Wake Up Dwight!

Since returning from his brief hiatus, Dwight has basically slept for more than an entire week. Obviously, this is a very selfish act given that I was in need of his therapeutic assistance to mend the deep psychological wounds induced by my recent incarceration.  I’m still not sure what caused all of those scratches on his back, face, and the rest of his body, but I’m basically sure that there’s most likely a reasonable explanation for the aforementioned scratches and abrasions.

In other news, I’ve basically been acquiring apps for my new tablet.  For some reason, even though my tabputer© is vastly superior to all others, including the iPad, as evidenced by the much greater price, I can only purchase apps for my aforementioned tabputer© from the Apple store.  Because the aforementioned Dwight has basically been sleeping and neglecting my needs, I downloaded a therapists app such that I can find a temporary replacement. Unfortunately, this app only informs me about the location of reported serial rapists. It’s from using this app that I’ve learned there’s a serial rapist on the loose in my area of Paraguay. He’s described as a white male, approximately 32 years old, 1.8 meters tall with long brown hair and a tattoo on his right shoulder.  He basically sounds pretty creepy.  I better help my technicians out a lot by warning them about the aforementioned serial rapist such that they won’t get assaulted and have to miss work. You’re welcome, technicians.

Dwight Returns

Basically, I just wanted to let all of you, my loyal followers, know that Dwight has returned safely. As you may or may not recall, Dwight disappeared about a week ago without mentioning anything about where he was going. Obviously, this type of thing happens occasionally when your brother is an in-demand outdoor massage therapist.  For some reason his back was covered with scratches when he returned, presumably because he was proceeding shirtless through a briar patch. I really can't think of any other explanation, and he doesn't talk very much.

As you may or may not be able to imagine, this type of thing happens fairly often after Dwight has to rely on his glass inhaler.  I'm not sure if it's the pollen count here in Paraguay or what that's basically making his asthma act up, but he's been using that thing more than usual since he got here. Obviously, the oxygen deficiency caused by this medical condition must cause him to do things that are out of character. I'm basically just glad he's back safely and am sure you're quite relieved as well. Now Dwight can basically help get me back on track to recovering from the deep wounds of my recent incarceration.

Have you no dignity Carl?

Well, I basically found Carl. As you may or may not recall, the aforementioned Carl was basically singlehandedly responsible for me spending a year in prison. I’ve been working through my anger at Carl with the help of a therapist, and he made me promise not to talk about Carl anymore such that I may begin the healing process.  Since this aforementioned therapist basically disappeared and has not been seen for the past four days, I have not been able to resist the temptation to mobilize my technicians with a new protocol called “Operation Find Carl.”  I have unveiled this new protocol without yet coming up with a proper acronym, but I assure you that one of the technicians has been assigned to the task of creating an acronym for the aforementioned protocol such that I can communicate about the operation more effectively and concisely without using too many unnecessary words.  I don’t like to brag, but being concise is basically one of my greatest gifts. Anyhow, Carl is working as a costume model in Japan, undoubtedly because of my refusal to give him a positive recommendation in his chosen field. 

Dressing up like a squirrel Carl? Seriously? Those testes don't even look biologically accurate.  Don't you have any dignity?  Now that I know where he is, I can send a team to apprehend him as soon as I come up with an appropriately detailed protocol to accomplish this incredibly important task. 

Man hands

Upon my return, there are basically numerous questions that have been addressed to me. Let me begin to answer some of these such that you may attain a better understanding and cease to waste my time with idiotic questions. First of all, is Dwight a therapist or “the rapist”? That’s offensive. He was never convicted, and that bitch was a liar. Dwight is basically a licensed massage therapist, he specializes in outdoor massages and, because of the court order, exclusively male rather than female clients. He has very soothing hands and his presence has basically facilitated my healing process. For some reason that I basically cannot understand, his business has been stalling back home, but I’m confident that Paraguay will offer him a wealth of new opportunities.