The Tzar

Greetings loyal readers,


Today, I shall basically impress upon you the importance of learning from ones wiser than you. Although basically this means me, there is one other who is a font of great wisdom: Tzar Pickfit.


Tzar Pickfit is a high-caliber ornithologists. If you meet a high-caliber ornithologists, you may not feel comfortable meeting with him intimately due to the overly large brain ratio between someone like him (and me) compared to someone like you, but he may or may not benefit you or cause you to think thoughts you may not previously have thought that you would think about. It is possible that such a meeting may in fact benefit you, and I am merely explaining this to you, since you may or may not have known this on your own. Even though your own work is probably without merit, you have much to learn from those who are wiser than you.


Tzar Pickfit is coming to my place of work, and I am making this post so that we all are able to coordinate the scheduling for his visit and schedule face-to-face time for intimate meetings. You see, we do not want to offend or anger him with our disorganization, so we must create a schedule, and laminate aforementioned schedule for maximal efficitude.


Involving the times of the signing up, there are, 6, blocks of time, a block being defined as a time slot in which the meeting between you and Pick may proceed. There are 5 slots between the blocks, slots defined as spaces that are not the blocks. This will all be available on the laminated brochure that I made with the laminating machine. The blocks start at 9:00, 10:00, 11:01, 12:29, 1:59 and 2:30. The slots start at 9:45, 10:35, 11:45, 1:30, 2:01, and 3:00. I propose eliminating the 12:29 block so Pick may dine, and eliminating the 2:01 slot, because a 2-minute-meeting is a short meeting, but, verily, a good amount of time for which to microwave leftover drumsticks. Please write me if none of this makes any sense. Confused yet?


You probably are confused, and so I have hired Juanita’s friend, Mitzi, to help with scheduling, laminating, and implement the protocols that drive the scheduling. We will see, Mitzi, if you can handle this important task.

Proper Field Attire

Basically, since through my astute powers of observation I discovered that Juanita is actually a man, I now have some new options for saving the HEWO. As you may or may not know, the field is no place for a woman. Basically, it is for this reason that I hired Juanita as a personal assistant and would never have considered sending her out into the field. Well, things basically change and a great biologist and field commander such as myself has to adapt to this changing workscape. Given the new priority of ensuring that my new statue adequately portrays my masculinity and importance, I basically decided to re-assign Rogelio to supervising the sculptor of the aforementioned statue. Therefore, I decided to send Juanita out into the field with Mateo to collect my data. Although this requires much sacrifice on my part, I am basically willing to dial my satellite phone, sharpen my protocol-writing pencils, get my own Zima, clean my loofahs, and maintain the protocol laminator myself for a few days while we await my statue, to take one for the team so to speak. Basically, for Juanita to work in the field, “her” usual attire of miniskirt and fishnet stockings are basically not going to be appropriate, so I ordered Rogelio to inform Juanita of what would be considered suitable for field conditions. Because I’m basically not awake when the technicians leave for the field in the morning, I did not see the aforementioned attire when Juanita left for the first day in the field. You can basically imagine my surprise at the end of the next day when Juanita and Mateo returned and Juanita was wearing assless chaps! Are you freaking kidding me?!? Juanita was sitting in MY swan boat wearing assless chaps?!? Mateo described this as a problem of translation between myself, Juanita, and Rogelio. Basically, I’m not so sure about this and am starting to question Rogelio’s commitment to the project. Once this statue is done, I may have to make some tough decisions.

Personal Assistant

Basically, I’ve made a very important decision and want to share the aforementioned decision with you, my loyal protégés. As you may recall from your previous readings and the fact that my actions and my blog are basically probably among the most important things in your life since you don’t have anything as important happening in your life certainly not as important as single-handedly saving the Earth, I currently have two “people” that serve me: Mateo and Rogelio. As you can probably imagine, it’s hard to accomplish the important tasks in which I endeavor to involve myself when my technicians are out in the field collecting my data. What do I do when I’m talking to other, yet lesser, scientists on my satellite phone and I run out of Zima? In the past, I’ve found that the pager system that I had implemented whereby Mateo or Rogelio would return to fetch my beverage have been ineffective to say the least. Similarly, when Mateo and Rogelio are excavating my Land Rover, by definition neither of them are available to shade me with a parasol as I supervise the aforementioned excavation. For these reasons, I’ve decided to hire a personal assistant to have the privilege of taking care of these tasks. Basically, I was considering giving someone this opportunity recently when I was in town buying chicken drumsticks and I happened to encounter a young lady on the street who was apparently seeking employment. Although Juanita does not speak any English, I basically showed her a few guaranies, which as you probably do not know is basically a type of money used in Paraguay, and she was willing to come with me, probably because she has heard of my amazing intellect and biological field skills. Over the past few days, I’ve basically been able to order Mateo and Rogelio to teach Juanita the valuable skills and English words that she’ll need to help me save the planet. In addition to fetching Zima, dialing my satellite phone, and holding my parasol, Juanita’s main duties include sharpening my protocol-writing pencils, maintaining the lamination machine for aforementioned protocols, washing my loofahs with successively smaller loofahs, and polishing the hand trowels.