Incarcerational Logistics

Another of the major, if not most important, questions that basically arose prior to my incarceration was how I could continue to be on the forefront of Earth saving while being largely basically cut off from communication with most of the denizens of the Earth that I am destined to save.  Obviously, there were two major challenges. Firstly, how to communicate with my technicians such that I could give them appropriate instructions towards appropriate Earth-saving activities. After firstly, how to make sure that I can continue to get the appropriate inspirational sustenance that I require such that I can continue to run my Earth-saving operation. Solution #1: Carrier Pigeons.

We basically sold one of our field vehicles and used all of the money to purchase the aforementioned pigeons and hire the World’s Greatest Pigeon Handler, Gustavo.  As you can likely ascertain by looking at Gustavo, he's an experienced man, and we basically had the utmost confidence that he would successfully spearhead one of the most important operations in the history of pigeons.

With a new flock of carrier pigeons and Gustavo on the job, saving the Earth was basically inevitable and operation dissertation completion was looming on the horizon despite my brief incarcerational setback.

Blunt-force Trauma

Enough questions about the damned monkeys. Yes, Mateo and Rogelio hid one of the monkeys.They trained the damned thing to use a baseball bat thinking that would deter me from getting rid of it. Are you freaking kidding me?!? Baseball?!? You’re going to insult someone that’s basically the world’s biggest cricket fan by giving this creature a baseball bat?!?

As I was beating that monkey to death with my favourite cricket bat, do you know what that monkey had the nerve to do to my bat? He freaking bit it! That bat was signed by Sir Don Bradman, basically the greatest batsman of all time, and now it’s got monkey tooth marks! So no, I don’t like monkeys anymore. You’ve ruined my life Yuri.

Impeccable Penmanship

How do I function realizing that the value of my signature will one day be priceless? No, this is not one of the questions basically submitted by you, my loyal followers, but nonetheless is a question I was sure you’d be wondering about. My burden is basically unlike any other placed on a contemporary scientist. With great supremacy comes a prodigious encumbrance. I basically know what you’re thinking, I sound even more erudite that normal. Well let me explain such that you may understand. Realizing the future importance of my autograph caused me to do two things. First, I’ve set aside two hours per day to practice my autograph such that it is aesthetically pleasing and impossible to counterfeit. Second, I’ve hired a notary to certify all signed documents, including credit card receipts. Obviously, this notary is also an unemployed linguist who brought with him two special books; one he calls a “dictionary” and the other a “thesaurus.” I basically already know what you’re thinking, what on Earth does he do with a book of pornography and a book about dinosaurs? Basically, that’s not what these are, they’re books full of fancy words.

Lazlo has been showering me with complements since beginning employment as my senior notary, using words like “excruciating”, “abysmal”, “appalling”, “horrendous”, and “atrocious” to describe my writing. Basically, I don’t know what any of these words mean, but I’m honoured that he would use such extravagant words to describe my work. Therefore, I’ve ordered Lazlo to use his magic books to improve upon my word choice, if that’s possible, such that my signature may one day be even more valuable. Basically, I will use the proceeds from my autographs to fund my Earth saving operation. It’s the least I can do.

Skewed sex ratio

As you may or may not know, many of my field assistants are basically male. While this basically provides a greater likelihood of them being stronger, smarter, and not wanting to stop and buy high heels, it does not necessarily mean they will achieve any level of competency, and moreover, makes it far less likely that I will want to look at their disgusting bodies. Therefore, I have decided that the next round of technicians will be female. Furthermore, an equal ratio of males and females is harmonious and equitable and earth-loving, and makes me seem not prejudiced.

With the above in mind, I considered various techniques to attract some lovely ladies to assist me. I posted my announcement for technicians to various biological jobs boards with statements requiring breasts, and requiring the attachment of head shots and full body shots in a bikini, but perplexingly, found no takers. Well, no female takers - actually one heavyset guy named Chad sent me a picture of something, but I'm trying to purge those images from my memory.

I asked Mitzi how to go about finding the right type of women for me, and luckily for me she had some inside info. Must be because she's a woman. Not that good-looking of a woman, but she is able to file and collate adequately, somedays. Anyway, she said the first thing I need to attract my kind of woman is the right outfit. I am a very fashionable guy, but I am known for being very open to a little good advice, and so I thought this little number she found did show off my studliness:

Then Mitzi directed me to the part of town where all the good-looking women hang out. Man, she was right, I had them coming right up to the vehicle asking if I needed anything done or if I was looking for any new girls! They seem so willing to work, that's the kind of attitude I like.



So I got three of them and brought them back to the field station - Lola, Candy, and Gina. I have to say, they are going to improve the scenery around here. Lola said she knew Juanita, which I found a bit odd... Anyway, we'll see how this works out, they seem very willing to work.

Wang et al.

Well Mitzi, you failed me, as expected. I don't know how hard it is to log on to E-Baysian and order me a bunch of Asians, but something has gone wrong. First off, the cargo barge ran aground into a highway somewhere.



But since they were basically on land, they decided to call and confirm our order. I was expecting to just get the Wangs, but apparently four different familes of Asians are headed our way! Are you freaking kidding me? What am I going to do with them all? I hope they get along...


Basically anyways, I was initially basically surprised about this, but basically thinking about all of the important work that needs to be basically done saving the world, I decided this would basically be an excellent opportunity to obtain additional help in the field, basically. However, all of my field assistants must pass a rigorous interview with me. So I decided to interview the 4 families that were coming. This was difficult because they don't speak much English, I guess they must be stupid or something. Again, I basically couldn't understand their unpronounceable names, so I was again forced to give them collective names. In addition to the Wangs, we will shortly be expecting the arrival of the Khans, the Gorbachevs, and the Kawasakis. I wasn't really able to interview them thoroughly, but considering the circumstances, I'll give them a pass. The important thing is that they assured me that they had their own field vehicles. I am eagerly awaiting their arrival. Plus, I need a pedicure and some sweet-and-sour chicken drumsticks.

El Pollo Gigante

Basically, the despondency associated with my recent disappointing experience with Zima has led my interventionist to suggest that I focus my efforts on some of my other passions. As you may or may not recall that I’ve mentioned before at various points in time, I have a special love of chicken drumsticks. Due to the overwhelming fear that chicken drumsticks may suffer the same unimaginable fate as my beloved Zima, I have began a conquest to find the world’s largest chicken drumsticks such that I may preserve them for posterity in advance of such an inconceivable demise. Obviously, saving the Earth and the HEWO are my top priorities which is why I’ve basically ordered Mateo and Rogelio to continue my field work while Juanita continues to deal with any press related to my recent feather discovery and the dedication of my statue.

Discovery

It is basically with great pride yet unquestionable humility that I announce the indubitable discovery of a Helmeted Woodpecker feather. Basically, I am in the process of scientifically analyzing the aforementioned feather to confirm its authenticity and I will keep you, my loyal followers, informed about this most important breakthrough. Other “scientists” had the gall to question my use of a feather transect protocol as a way to study the HEWO, but who’s laughing now? They suggested that I look for the actual birds which would have obviously been a waste of time. As you may or may not know, I believe in full disclosure so I should basically inform you that Mateo is the one who picked up the aforementioned feather and brought it to me, but it took my great biological skills to identify the keratinized structure as a feather. I basically went through great efforts not to contaminate this feather and, after applying my own feather microscopy protocol, I will send it to a museum so that lesser scientists can tell me that I’m right. For now, we celebrate my achievement! Zimas for everyone!

Proper Field Attire

Basically, since through my astute powers of observation I discovered that Juanita is actually a man, I now have some new options for saving the HEWO. As you may or may not know, the field is no place for a woman. Basically, it is for this reason that I hired Juanita as a personal assistant and would never have considered sending her out into the field. Well, things basically change and a great biologist and field commander such as myself has to adapt to this changing workscape. Given the new priority of ensuring that my new statue adequately portrays my masculinity and importance, I basically decided to re-assign Rogelio to supervising the sculptor of the aforementioned statue. Therefore, I decided to send Juanita out into the field with Mateo to collect my data. Although this requires much sacrifice on my part, I am basically willing to dial my satellite phone, sharpen my protocol-writing pencils, get my own Zima, clean my loofahs, and maintain the protocol laminator myself for a few days while we await my statue, to take one for the team so to speak. Basically, for Juanita to work in the field, “her” usual attire of miniskirt and fishnet stockings are basically not going to be appropriate, so I ordered Rogelio to inform Juanita of what would be considered suitable for field conditions. Because I’m basically not awake when the technicians leave for the field in the morning, I did not see the aforementioned attire when Juanita left for the first day in the field. You can basically imagine my surprise at the end of the next day when Juanita and Mateo returned and Juanita was wearing assless chaps! Are you freaking kidding me?!? Juanita was sitting in MY swan boat wearing assless chaps?!? Mateo described this as a problem of translation between myself, Juanita, and Rogelio. Basically, I’m not so sure about this and am starting to question Rogelio’s commitment to the project. Once this statue is done, I may have to make some tough decisions.

Statue of Virility

Basically, a couple of days ago my supervisor called pretending to be checking up on me even though I, as you may or may not know, am a superior biologist and our relationship is basically just a formality in which he wants to cash in on my fame and success. One of the things I make him do is manage all of my grant money so at least he can do something useful. Well, it turns out that according to aforementioned “supervisor” I’ve got plenty of money. As you may recall from your previous readings, I work very hard and therefore basically deserve to splurge a little bit instead of just basically spending all of this grant money on my research. Part of my amazing ability to save funds is related to my superhuman efficiency, which as you know is one thing that is helping me single-handedly save the Earth. Because I haven’t had the opportunity to attend a meeting recently in which I would obviously be honoured for my achievements, I decided to use my research funds to commission a statue in my honour. I’ve basically paid a $30,000 deposit to a local Paraguayan artist for the aforementioned statue and ordered Rogelio to translate the message for the aforementioned artist to focus on my altruistic commitment to single-handedly saving the Earth, my superior intellect, my scientific awesomeness, my undeniable charisma and good looks, my superhuman virility, and my astonishing modesty given all of these gifts that I have. I basically can’t wait to see myself immortalized as a statue just as other important scientists have been.

Crisis Resolved

Get this, when I told Mateo and Rogelio that I would be departing for Slovenia in one day and that I would be gone for two weeks, Rogelio had the nerve to question my commitment to MY research?!? Are you freaking kidding me?!? I even explained the situation and how Ursula was upset, and he still acted as if this crisis was unimportant! That SOB had the nerve lecture me, as if the protocols that he and Mateo are using are his and not mine! Basically, I think he’s still just upset about the swan boat and basically jealous that he doesn’t have my skills, abilities, power, and respect. As usual, Rogelio was completely unhelpful and not understanding of the magnitude of the aforementioned situation. As he walked away, I basically heard him mumble something about an Adam’s apple, which I’m not sure what that means. Although I commanded Rogelio to expand upon his mumbled statement, he declined. Basically thankfully, I have one understudy with the appropriate reverence for my superior standing. Mateo basically explained to me that Juanita is really a man and the reason that (s)he was basically walking around on the street in town seeking employment is because (s)he is a transvestite prostitute.

Because I basically cannot afford to have another technician quit on me as Jorge did, I decided that I should talk over this new revelation with Ursula and discuss the possibility that I should remain in Paraguay to continue supervising Rogelio and Mateo so nothing goes wrong and they basically will not abandon or sabotage my important research. Obviously, Ursula felt that I should at least confirm that Juan(ita) is in fact a man rather than a post-op transsexual in which case I would basically still be prohibited from employing him/her because of my aforementioned irresistibility to members of the opposite sex (possibly including transsexuals). As you may or may not know, asking Juan(ita) would be possibly misleading so I felt that a more scientific approach was in order. After developing a transvestite-inspection protocol, I ordered Mateo and Rogelio to implement said protocol which they basically did and confirmed that Juan(ita) is actually a man. So basically, it looks like I can continue my quest to save the HEWO without immediately departing for Slovenia unless something else comes up soon which would require me to go to Slovenia rather than stay in Paraguay supervising the aforementioned project.

Personal Assistant

Basically, I’ve made a very important decision and want to share the aforementioned decision with you, my loyal protégés. As you may recall from your previous readings and the fact that my actions and my blog are basically probably among the most important things in your life since you don’t have anything as important happening in your life certainly not as important as single-handedly saving the Earth, I currently have two “people” that serve me: Mateo and Rogelio. As you can probably imagine, it’s hard to accomplish the important tasks in which I endeavor to involve myself when my technicians are out in the field collecting my data. What do I do when I’m talking to other, yet lesser, scientists on my satellite phone and I run out of Zima? In the past, I’ve found that the pager system that I had implemented whereby Mateo or Rogelio would return to fetch my beverage have been ineffective to say the least. Similarly, when Mateo and Rogelio are excavating my Land Rover, by definition neither of them are available to shade me with a parasol as I supervise the aforementioned excavation. For these reasons, I’ve decided to hire a personal assistant to have the privilege of taking care of these tasks. Basically, I was considering giving someone this opportunity recently when I was in town buying chicken drumsticks and I happened to encounter a young lady on the street who was apparently seeking employment. Although Juanita does not speak any English, I basically showed her a few guaranies, which as you probably do not know is basically a type of money used in Paraguay, and she was willing to come with me, probably because she has heard of my amazing intellect and biological field skills. Over the past few days, I’ve basically been able to order Mateo and Rogelio to teach Juanita the valuable skills and English words that she’ll need to help me save the planet. In addition to fetching Zima, dialing my satellite phone, and holding my parasol, Juanita’s main duties include sharpening my protocol-writing pencils, maintaining the lamination machine for aforementioned protocols, washing my loofahs with successively smaller loofahs, and polishing the hand trowels.