Tensity

As you may or may not know, I’ve basically been away from my blog for a few days and realize that this was disappointing for all of you, my loyal followers. I basically found the “Juanita situation” to be a very stressful experience in which I was basically vindicated. As emotionally draining as it was to potentially basically have Ursula upset with me, to have one of my technicians question my actions, and to write a new protocol on such short notice with so much pressure because the stakes were basically so high, I found that this was a situation that even Zima and chicken drumsticks could not make better. Because I feared that this traumatic situation may jeopardize my research, it was clear that the only solution was to buy Ursula a plane ticket to fly to Paraguay. The past 4 days have basically been a groping frenzy and prior to her departure, Ursula even gave me a grope-on-a-rope as a gift to make me more comfortable with her absence. And get this, Rogelio again had the nerve to question whether buying a plane ticket for Ursula was a wise use of my research funds?!? Are you freaking kidding me?!? Doesn’t he get it??? If she didn’t fly here I would have had to fly there! It basically costs the same amount either way! I’m basically starting to become concerned with Rogelio’s belligerency and fear that he has lost his commitment to helping me single-handedly save the Earth. For now, I think I’ll try writing a new protocol for technicians to agree with everything I say and do, perhaps with a pledge of allegiance. I have no idea why I didn’t just do this in the first place.

PDA

As you may or may not know, protecting the Earth is very important to me and, although I’m basically doing it singlehandedly, I do have the help of my Sun-Goddess, my life partner, Ursula. Obviously, Ursula means little bear which does in many ways describe Ursula’s hirsute appearance, but it also describes her fierce and strong behaviour in the sack if you know what I mean. Some people basically think that I divulge too much information about my relationship, but who wouldn’t want to hear about my amazing sexual conquests? Ursula makes me wear a ball gag, does that make you uncomfortable? My advice to you: grow up and learn to observe a healthy and normal relationship without jealousy.

Obviously, when two people are meant for each other as much as me and my sweet Sun-Goddess Ursula, some people will doubt and try to sabotage our love. As you may or may not know, some people have used the word “codependent” to describe our relationship. Is it wrong that I talk to Ursula on my satellite phone for three hours every day? Do the math, that’s only one-sixth of a day! And my research grant pays for it anyway. Since Ursula lives in Slovenia, we only see each other once a month and, during each rendezvous, we have to basically fit in enough public groping, cuddling, and necking to make up for the three-week groping deficit. Obviously, I’ve lived on our beloved Earth for over three decades, but Ursula’s very presence causes me to degenerate into a hormone-enraged middle-school-style groping frenzy. People that basically don’t do the same thing clearly don’t care about each other. Basically, some people that are basically jealous of our relationship wonder how I can simultaneously save the Earth and have the time and money to fly to Slovenia once per month. As you may or may not know, a flight from Paraguay to Slovenia can cost in excess of $2000, so how can I justify charging that much money to my research project every month? And doesn’t the excessive fuel consumption of the airline industry contribute to the senseless destruction of our planet? Those are stupid questions. You should basically know that, in order to both save money and save Earth, I actually pick up aluminum cans along the way, cash those in for money and help clean Earth’s beautiful land and waterways. Sure this takes longer, but I give Mateo and Rogelio plenty of work to do while I’m gone and it’s no small price to pay for saving the Earth. You're welcome.