Dissertation Completion

One thing to understand about prison, in case you have not been incarcerated, is that you basically have a lot of time on your hands.  Depending on your cellmate, perhaps you’ll spend considerable time on both hands and knees, but that’s another story.  When I was on the outside, much of my exceptional effort was placed on saving the Earth and its beautiful creatures including but not limited to, but mostly, the Helmeted Woodpecker.  Captive confinement curtailed my direct involvement in Earth-saving activities, so I basically had to direct my efforts toward other undertakings including but not limited to instituting a shiv recycling program, creating a prison-constrained protocol laminating system, not dropping the soap, and of course, Ultimate Frisbee.

Outside of these pursuits, I basically found time to finish my dissertation.  I completed the defence for the aforementioned dissertation as a series of 30-minute non-conjugal visits with my “advisor” and other committee members including, and limited to, Tzar Pickfit, Gip Chirpor, and a “neighbor” from my cellblock that everyone called Esteban Estupendo… or was it Esteban Estupido?…  basically, whatever, but he basically had a Ph.D. and was basically eligible for adjunct faculty status in my graduate programme. 

 If you’re lucky, I’ll undoubtedly give you more details about the aforementioned dissertation in a future post.

Clarifyation

Undoubtedly, you, my loyal followers, may have many questions about my absence and triumphant return.  This aforementioned statement may be proved by the recent comment elicited by my previous post.  Did I escape from prison?  This time, they let me out.  In fact, they basically begged me to leave for some reason.  Last time, as you may or may not recall, I declared that I left when I felt like I had more important things to do.  Some people may or may not refer to that as “escaping.”  Potato, tomato.  Did I mention that my prior incarceration was unjust?  That it was driven primarily by the misinformation of my former technician Carl, who will basically never receive a favourable recommendation from me for future employment thus destroying his intentions of future biological occupations?  That I really did have more important things to do??  Did I mention that my supposed “lawyer”, Martin Almada, basically refused to properly represent my innocence on the technicality that I “partes de mono vendidos”???  ¿Me estás tomando el pelo?!!!

I basically intend to clear my name and resume my important Earth-saving activities.  It’s basically unfortunate that, as I sit here in this internet café catching up on what it is that I may or may not have missed during my aforementioned hiatus based on a disastrous misunderstanding of my conservation-oriented activities despite continued insistence among staff of the aforementioned internet café that I leave because I am not a paying customer, almost all of my supposedly loyal, but apparently worthless, technicians have abandoned me.  I know that you, my loyal followers, would never do that.  Right now, I’m currently working out a protocol for returning to my field site. I know you’ll be anxiously awaiting the aforementioned return.

Freedom

Basically, it’s been approximately more or less 3 years, 5 months, 25 days, 14 hours, 17 minutes, and 13 seconds, plus or minus exactly a few minutes or so.  Leaving you helplessly stranded and lacking direction in my unexplained absence was not my choice.  I sit here in an internet café in Asunción such that I can inform you of my return to the imperative activities of saving our Earth from careless human carelessness.



My aforementioned return has been precipitated by the completing of my “term” in prison, whatever that means.  As you may or may not recall, but undoubtedly remember, I told you, my loyal followers, about my year in a Paraguayan prison.  I basically spared you some of the details about the aforementioned incarceratory time, but, long story less long, it turns out you can’t just leave prison when you feel like you have more important things to do, even if you do have more important things to do, and can prove it.  Having completed all of the instructions listed on the long-laminated Prison Release Information Dissemination protocol, I must return to my important work of singlehandedly prying Earth’s biodiversity from Man’s evil greed. You’re welcome. 

Carl's Re-Re-Discovery

It has basically been a rough couple of weeks. As you may or may not be able to tell based on my increased focus on Carl, Dwight has basically more or less undoubtedly disappeared again.  However, this may basically be a fortunate, if not fateful, coincidence, perhaps even destiny, and lucky destiny at that.  Were it not for the aforementioned disappearance I basically wouldn’t have fortuitously rediscovered Carl.  I basically singlehandedly made this important discovery earlier this week when Mateo informed me that I should watch the U.S. Presidential Debate as there was someone in the audience that basically “looked like” Carl. 

I basically singlehandedly confirmed that the squirrel-suited Asian man in the audience at the aforementioned debate was in fact Carl.  While it’s basically common knowledge that many Asians look the same, and that many of them wear squirrel costumes, I have no doubt that this was Carl.  Obviously, my refusal to provide him with a positive recommendation has led to his continued employment as an audience member at various U.S. political events.  Rather than immediately reinvoking the AIDS protocol, I decided to wait.  We will basically spring our trap at the third, and final, 2012 U.S. Presidential Debate.  It’s time to pay for your crimes against Earth, Carl.

Erraticism

As you may or may not recall, after I was released from prison I basically hired a licensed therapist to help me readjust to life on the outside and heal my deep psychological wounds such that I can continue on my destiny to save the Earth and inspire the many scientists of this world with my world-class scientific greatness.  The aforementioned therapist, my brother Dwight, has basically helped me out a lot, but this help has not come without its share of difficultation.  Dwight’s recent behaviour has been erratic and has begun to worry me.  His week-long unscheduled absence occurred during a time when there was a serial rapist on the loose.  Luckily, the aforementioned rapist has basically not struck since Dwight has returned.  After returning from the aforementioned absence with various scratches and abrasions about his body, Dwight refused to explain where these came from and proceeded to basically sleep for a week.  Now, he’s apparently taken to giving therapy to law enforcement officials, as they’ve basically come to visit multiple times, and he spends all of our precious dial-up internet minutes on something called “chat roulette.”  I’m worried about Dwight, but I’m mostly worried about me as this is basically drastically affecting the quantity and quality of my therapy.

Legal Misrepresentation

As you may or may not know, I basically did nothing wrong to deserve my incarcerational time in prison. One of you, my loyal fans, basically inquired as to what the official criminal accusations levied against me were such that you would know them.  And did I hire a lawyer?  Are you freaking kidding me?!?  Of course I hired a freaking lawyer, I hired the best freaking lawyer in Paraguay!!!  Did he get me acquitted of the crimes against me, and therefore, against the Earth and all of humanity? NO!!!  Did I start logging the pristine forest around our new headquarters to pay your fees, Martin Almada, and I still went to prison?!? YES!!!

What kind of freaking charge is bushmeat trafficking anyway?!?  Are you freaking kidding me?!?  Bushes don’t even have meat!!  If they did, they'd basically make me sick to my stomach.

Exhibit A:

I should have basically just represented myself such that I could have not went to prison.  I'm not bragging, but I'm basically pretty sure that I would be a pretty good lawyer.  This is all ultimately basically Carl’s fault, but you’re to blame too Martin. Thanks for nothing.  

The Shiv or the Shank?

Dwight has finally basically awakened, but he has basically been less than forthcoming about where he was or how he got all of the various scratches and abrasions about his body.  After he finally woke up, we basically immediately got back to my therapy.  After a few hours with the aforementioned Dwight and a few bottles of my precious limited supply of Zima, I basically realized that I need to communicate my prison experience to my loyal followers such that I can heal and such that I can provide inspiration to those of you that may or may not spend time in prison at some point in the future for some unforeseen reason.  Basically, the first thing I did when I learned I was going to prison was devote all of the time of my technicians to studying what I needed to do to survive my unfortunate and unfair banishment.  As you may or may not know, there are basically some good books out there on this topic.

There are basically a few basic rules to surviving your prison stay: rule number 1, get yourself a good shiv. Rule number 2, show the other prison people that you mean business. I normally basically don’t want anything to do with business because of the evil destructive practices employed by business in destroying Earth’s precious resources, but this was about survival. Not just any survival, my survival, and therefore Earth’s survival. One such way that one may show that one means business to others such that they establish dominance is through using the aforementioned shiv for shanking a fellow inmate. Basically, shivs can be made from lots of different materials but, interestingly, there really aren’t places where you can buy these so you generally have to make them yourself or buy them from other prison tenants using cigarettes or favors.  So I basically went to prison with a plan, but with lots of unanswered questions about how to get the aforementioned shiv...

Wake Up Dwight!

Since returning from his brief hiatus, Dwight has basically slept for more than an entire week. Obviously, this is a very selfish act given that I was in need of his therapeutic assistance to mend the deep psychological wounds induced by my recent incarceration.  I’m still not sure what caused all of those scratches on his back, face, and the rest of his body, but I’m basically sure that there’s most likely a reasonable explanation for the aforementioned scratches and abrasions.

In other news, I’ve basically been acquiring apps for my new tablet.  For some reason, even though my tabputer© is vastly superior to all others, including the iPad, as evidenced by the much greater price, I can only purchase apps for my aforementioned tabputer© from the Apple store.  Because the aforementioned Dwight has basically been sleeping and neglecting my needs, I downloaded a therapists app such that I can find a temporary replacement. Unfortunately, this app only informs me about the location of reported serial rapists. It’s from using this app that I’ve learned there’s a serial rapist on the loose in my area of Paraguay. He’s described as a white male, approximately 32 years old, 1.8 meters tall with long brown hair and a tattoo on his right shoulder.  He basically sounds pretty creepy.  I better help my technicians out a lot by warning them about the aforementioned serial rapist such that they won’t get assaulted and have to miss work. You’re welcome, technicians.

iMAnAss

Whereas most normal scientists are hell-bent on destroying the environment by taking notes on paper, I’ve basically invested in a tablet computer such that I may eliminate my need for paper and further inspire you. Obviously, the fanciness of my possessions must be proportional to my importance of a scientist. As you may or may not know, many people with the aforementioned tablet computers settle for the iPad or even lesser types of tabputer©.  I basically refused to settle and have therefore purchased the much more expensive iMAnAss, which is only exclusively offered by one purveyor of luxury goods.

No, I don’t understand the name of it, but I do understand that it’s more expensive than an iPad and therefore must basically be vastly superior.  Someone has suggested that I’m an ass for purchasing the aforementioned tablet, hence the name, whereas others have suggested that in referring to man ass, it’s geared towards homosexuals. I can basically assure you that I’m neither of these things*, I’m the World’s Greatest freaking Biologist!  And no, I don’t know why there are donkeys on it, or why one donkey is trying to give the other the Heimlich maneuver, but it’s the best and that’s why I need it.  The aforementioned purchase will undoubtedly help me on my Earth-saving quest toward dissertation completion.

*prison doesn’t count

I have AIDS!

Well, after basically devoting all of my resources to coming up with a new protocol, and more importantly, an acronym for the aforementioned protocol, I’ve done it. I’m obviously proud to announce the launching of Apprehending Ignominious and Deceptive Squealer, or AIDS.  This may be among my best protocols yet. Carl, we’re on to you, and it’s just a matter of time. Save yourself the embarrassment and just turn yourself in.

Have you no dignity Carl?

Well, I basically found Carl. As you may or may not recall, the aforementioned Carl was basically singlehandedly responsible for me spending a year in prison. I’ve been working through my anger at Carl with the help of a therapist, and he made me promise not to talk about Carl anymore such that I may begin the healing process.  Since this aforementioned therapist basically disappeared and has not been seen for the past four days, I have not been able to resist the temptation to mobilize my technicians with a new protocol called “Operation Find Carl.”  I have unveiled this new protocol without yet coming up with a proper acronym, but I assure you that one of the technicians has been assigned to the task of creating an acronym for the aforementioned protocol such that I can communicate about the operation more effectively and concisely without using too many unnecessary words.  I don’t like to brag, but being concise is basically one of my greatest gifts. Anyhow, Carl is working as a costume model in Japan, undoubtedly because of my refusal to give him a positive recommendation in his chosen field. 

Dressing up like a squirrel Carl? Seriously? Those testes don't even look biologically accurate.  Don't you have any dignity?  Now that I know where he is, I can send a team to apprehend him as soon as I come up with an appropriately detailed protocol to accomplish this incredibly important task. 

First impressions of prison

Was prison an uncomfortable experience? Are you freaking kidding me?!? Do they have chicken drumsticks in prison? Fruit-scented shampoos? Zima?  NO!!!  Can you have technicians in prison?  NO!!!  Laminating machines for your protocols? HELL NO!!! They feed you meat on a regular basis which, as you may or may not recall, makes me sick to my stomach.  I now have irritable bowel syndrome and fecal incontinence problems for reasons that I’m basically not yet ready to go into.  Yes prison was an uncomfortable experience, Carl, I know you’re the one asking such a stupid question. 

Was prison all bad?  Actually, it wasn’t. I was encouraged to find my cellmate was quite fond of me, undoubtedly he was aware of my acclaimed work saving the Helmeted Woodpecker from man’s destructive deathgrip.  Unfortunately, my aforementioned cellmate, Hector, was also quite fond of showing me his Helmeted Woodpecker. 

I’m not ready to go into more details, but with the help of my new therapist, I’m confident that I’ll be able to assail you with the excruciatingly painful and unnecessarily detailed details in the near but not too distant future.  Let’s just say that I basically found ways to get around some of the unnecessarily harsh rules of prison and to continue my efforts to singlehandedly save Earth and all of its majestic creatures.  Prison made me stronger. Now I’m unstoppable.

Why Carl? Why?

Carl, I know you’re out there and I know you’re reading this. You made a huge mistake, and you don’t know who you’re messing with. I don’t know how you could do this to me Carl, do you have any idea what you’ve done to my Earth saving operation?  I thought we were a team.  I’ll never forgive you Carl, and you can't come back, it's too late and you've done too much damage.  I haven’t had any calls yet from prospective employers, but I’m a pretty big deal and I WILL NOT GIVE YOU A GOOD RECOMMENDATION!  I’ll track you down Carl.  I’m watching you.

Man hands

Upon my return, there are basically numerous questions that have been addressed to me. Let me begin to answer some of these such that you may attain a better understanding and cease to waste my time with idiotic questions. First of all, is Dwight a therapist or “the rapist”? That’s offensive. He was never convicted, and that bitch was a liar. Dwight is basically a licensed massage therapist, he specializes in outdoor massages and, because of the court order, exclusively male rather than female clients. He has very soothing hands and his presence has basically facilitated my healing process. For some reason that I basically cannot understand, his business has been stalling back home, but I’m confident that Paraguay will offer him a wealth of new opportunities. 

Healing

Realizing that the past year has basically been a traumatic experience for me, I’ve enlisted the assistance of a professional to help me heal my psychological wounds such that I can resume effortlessly producing the best science on the planet. I’ve invited my brother, Dwight, who is basically a licensed therapist, to join me in Paraguay.

 Obviously, getting past my intense hatred for Carl is the major obstacle we have confronted thus far such that I may resume my Earth-saving activities. I basically did nothing wrong, but Carl betrayed me, proving that he is not a valuable technician. I gave him simple instructions in the form of three perfectly laminated 18-page protocols, and what did he give me?  Prison, that’s what he gave me. But Dwight has helped me realize that I need to get past this, so even though I will not give him a good recommendation, you will hear no more about Carl.

Betrayal

First of all, my sincerest apologies for leaving you in a time of great need. I understand that you have basically been checking for new posts each hour for the past year, but due to circumstances beyond my control I have been unable to provide you with my inspirational leadership. As you likely undoubtedly recall, I left you during the pinnacle of my Earth-saving operation, around the time of my historic near-simultaneous implementation of two protocols, PORN (Procurement Of Rapacious Night-monkeys) and POOP (Procurement Of Owl-monkey Parts) which, through what I like to refer to as “international trade”, were intended to finance the search process outlined in the heralded HERPIES protocol. Well, what I refer to as “international trade” is referred to by some as “illegal trafficking of wildlife parts.” They were basically splitting hairs, but to make a long story short I spent a year in a Paraguayan prison. I had trusted Carl to help implement these protocols, but alas he basically betrayed me. Looks like Carl won’t be getting a good recommendation. If anyone is looking for a field technician, don’t hire Carl, he may or may not get you put in prison.

 As you may or may not know, the Earth persisted during my hiatus, undoubtedly obviously the result of the many efforts that I have previously put in place in the past. Most importantly and obviously the result of my pioneering efforts in monkey control, the Helmeted Woodpecker most likely persists. You’re welcome.  As I will basically detail in upcoming updates, a lot has happened in the past year. Being in prison basically renewed my commitment to Earth saving, and HERPIES has a whole new meaning to me. Carl’s insane jealousy and desire to hijack my Earth-saving operation has slowed us down, but I’m back and will continue to single-handedly prevent Earth’s needless destruction. 

Impeccable Penmanship

How do I function realizing that the value of my signature will one day be priceless? No, this is not one of the questions basically submitted by you, my loyal followers, but nonetheless is a question I was sure you’d be wondering about. My burden is basically unlike any other placed on a contemporary scientist. With great supremacy comes a prodigious encumbrance. I basically know what you’re thinking, I sound even more erudite that normal. Well let me explain such that you may understand. Realizing the future importance of my autograph caused me to do two things. First, I’ve set aside two hours per day to practice my autograph such that it is aesthetically pleasing and impossible to counterfeit. Second, I’ve hired a notary to certify all signed documents, including credit card receipts. Obviously, this notary is also an unemployed linguist who brought with him two special books; one he calls a “dictionary” and the other a “thesaurus.” I basically already know what you’re thinking, what on Earth does he do with a book of pornography and a book about dinosaurs? Basically, that’s not what these are, they’re books full of fancy words.

Lazlo has been showering me with complements since beginning employment as my senior notary, using words like “excruciating”, “abysmal”, “appalling”, “horrendous”, and “atrocious” to describe my writing. Basically, I don’t know what any of these words mean, but I’m honoured that he would use such extravagant words to describe my work. Therefore, I’ve ordered Lazlo to use his magic books to improve upon my word choice, if that’s possible, such that my signature may one day be even more valuable. Basically, I will use the proceeds from my autographs to fund my Earth saving operation. It’s the least I can do.

Somebody ask a freaking question

So you know, I basically started a series where I wanted people to ask me questions and then I'd answer them. Except I'm not getting any. Questions, that is. Except from freaking Leroy Hornsnarkle the III or whatever his name is.

No really, use the comments box. Ask a question. I'll answer it. I'm smart. Obviously.

So then I'll tell you my smarts and you'll be smart.

I guess I am a stickler about one thing.

I guess I should clarify that, although I think punctuation, spelling, and use of words that are actually words and not just jumbles of letters that I made up are basically totally overrated, I am a stickler about one thing" proper use of numbers in journal articles. Sometimes numbers need to be presented as numerals, and other times

they have to be written out. It's completely obvious when to use which, and when I see things like "We kidnapped 3 rival researchers", or "Thirty birds had to be destroyed" in people's writing, it's so inconsistent, I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

Here are my completely obvious and universal guidelines that are so simple that a lemur playing a tenor saxophone could follow them.

Use digits for numbers (e.g., 7,000,000,000,000,000,000 and .1) unless the number is the first word of a sentence or is used as a pronoun (e.g., at least one was killed when we ran it over), in which case the number is spelled out. Except, obviously, write out numbers one to nine unless a measurement; use numerals for numbers ≥10. Basically, for things that are obviously measurements: use numerals (6 panda bears, 8 days, 2 television sets). Non-measurements: (a) if 0–9, write out number (eight zimae); (b) if ≥10, use numeral (10 zimae). Series: (a) for a series of related numbers (≥1 numbers), with at least one number being ≥10, use all numerals (2 marked individuals, 22 marked pairs, and 8 unmarked pairs); (b) if all numbers are less than 10, good for you, they'll be easy to add up later. Numbers less than ten within a series should be written out always, without exception; (c) except within parentheses, use numerals: the equipment needed to be replaced when I dropped it in a lake (9 cell phones, 8 video cameras, 7 battery-powered massagers); (e) except also except basically when within 100 characters from the letter "q", then write out all numbers: We cut down one-hundred and eighty lineated woodpecker nest trees with a Husqvarna (Stockholm, Sweden) chainsaw.

Treat ordinal numbers using a random number table, using 3rd for odds, and third for evens.

When reviewing or editing a paper, use a nested series of random number tables, making the logic behind your recommendation of numbering rules essentially impossible to decipher.

When noting the year that events happened, use "in the year of Our Lord Nine-teen Hundred and Seventy-two."

Indicate units after each item (e.g., blood loss ranged from 3 to 10 pints) and use symbols or abbreviations (e.g., % and mllmeters) for measurement units that follow a number. Unless the number is indefinite (thousands of casualties), is a “0" (oh) or “1” (won) standing alone, or is the first word in a sentence. In such cases spell out the number and unit name or recast the sentence. Avoid using introductory phrases (e.g. one day I had to take a dump real bad …).

Spell out ordinal numbers (e.g., first, two-hundred seventieth) in text and Literature Cited, but use digits for cases such as 38-fold and 3-way.

Convert fractions (99/1343, 13321/8463465543, etc.) to decimals except where fractions look more impressive.

Write out all summations and factorials. Show every step, using a number 2 pencil, and scan it in as a figure. Write out the figure number.

When reporting on numbers generated by a computer, use binary.

Report band numbers of birds originally banded in Italy using roman numerals.

Hyphenate number-unit phrases used as adjectives (e.g., 2-m^2 prison cells and 5-yr-old hookers) but not those used as predicate adjectives (e.g., prison cells were 2 m^2, hookers were 5yr old).

When doing fieldwork in a large field, communicate numbers using sephamore flags.

Insert commas in numbers ≥1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 or when pricing garments in Europe.

Do not insert a comma or hyphen between consecutive, separate numbers in a phrase (33-1/3 3-m^3 plots).

Do not use naked decimals (i.e., use 0.05, not .05), this is a family journal. When identifying items by number, use lowercase for names (e.g., 1 bob, 2 ed, 3 shirley).

Use scientific notation in tables to save space (e.g., 1.0 x 10^1).

POGOSTICK!!

Dear readers,

I have found the wave of the future. Have you ever been corrected by someone whose like, that sentence doesnt have a verb! or like dont start a sentence with a comma?!?@! Me too, I hate that. Thusly, I basically have decided to basically start basically my own jrounal. I’ve decided to dispnse with copy-editing entirely. Which makes things alot cheaper. Because it’s cheaper its for sure better. In this nou digital age, we must press forward, and leave the conventi ns of print behind us. The future is now. I present, my new table of contents for my peer-reviewed un-copy-edited Paraguayan Ornithological Gournal Of Stuff That Is Curently Known (POGOSTICK). Additionally, I found it completely unnecessary to employ English speakers, because they are more expensive than is needed for such menial work.

Link to full size cover:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/56209971@N05/5200039826/