Apprehendification

There basically appears to be some questions related to the circumstances under which I reenrolled in a Paraguayan prison after the period of time that I had decided to take a break from the aforementioned prison. As you may or may not recall, but likely do recall, the reason that I decided to go to prison in the first place was related to my former technician, Carl, and his twisting of “facts” related to “trafficking” monkey parts.  If you’re looking for a good volunteer, even one that is basically willing to pay to volunteer as part of your Earth saving operation, do not hire Carl.  He may or may not get you arrested if you happen to be a fugitive from “justice.”

You undoubtedly may or may not also recall that during my brief incarcerational recess, I enlisted the support of my therapist Dwight, who basically also happened to be my brother.  Dwight was basically exhibiting erratic behavior at a time when there was a serial rapist on the loose.  Some had basically suggested that rather than a therapist, perhaps Dwight was the rapist. 

Well, I basically mentioned that Dwight had been giving therapy to law enforcement officials.  Basically, Dwight lied to me. The aforementioned law enforcement personnel suspected Dwight of being the serial rapist!! Are you freaking kidding me?!?!  They seemed to think that his hiatuses basically coincided with sexual assaults, and that his glass inhaler wasn’t for medicine, and the scratches covering his entire body were suspicious, and the DNA evidence left at several “crime scenes” somehow “implicated” Dwight…  Long story less long than it could be told if fully explained, there was basically a big raid whereupon the Paraguayan government unleashed a task force such that they could apprehend us and that resulted in the arrest of both the aforementioned Dwight and, given that I had some type of “warrant” for unauthorized leaving of prison, myself as well. 

I basically tried to explain my important work saving the Helmeted Woodpecker from Man’s evil deathgrip of destructive mayhem.  They didn’t care!! Are you freaking kidding me?!?!  They didn’t even care that they were basically jeopardizing the potential existence of the Helmeted Woodpecker, possibly even threatening it with extinction.  I know you were responsible Carl, and although I will answer factual questions related to your past employment if asked, as I may or may not be bound by law, I will NEVER give you a glowing recommendation.  

The Shiv or the Shank?

Dwight has finally basically awakened, but he has basically been less than forthcoming about where he was or how he got all of the various scratches and abrasions about his body.  After he finally woke up, we basically immediately got back to my therapy.  After a few hours with the aforementioned Dwight and a few bottles of my precious limited supply of Zima, I basically realized that I need to communicate my prison experience to my loyal followers such that I can heal and such that I can provide inspiration to those of you that may or may not spend time in prison at some point in the future for some unforeseen reason.  Basically, the first thing I did when I learned I was going to prison was devote all of the time of my technicians to studying what I needed to do to survive my unfortunate and unfair banishment.  As you may or may not know, there are basically some good books out there on this topic.

There are basically a few basic rules to surviving your prison stay: rule number 1, get yourself a good shiv. Rule number 2, show the other prison people that you mean business. I normally basically don’t want anything to do with business because of the evil destructive practices employed by business in destroying Earth’s precious resources, but this was about survival. Not just any survival, my survival, and therefore Earth’s survival. One such way that one may show that one means business to others such that they establish dominance is through using the aforementioned shiv for shanking a fellow inmate. Basically, shivs can be made from lots of different materials but, interestingly, there really aren’t places where you can buy these so you generally have to make them yourself or buy them from other prison tenants using cigarettes or favors.  So I basically went to prison with a plan, but with lots of unanswered questions about how to get the aforementioned shiv...

Wake Up Dwight!

Since returning from his brief hiatus, Dwight has basically slept for more than an entire week. Obviously, this is a very selfish act given that I was in need of his therapeutic assistance to mend the deep psychological wounds induced by my recent incarceration.  I’m still not sure what caused all of those scratches on his back, face, and the rest of his body, but I’m basically sure that there’s most likely a reasonable explanation for the aforementioned scratches and abrasions.

In other news, I’ve basically been acquiring apps for my new tablet.  For some reason, even though my tabputer© is vastly superior to all others, including the iPad, as evidenced by the much greater price, I can only purchase apps for my aforementioned tabputer© from the Apple store.  Because the aforementioned Dwight has basically been sleeping and neglecting my needs, I downloaded a therapists app such that I can find a temporary replacement. Unfortunately, this app only informs me about the location of reported serial rapists. It’s from using this app that I’ve learned there’s a serial rapist on the loose in my area of Paraguay. He’s described as a white male, approximately 32 years old, 1.8 meters tall with long brown hair and a tattoo on his right shoulder.  He basically sounds pretty creepy.  I better help my technicians out a lot by warning them about the aforementioned serial rapist such that they won’t get assaulted and have to miss work. You’re welcome, technicians.