back to his tent. Now here’s the surprise, I’m the biologist in the story and Rogelio is the technician, and this is why I don’t let passengers wear shoes in my canoe. I’m generous to even let them ride in it! So why do I wear shoes in the canoe? Because Mateo just spent two hours giving me a pedicure and I’m not going to jeopardize the condition of my feet, are you freaking kidding me?!? Cleaning my canoe is one of the reasons that I keep technicians around anyway, they should feel privileged to even be near me.

Munificence

As basically one of the most generous people ever, one of the things that I often do for lesser aspirating biologists is borrow their field equipment so that it may be used properly at least once and possibly blessed by the presence of my superior abilities. In fact, these lesser biologists often go out of their way to loan me items for their own self-serving purposes; I pretend not to notice that it’s basically for me to do them a favour and even sometimes say thank you when what I basically mean is, you’re welcome. Because the time that I can devote to my all-important task of saving Earth from humanity is limited, I basically try to make sure that these lesser biologists know how much of a favour I have done for them. Given the aforementioned generosity that I have so kindly described for you, you’ll understand my utter shock and amazement at a recent incident involving a canoe that I borrowed from one of my “colleagues.” As you may or may not know, my research on HEWOs is easily the most important project in existence and, therefore, I should have all of the resources I desire at my disposal. Well, my supervisor suggested that I let my technicians use MY canoe to prevent another incident where an incompetent technician doesn’t adequately follow our flooded-river protocol and ends up drowning. Blah blah liability blah blah right and wrong blah blah. As you may or may not know, I purchased MY canoe with research funds and, in order to have a canoe that meets my high standards, I purchased a top-of-the-line $12,000 canoe, basically a small price to pay for a watercraft that I use at least once a week. So my supervisor wanted to know why the technicians can’t use MY canoe when I’m not using it… are you freaking kidding me?!? Jorge lost his arm floaties, Mateo lost a pencil the other day, and Rogelio couldn’t even find my Zima when I had him ride Jorge’s old bike 20 km to the nearest store; I’m going to let these people use MY canoe?!? Basically, I decided to have them use a canoe that I acquired from one of my “colleagues” and, even though Mateo and Rogelio still needed it, my "colleague" said that I couldn’t keep it indefinitely!!! And, get this, to make it even better, when I returned it, he expected ME to clean it!!! Are you freaking kidding me?!? I didn’t even use it, Mateo and Rogelio did!!! Can you believe the nerve of that son of a bitch?!? Looks like I won’t be doing him any more favours.

Can I only trust myself?

As you may recall from your previous readings, my “technician” Jorge broke his arm when he wrecked his bike taking my laundry to town. Since he basically didn’t get my laundry to town to have it professionally cleaned, I made him hand wash my garments with his good arm, so he basically redeemed himself. Just when you think you can trust someone, especially a lowly technician, they go and basically disappoint you again. As you may or may not know, Paraguay can be a very wet place and, when rainfall is above average, the resultant flooding can make my singlehanded saving of the HEWO that much more difficult. A few days ago while I was sipping on a cold bottle of Zima and getting a pedicure from one of my other technicians, Mateo, I “asked” Jorge to go out into the field and collect some data. Given the water conditions, Jorge basically wanted to know if he could use MY brand new canoe that I hadn’t used yet… Are you freaking kidding me?!? I haven’t even used it yet! How are you going to paddle with a broken arm anyway?!? Basically, what I did tell him he could take was one of the sets of arm floaties that I kindheartedly bought for each of my technicians. Well wouldn’t you know it, Jorge drowned in the river. You’ve disappointed me again Jorge, looks like I won’t serve as a reference for you after all.

Earth Day

As you may or may not know, I'm basically a vegetarian except when in comes to Earth's most delicious resource: chicken drumsticks. Everything I do lessens my impact on the Earth, in fact by staying relatively immobile for long periods of time, I use less oxygen, produce less carbon dioxide, and consume less energy. In order to save our beloved Earth, I long ago made the decision that my only mode of transportation would be bicycle or canoe. In fact, I got to my study site in Paraguay, where as you may or may not know I study Helmeted Woodpeckers in the tropical rainforests, after two months of constant pedaling and paddling. So I suppose you're basically thinking, where do chicken drumsticks fit in to this awesome committment to the Earth's resources? Well, what I didn't mention is that I only eat drumsticks from organically raised and genetically engineered 6-legged chickens. Basically, this means that it takes 3-times fewer chickens to satiate my appetite for chicken flesh. It's hard maintaining my overwhelming committment to the Earth, but basically, you're welcome.