One more reason I am a vegickentarian!

Basically for those of you that are not intimate with the ideals of the WGB, I am what I term a vegickentarian; one who eats only vegetables and chicken, particularly chicken legs. The reasons for my choosing such a diet are complex and are many. The most notable up until this past week was the killing of my uncle Ernesto. Years ago as a child, I witnessed one of the most horrible events in my life. My uncle delivered a calf on the family farm. He slowly walked up to the calf, as he had done to countless others, and began to try and feed it milk through a bottle. Once uncle Ernest bent over to slip the nipple into the calf’s mouth, it bit him in the neck, basically decapitating him. The calf quickly turned on me and tried to bite my leg, but luckily it only bit my cargo shorts and my Captain Planet underpants before I knocked it out by pistol whipping it. Sadly, my uncle did not make it, and being witness to the whole thing left me scarred for life. It was from that day forward that I vowed to never trust any cow, including the meat that is taken from them.
I recently returned to the field to conduct my ground breaking research on the elusive HEWO. Because this research is so important to the health of our planet I had no problem acquiring some very large grants to carry out the aforementioned stuff. Basically, aside from hiring a new technician solely for massaging the bunions on my sore feet and getting me Zima 24/7, I purchased a new field vehicle to move all of my valuable equipment around from one site to another. Generally I would move equipment by hand, however my bunions have been hurting very badly and even moving distances of 1m was challenging. However, I don’t like to let my physical disabilities slow me down, hence my purchasing of the 2010 U.S. military issue LandCrawler4500.
This physcial characteristics and $750,000.00 cost may seem excessive to some, but given the terrain and the threats shouted by indigenous people when I drive through their fields, I feel it is a necessity. The reason I purchased this vehicle was because I was told it was solid steel, but apparently it is a piece of crap. Recently, while travelling through a local village, I took a short cut through a bean crop. Upon reaching the other end of the crop, I noticed that some idiot put their cows where I needed to pass through the gate. This left me in an awful position, as I did not want to let my workers know of my fear of cattle, but I needed to call Ursula urgently to tell her of my new vehicle purchase and there is only one site where I have ideal reception. So basically, I basically made the decision to drive through the gate. I turned on my headlights and honked my horn, figuring the four-legged creatures would know enough to move. Well, some of them scattered but there was one that simply stood in the gate and stared at the vehicle while chewing on some grass. Due to my unfamiliarity with the controls of the LandCrawler4500, I accidently hit the gas and rammed the cow. I immediately got out to look at the damage and saw that the chrome bumper was dented in at a 90 degree angle and my right headlight was out, not to mention that the LandCrawler was now stuck in the loose soil of the field. I immediately took out my vehicle excavation protocol and sent my technicians to work. I, on the other hand, looked briefly for the cow in the front of the vehicle, did not see it, and assumed it made it out better than my LandCrawler. To make a long story short, basically, this incident only deepened my hatred for everything cow. Now, thanks to those fat, dumb creatures, I have to spend $9,000.00 fixing my chrome bumper and headlight that need to be imported from Germany, AND I called Ursula 0.5 hours late . . . and got her voicemail! The only good thing that came out of this is that while the LandCrawler is being repaired, I can take some time to visit Ursula and remove myself from the ignoramus’s I am surrounded by everyday. Now do you understand why I am a vegickentarian?

Excavation protocols

As you may or may not know, my inept technicians basically got the land rover stuck. Therewith, we must excavate the landrover in the most effortant and speedacious manner possible. I have created a laminated schematic which details aformentioned excavatiousition protocol. It's really self explanatory. As you can see, instead of the dodecahedron, I decided to add several more facets to the shape.This way, the aformentioned excavatiousition will proceed equally on all sides of the landrover and prevent a cave-in. And let me tell you, as someone who routinely needs to dig stuff out that I've gotten stuck, basically, not to brag, but I'm pretty good at preventing cave-ins. It's just an intuitive sense I have. People have tried to tell me that this is overly complicated, but they don't know how hard you have to work to prevent cave-ins. And I definitely do. So, looking at my schematic, you want to dig along the lines east and north of the blue sides on tuesdays, thursdays, and anytime after 6 PM. But on mondays, fridays, sundays, sundays, and saturdays, you want to dig perpendicularly to the red, chartreuse and salmon-colored sectors, unless it's raining. The green section will need to be dug with the floral-patterned trowels, and only while wearing officially-sanctioned digging headwear and underpants. It's basically very easy. But I'm sure my technicans will somehow screw it up.

Mud

My studs and studettes, I have bad news. My personal 2-wheel drive land rover has basically succumbed to the quicksand, at least for now. Let me regale you with news of its passing, which, as you may or may not know, involves the incompetent parade of nitwits that pass for my technicians.

I was basically out driving across my neighbor's farm field with my land rover. I know my land rover does not save the earth as much as walking or taking my $12,000 canoe, but I had a mighty thirst for Zima that day, and we simply could not carry the Zima and field supplies and my emergency duffel of loofahs (for when I get mud on my face). So we set out for the field in the dead of night. We have to travel in the dead of night because I promised my neighbors I wouldn't tear up their farm fields. Ha! I don't think they've caught on yet. (It's been really windy though, and rocks keep falling from the cliff and breaking the windows of my land rover. Rogelio suggested the neighbors might not like me driving through their only patch of land that they use for their subsistence farming, and perhaps are throwing rocks at my two-wheel-drive land rover while I am not looking. However, not to brag or anything, but I have a B.S. in rockology, and I know that sometimes rocks fall from the cliff by my house.) But I digress. So we tore through the neighbor's pathetic little farm, when we got to a muddy spot. I made Mateo take off all his clothes and lay them in front of the land rover so that the tires didn't get dirty, and we drove across that one. But then there was another muddy spot that came up. Mateo suggested we turn around because it looked deep, but he's a pansy little girl like that. I said just to gun it and cranked up the Milli Vanilli and rocked out in the passenger seat. He must have gunned it wrong though, because we suddenly found ourselves in 5 feet of mud and sinking. Stupid Mateo, it was all his fault, that's the last time I let him drive. You can imagine my horror, because the land rover was basically incredibly muddy and relatively underwater. I am sure we will dig it out though, I have diverted my technicians to spend the next week digging for the land rover. I got them new hand trowels so that they do not scratch the land rover by digging too much at once, and have designed a special protocol, which directs the digging perpendicularly around the lines of a dodecahedron. It is sure to work.