Apprehendification

There basically appears to be some questions related to the circumstances under which I reenrolled in a Paraguayan prison after the period of time that I had decided to take a break from the aforementioned prison. As you may or may not recall, but likely do recall, the reason that I decided to go to prison in the first place was related to my former technician, Carl, and his twisting of “facts” related to “trafficking” monkey parts.  If you’re looking for a good volunteer, even one that is basically willing to pay to volunteer as part of your Earth saving operation, do not hire Carl.  He may or may not get you arrested if you happen to be a fugitive from “justice.”

You undoubtedly may or may not also recall that during my brief incarcerational recess, I enlisted the support of my therapist Dwight, who basically also happened to be my brother.  Dwight was basically exhibiting erratic behavior at a time when there was a serial rapist on the loose.  Some had basically suggested that rather than a therapist, perhaps Dwight was the rapist. 

Well, I basically mentioned that Dwight had been giving therapy to law enforcement officials.  Basically, Dwight lied to me. The aforementioned law enforcement personnel suspected Dwight of being the serial rapist!! Are you freaking kidding me?!?!  They seemed to think that his hiatuses basically coincided with sexual assaults, and that his glass inhaler wasn’t for medicine, and the scratches covering his entire body were suspicious, and the DNA evidence left at several “crime scenes” somehow “implicated” Dwight…  Long story less long than it could be told if fully explained, there was basically a big raid whereupon the Paraguayan government unleashed a task force such that they could apprehend us and that resulted in the arrest of both the aforementioned Dwight and, given that I had some type of “warrant” for unauthorized leaving of prison, myself as well. 

I basically tried to explain my important work saving the Helmeted Woodpecker from Man’s evil deathgrip of destructive mayhem.  They didn’t care!! Are you freaking kidding me?!?!  They didn’t even care that they were basically jeopardizing the potential existence of the Helmeted Woodpecker, possibly even threatening it with extinction.  I know you were responsible Carl, and although I will answer factual questions related to your past employment if asked, as I may or may not be bound by law, I will NEVER give you a glowing recommendation.  

Clarifyation

Undoubtedly, you, my loyal followers, may have many questions about my absence and triumphant return.  This aforementioned statement may be proved by the recent comment elicited by my previous post.  Did I escape from prison?  This time, they let me out.  In fact, they basically begged me to leave for some reason.  Last time, as you may or may not recall, I declared that I left when I felt like I had more important things to do.  Some people may or may not refer to that as “escaping.”  Potato, tomato.  Did I mention that my prior incarceration was unjust?  That it was driven primarily by the misinformation of my former technician Carl, who will basically never receive a favourable recommendation from me for future employment thus destroying his intentions of future biological occupations?  That I really did have more important things to do??  Did I mention that my supposed “lawyer”, Martin Almada, basically refused to properly represent my innocence on the technicality that I “partes de mono vendidos”???  ¿Me estás tomando el pelo?!!!

I basically intend to clear my name and resume my important Earth-saving activities.  It’s basically unfortunate that, as I sit here in this internet café catching up on what it is that I may or may not have missed during my aforementioned hiatus based on a disastrous misunderstanding of my conservation-oriented activities despite continued insistence among staff of the aforementioned internet café that I leave because I am not a paying customer, almost all of my supposedly loyal, but apparently worthless, technicians have abandoned me.  I know that you, my loyal followers, would never do that.  Right now, I’m currently working out a protocol for returning to my field site. I know you’ll be anxiously awaiting the aforementioned return.

Carl's Re-Re-Discovery

It has basically been a rough couple of weeks. As you may or may not be able to tell based on my increased focus on Carl, Dwight has basically more or less undoubtedly disappeared again.  However, this may basically be a fortunate, if not fateful, coincidence, perhaps even destiny, and lucky destiny at that.  Were it not for the aforementioned disappearance I basically wouldn’t have fortuitously rediscovered Carl.  I basically singlehandedly made this important discovery earlier this week when Mateo informed me that I should watch the U.S. Presidential Debate as there was someone in the audience that basically “looked like” Carl. 

I basically singlehandedly confirmed that the squirrel-suited Asian man in the audience at the aforementioned debate was in fact Carl.  While it’s basically common knowledge that many Asians look the same, and that many of them wear squirrel costumes, I have no doubt that this was Carl.  Obviously, my refusal to provide him with a positive recommendation has led to his continued employment as an audience member at various U.S. political events.  Rather than immediately reinvoking the AIDS protocol, I decided to wait.  We will basically spring our trap at the third, and final, 2012 U.S. Presidential Debate.  It’s time to pay for your crimes against Earth, Carl.

Seriously Carl? Seriously?

As you may or may not recall, Carl, my former technician that was basically singlehandedly responsible for my unfair and heretofore unprecedented incarceration, has basically been on the run for a few months, if not weeks.  We recently discovered Carl hiding in the U.S. where he was hired as a token Asian at the Republican National Convention, but he escaped before our apprehension team could properly implement our newly laminated AIDS protocol.  Well now, Carl is basically trying to kill me.

A monkey assassin?!?  Are you freaking kidding me?!?!  That’s great Carl, you know damned well that I’ve involuntarily emptied my bladder at the sight of firearms ever since “the incident” and that your gun-toting gibbon would never get past my security detail and intricate system of metal detectors that were put in place specifically to prevent the aforementioned involuntary urination.  We’re done playing games Carl, we will track you down and I will never give you a good recommendation.  

Legal Misrepresentation

As you may or may not know, I basically did nothing wrong to deserve my incarcerational time in prison. One of you, my loyal fans, basically inquired as to what the official criminal accusations levied against me were such that you would know them.  And did I hire a lawyer?  Are you freaking kidding me?!?  Of course I hired a freaking lawyer, I hired the best freaking lawyer in Paraguay!!!  Did he get me acquitted of the crimes against me, and therefore, against the Earth and all of humanity? NO!!!  Did I start logging the pristine forest around our new headquarters to pay your fees, Martin Almada, and I still went to prison?!? YES!!!

What kind of freaking charge is bushmeat trafficking anyway?!?  Are you freaking kidding me?!?  Bushes don’t even have meat!!  If they did, they'd basically make me sick to my stomach.

Exhibit A:

I should have basically just represented myself such that I could have not went to prison.  I'm not bragging, but I'm basically pretty sure that I would be a pretty good lawyer.  This is all ultimately basically Carl’s fault, but you’re to blame too Martin. Thanks for nothing.  

Found!

I basically wish that Dwight would wake up. As you may or may not know, he’s been sleeping since returning from his brief hiatus, likely because his asthma led him to become very tired such that he descended into a deep sleep.  Without Dwight’s help, I’ve not been able to resist the insatiable desire to seek revenge for the wrong that Carl has done to me. I have it on the great authority of a confidential informant that Carl is in los Estados Unidos de América.  Despite being an illegal immigrant, Carl was basically hired to be the token Asian at the recent Republican National Convention in Tampa, Florida. 

Now that Operation Find Carl has been successful and we’ve found him, it’s time to deploy all of my technicians to the aforementioned Florida such that AIDS may be properly unleashed. You may have found work as a costume model, and as a token Asian, but I WILL NOT GIVE YOU A GOOD RECOMMENDATION!  We’ve got you Carl, it’s time to pay for your unforgivable deeds. 

I have AIDS!

Well, after basically devoting all of my resources to coming up with a new protocol, and more importantly, an acronym for the aforementioned protocol, I’ve done it. I’m obviously proud to announce the launching of Apprehending Ignominious and Deceptive Squealer, or AIDS.  This may be among my best protocols yet. Carl, we’re on to you, and it’s just a matter of time. Save yourself the embarrassment and just turn yourself in.

Have you no dignity Carl?

Well, I basically found Carl. As you may or may not recall, the aforementioned Carl was basically singlehandedly responsible for me spending a year in prison. I’ve been working through my anger at Carl with the help of a therapist, and he made me promise not to talk about Carl anymore such that I may begin the healing process.  Since this aforementioned therapist basically disappeared and has not been seen for the past four days, I have not been able to resist the temptation to mobilize my technicians with a new protocol called “Operation Find Carl.”  I have unveiled this new protocol without yet coming up with a proper acronym, but I assure you that one of the technicians has been assigned to the task of creating an acronym for the aforementioned protocol such that I can communicate about the operation more effectively and concisely without using too many unnecessary words.  I don’t like to brag, but being concise is basically one of my greatest gifts. Anyhow, Carl is working as a costume model in Japan, undoubtedly because of my refusal to give him a positive recommendation in his chosen field. 

Dressing up like a squirrel Carl? Seriously? Those testes don't even look biologically accurate.  Don't you have any dignity?  Now that I know where he is, I can send a team to apprehend him as soon as I come up with an appropriately detailed protocol to accomplish this incredibly important task. 

First impressions of prison

Was prison an uncomfortable experience? Are you freaking kidding me?!? Do they have chicken drumsticks in prison? Fruit-scented shampoos? Zima?  NO!!!  Can you have technicians in prison?  NO!!!  Laminating machines for your protocols? HELL NO!!! They feed you meat on a regular basis which, as you may or may not recall, makes me sick to my stomach.  I now have irritable bowel syndrome and fecal incontinence problems for reasons that I’m basically not yet ready to go into.  Yes prison was an uncomfortable experience, Carl, I know you’re the one asking such a stupid question. 

Was prison all bad?  Actually, it wasn’t. I was encouraged to find my cellmate was quite fond of me, undoubtedly he was aware of my acclaimed work saving the Helmeted Woodpecker from man’s destructive deathgrip.  Unfortunately, my aforementioned cellmate, Hector, was also quite fond of showing me his Helmeted Woodpecker. 

I’m not ready to go into more details, but with the help of my new therapist, I’m confident that I’ll be able to assail you with the excruciatingly painful and unnecessarily detailed details in the near but not too distant future.  Let’s just say that I basically found ways to get around some of the unnecessarily harsh rules of prison and to continue my efforts to singlehandedly save Earth and all of its majestic creatures.  Prison made me stronger. Now I’m unstoppable.

Why Carl? Why?

Carl, I know you’re out there and I know you’re reading this. You made a huge mistake, and you don’t know who you’re messing with. I don’t know how you could do this to me Carl, do you have any idea what you’ve done to my Earth saving operation?  I thought we were a team.  I’ll never forgive you Carl, and you can't come back, it's too late and you've done too much damage.  I haven’t had any calls yet from prospective employers, but I’m a pretty big deal and I WILL NOT GIVE YOU A GOOD RECOMMENDATION!  I’ll track you down Carl.  I’m watching you.

Healing

Realizing that the past year has basically been a traumatic experience for me, I’ve enlisted the assistance of a professional to help me heal my psychological wounds such that I can resume effortlessly producing the best science on the planet. I’ve invited my brother, Dwight, who is basically a licensed therapist, to join me in Paraguay.

 Obviously, getting past my intense hatred for Carl is the major obstacle we have confronted thus far such that I may resume my Earth-saving activities. I basically did nothing wrong, but Carl betrayed me, proving that he is not a valuable technician. I gave him simple instructions in the form of three perfectly laminated 18-page protocols, and what did he give me?  Prison, that’s what he gave me. But Dwight has helped me realize that I need to get past this, so even though I will not give him a good recommendation, you will hear no more about Carl.

Betrayal

First of all, my sincerest apologies for leaving you in a time of great need. I understand that you have basically been checking for new posts each hour for the past year, but due to circumstances beyond my control I have been unable to provide you with my inspirational leadership. As you likely undoubtedly recall, I left you during the pinnacle of my Earth-saving operation, around the time of my historic near-simultaneous implementation of two protocols, PORN (Procurement Of Rapacious Night-monkeys) and POOP (Procurement Of Owl-monkey Parts) which, through what I like to refer to as “international trade”, were intended to finance the search process outlined in the heralded HERPIES protocol. Well, what I refer to as “international trade” is referred to by some as “illegal trafficking of wildlife parts.” They were basically splitting hairs, but to make a long story short I spent a year in a Paraguayan prison. I had trusted Carl to help implement these protocols, but alas he basically betrayed me. Looks like Carl won’t be getting a good recommendation. If anyone is looking for a field technician, don’t hire Carl, he may or may not get you put in prison.

 As you may or may not know, the Earth persisted during my hiatus, undoubtedly obviously the result of the many efforts that I have previously put in place in the past. Most importantly and obviously the result of my pioneering efforts in monkey control, the Helmeted Woodpecker most likely persists. You’re welcome.  As I will basically detail in upcoming updates, a lot has happened in the past year. Being in prison basically renewed my commitment to Earth saving, and HERPIES has a whole new meaning to me. Carl’s insane jealousy and desire to hijack my Earth-saving operation has slowed us down, but I’m back and will continue to single-handedly prevent Earth’s needless destruction. 

An Ingenious Plan

My selfless quest to save the Helmeted Woodpecker from certain destruction at the hands of out-of-control monkeys is progressing nicely. I realize that my previous order to kill all monkeys may have gone a bit overboard. Basically, to more-or-less narrow things down significantly, I’m proud to announce the announcement of a new and freshly laminated protocol: Procurement Of Owl-monkey Parts (POOP). Obviously, this is largely, if not entirely, based on Samuel’s description of his friend’s description of the monkey observed possibly robbing a woodpecker nest of its precious and irreplaceable contents.

For logistical reasons, I’ve placed the success of the aforementioned protocols in the soft and able hands of my technician Carl. Basically, as you may or may not recall, Carl came to this country from China and brought numerous members of his podiatrically inclined family. As you may or may not basically realize from the name of said protocol, it involves capturing and dispatching of Owl-monkeys, then basically inserting testicles, gall bladders, and other assorted valuable body parts into condoms or balloons and ingesting aforementioned condoms or balloons prior to departure for China. For those that don’t die from unfortunate intestinal blockages, the proceeds from the sale of aforementioned monkey parts will be used to fund the interview process associated with my newly laminated HERPIES protocol. An opportunity to simultaneously save the Helmeted Woodpecker and contribute to overall Earth-saving is rare, but it’s probably not surprising that I’ve thought of it.

The Adventures of Carl . . . My New Technician

Basically, as many of you probably recall from the majority of my previous posts, Ursula and I speak on the phone an average of 28.8 times per day, which equates to about twice for every hour I am awake. I typically have had to carry two cell phones myself in addition to making my technicians carry one each so if something happened to a phone or one of my technicians carrying a phone, I would have numerous backups. The usefulness of this backup technique has been proven in recent weeks, as my technicians keep losing the phones through field “accidents”. It is as if they never realized that trying to traverse a wet, rock-covered 60 degree slope may result in them falling down! Even when I shout directions to them from the foot of the hill, they tend not to listen and ultimately slide back to the bottom, losing the phone on the way down. So, in an attempt to solve these aforementioned issues, I simply moved my field site to an area where the HEWOs inhabit areas with more roads.

The first thing I did was apply for the largest grant I could, and of course all I had to explain was how I was single-handedly saving the planet. Of course my reputation preceded me and they basically doubled the money they were giving away. So, I basically improved all of my equipment by throwing it out and buying all new stuff. I also purchased a new, “international” technician from somewhere in Asia; Wong Fu Xing, or as I call him Carl, as I cannot figure out what part of his name is the first part. So, after outfitting my project with some new rigs, radio and communication equipment, and Carl, I was ready to begin developing protocols to determine the best service locations for calling Ursula. The largest hill in the area seemed ideal and I sent Carl up there to test his field abilities and my new radio equipment.



Unfortunately, basically Carl could not understand what the protocol described but failed to tell me in a language I could understand, so I pointed to the hill and put the radio to my head to indicate what I wanted. Carl shook his head and I assumed he knew what I was telling him. So, I took the time to grab a Zima and get my bunions massaged by my new Martha Stewart Self-Bunionator. Basically, just after I dipped my toes into the warm bubbly water, Carl came into my field house covered in dirt and panting. Basically I was telling him I didn’t know what he was saying when I saw the unthinkable . . . my brand new field truck hanging from a cliff, held in place only by my new field boat. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!?!?

Luckily, the truck was not my new LandCrawler4500. I was so angry, the first thing I did was call Ursula to seek her advice. I could barely say her name, as I was crying so much because my bunions hurt. I was prepared to ship Carl back to the Orient, but my sun goddess convinced me to give him another try. So, I first made him get back into the truck dangling from the cliff so when they towed it back onto the road he would be able to drive it back down. He did, however, lose his vehicular privileges and I made him carry the 105 lb backpack radio I recently bought from a military surplus store to the top of the hill.

Basically, its true range, although unknown by mortal men, has been estimated to be hundreds of miles, so I assumed I would be able to reach Ursula and not have to pay for “minutes” allotted by cell phone companies. Six hours after Carl left for the top of the hill he returned, stumbled into my field house all sweaty and pale and started speaking in languages I couldn’t understand. So I basically handed him my newly developed protocol discussing the proper way to explain to me situations that arise in the field and instructed him to go outside and read it, as he was laying half way out of the door letting the cool air out of the field house. Basically, Carl came back into the house 5 minutes later and pointed to the very old, rotted cable that attached the phone to the backpack radio. Apparently, the store I bought the radio from did not perform any equipment checks and I was thus under the impression that the radio worked. Exhausted and frustrated, I immediately ordered a brand new Hummer with an XF3 satellite dish attached to its roof.

From now on, I will just have to drive to the top of the hill to call Ursula. Luckily, for a measly $10,000 I was able to specially order a second Martha Stewart Self-Bunionator to be installed in the back of the Hummer, so while I talk to Ursula I can soak my feet. I’m also considering sending Carl to become trained in foot massages, as he doesn’t seem good for much else.