I have HERPIES...

Even though nobody has specifically asked about my new protocol for replacing my Earth-saving life partner, I’m sure that you’ve been wondering and I thought I may provide some explanation such that you may understand. The HERPIES protocol basically involves a very detailed list of suitable criteria for aforementioned personnel such that the replaced person(s) may fulfill the necessary duties in an adequate and appropriate yet worthwhile way for numerous years, potentially possibly more-or-less indefinitely. Explaining the entire protocol in detail is likely futile, as you basically likely aren’t capable of fully understanding. Nonetheless, I feel obligated to try to dumb it down for you such that you may grasp its importance. Obviously, admiring me and my brazen quest for saving Earth from man’s ungentle donkey punch of destruction is first and foremost on the aforementioned list. A second but possibly equally important qualification is that all people of eastern European descent are automatically disqualified from further consideration. The above aforementioned criteria, along with a strong preference for hirsutism, are basically the guiding principles for HERPIES, and I’m looking forward to Mitzi narrowing the sure-to-be extensive applicant pool in the not-too-distant yet close-to-immediate future. The protocol is laminated, and it’s time to begin. Wish me luck. Basically, Earth’s future hangs in the balance.

Is this all I’m worth?

As expected, Ursula and her parents couldn’t live without having me join their family tree. Perhaps because of my amazing skills and intellect, or because they’d like to increase the probability of purging their gene pool of uni-brows and female hirsutism. Basically, I was recently contacted by Yuri, Ursula’s father, with the terms of the dowry he is willing to offer in order to have me marry his daughter. So after waiting with anticipation for 5 months without telling anyone, you can imagine my surprise when today I received an old dishwasher, a blue bowling ball, 41 coconuts and an angry cat! ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!? I was expecting a luxury car, gold, diamonds and/or other various gemstones, and livestock! The man’s a freakin’ goat herder and he can’t spare a single goat!?! Does he have any idea how much a petrified owl-monkey-testicle-laden ring costs?!? Although he claimed that’s all he could afford, I think I’m playing hardball on this one. I’m not some second-rate biologist and, although I’m not one to brag, I’m the best damned biologist in the world! I momentarily considered putting myself back on the market, but I do realize that I’m unlikely to find another person like Ursula, my Sun-Goddess. I truly believe she’s the only one that loves and admires me as much as I love and admire myself. For this reason, I’ll give Yuri a chance to supplement this meager dowry. In the meantime, I’ll need to have Mateo take a break from massaging Magnum’s feet and dispose of this non-functional dishwasher in the forest somewhere.