A quick update for my fans

Basically, I know it’s been a relatively long time since my previous post, but several “issues” have prevented me from keeping you all posted on what’s been happening in the life of the WGB, one of which I feel the need to discuss. Hopefully, the number of suicides related to my lack of communication was lower than last year’s all-time high of 47 people, 2 cats, and a goat. In early December, 2010, I fell ill and, at first, assumed it was a result of my consumption of 3 ounces of locally produced, grass-fed beef. Basically, as you may or may not know, I stopped eating beef at the age of 7 because it always resulted in projectile vomiting. I decided to try beef again, however, since the price of genetically engineered, super-sized chicken drumsticks recently skyrocketed. After eating my 3 ounces of beef and downing 3 Zimas in one sitting, I immediately began shaking uncontrollably and wetting myself. After saturating 20 pairs of underwear and my favorite pair of long johns with my own urine, I was forced to visit the local “doctor” to see what was wrong. After numerous blood tests, a prostate exam, and a colonoscopy, which I am convinced I didn’t need, the “doctor” informed me that I had contracted what the locals here call “gonofacillaherpulitis.” I know, I said “Ghona-what the @#$*?” the first time I heard it too. Basically, it’s a mega-STD – a repulsive cocktail of venereal diseases, minus HIV. The “doctor” gave me a brochure describing its symptoms, the most severe of which include: explosive diarrhea, inflammation of the neck, buttocks, lips, and little toes, lactation, uncontrollable drooling, an unbearably itchy rash where one’s reproductive organs are situated, and frequent bed-wetting. I feel I need to start by saying, no, I am not as promiscuous as my contracting gonofacillaherpulitis would suggest. Yes, I have been “playing the field” a bit since Ursula ran over my heart with a steamroller, but, as the founder and president of Control de la Natalidad Internacional, I am a very strong advocate and practitioner of responsible copulatory behavior. Therefore, there is only one way I can think of that I contracted this horrible disease. You might recall the rabid owl monkey used during the HEWOdome battles (see 10/29/2009 post). Well, I decided to keep it as a pet since I despise the act of releasing domesticated animals into the wild. Basically, as I enjoyed a Zima and watched Milli Vanilli’s farewell concert on DVD one night, that no good excuse for a primate tried to steal one of my chicken drumsticks and, after I hit it in the head with my television remote, it freaked out and bit me in the neck and right buttocks before I was able to knock it out with an empty bottle of Zima and chicken leg. Basically, I assume this mauling was how I contracted the aforementioned disease. Although my health has since improved (no more swelling, lactation, or drooling), I am still forced to wear adult diapers and my technicians must take turns rubbing an environmentally friendly plant-derived lotion on my rash. I therefore ask that you all think positively and hang in there as my health continues to improve such that I can once again provide you all with updates of my life such that you may not feel the need to end yours. Basically, with love, The WGB

Welcome to HEWOdome

Basically, as my loyal followers you can all understand the time commitment that is field research! So basically, let me start by stating the obvious, the final round of technician testing has already been completed! I would have updated my blog immediately following the HEWOdome battles, but I became swamped with responsibility. Also, as you may or may not know, the weather was awfully wet and I was forced to delay the “HEWOdome” battles for several weeks due to an issue I had with the original location of the dome. Basically, my original battlefield was swept away by a landslide caused by the explosion of some ordinance that was dropped from a Mig fighter during the all-terrain race. Apparently, a local villager found a missile half buried in the mud near his hut and didn’t tell anyone about it! What an idiot! Well, Carl just happened to be cruising around some muddy fields near this villagers house trying to get a good cell phone signal with the XF3 satellite dish on my Hummer when he basically ran over what he thought was a sleeping/dead/drunk/incapacitated cow. To Carl’s astonishment, it was a bomb. Basically, he came running home and told me about it, but I figured that if it was on this villager’s property then it wasn’t my problem, so I went about my business. Basically, two hours later I hear a boom and a rumble and the next thing I know, the side of the mountain is sliding over my newly constructed arena of death. ARE YOU FREAKIN KIDDING ME!?! So, basically, obviously, I had but one choice . . . build another even better arena of death! The problem was that the best spot other than the one I already had was over an old local cemetery. So, I had to do some more bargaining with the locals and explain to them the situation and how important it was for me to have the “HEWOdome” where I wanted it. I made sure to explain to them how much extra work I would have to do if they didn’t appease me and how inconvenient it would be for me to build the dome somewhere else. I think they eventually grew tired of me talking to them and they settled for a rickshaw with one wheel, my broken A/C unit, and my Martha Stewart Self-Bunionator.

I know what you’re thinking, but I was basically comfortable parting with my Self-Bunionator because I now have Wang et al. to massage my feet. So, I put all of my technicians to work building the “HEWOdome” and had Mitzi order the weaponry. I must say, this was the only time everything went according to plan. The dome was completed in 2 days and Mitzi ordered some very exciting weapons. I also allowed groups to bring 3 weapons of their choosing to make things a bit more challenging and exciting. Basically, the weapons Mitzi bought included a mace, a ballista, a blunderbuss, leg-hold traps, a panzerfaust, a tazer with hooks, an atlatl, a lightsaber, and a rabid owl monkey with a blunderbuss.

The group weapon selection was as follows:
Chinese: Lead-based paint, chopsticks, fortune cookies
Japanese: Samurai sword, Sumo tighty-whities, a camcorder with fannypack
Russians: AK-47, vodka-based Molotov cocktails, a portrait of Vladimir Putin
Mongolians: Recurved bows, fur hats, dried fish

Obviously, basically, this was the bloodiest battle to ever grace Paraguay. The battle began immediately after I gathered all of the potential technicians in the HEWOdome and I was comfortably seated in my elevated, air-conditioned, viewing platform with a Zima in one hand and a genetically modified Zima-basted chicken leg in the other. I can write all day about the ten hour battle royale, but I have a life outside of my research! So, I’ll give you the best highlights I can.
The Chinese and Mongolians seemed particularly aggressive toward one another. The Chinese were throwing cans of lead-based paint at the Mongolians while the Mongols were shooting the Chinese with arrows, which I must say they are very accurate with. There were several Chinese left and they began trying to build some sort of long wall between them and the Mongols, but the Russians, in an attempt to fight off the Japanese, released the rabid owl monkey with its blunderbuss.

Unfortunately for the Chinese, the monkey was insanely accurate with the blunderbuss and wiped them out before they could finish the wall. The Russians, realizing the threat the rabid creature posed to them, bludgeoned it to death with their Putin portrait and then set it on fire with a Molotov cocktail. While the Russians were busy trying to kill the rabid primate, the Japanese were running around in their sumo undies pulling out their camcorders and video-taping themselves destroying the Mongols with samurai swords and tazers. The Mongols did not go lightly though, as they were basically firing the ballista all over the place, destroying most of the dome and several nearby villages. Unfortunately, there was so much smoke that no one could see. We began hearing these horrible screams and explosions coming from what was left of my HEWOdome. Panzerfaust rounds, dried fish, leg-hold traps, and Mongolian yaks were flying everywhere. When the dust settled the only person left standing was Ivanov, a Russian vagabond. In fact, there was no one else even in the dome. It was an awe-inspiring moment, as I realized then that I potentially had one of the greatest HEWO technicians ever created. This period of joy was short lived however, because as I was preparing to present Ivanov with his HEWOdome trophy, a beam from the dome fell down and basically decapitated him like a turkey. Basically, as you could imagine, I was upset for a short while that I was unable to secure such a premium technician, but then I recalled the pleasure of witnessing the battles and was quickly back to sipping Zimas and eating chicken.

Basically, I will be postponing any further technician competitions, as there will be a hiatus in my fieldwork due to my teaching a class at the University of Paraguay. I plan on keeping all of you updated on my professorial progress as I attempt to basically teach a "band of apes" how to pull our precious Earth from the brink of certain destruction. Basically, keep it real my minions. . .