I have HERPIES...

Even though nobody has specifically asked about my new protocol for replacing my Earth-saving life partner, I’m sure that you’ve been wondering and I thought I may provide some explanation such that you may understand. The HERPIES protocol basically involves a very detailed list of suitable criteria for aforementioned personnel such that the replaced person(s) may fulfill the necessary duties in an adequate and appropriate yet worthwhile way for numerous years, potentially possibly more-or-less indefinitely. Explaining the entire protocol in detail is likely futile, as you basically likely aren’t capable of fully understanding. Nonetheless, I feel obligated to try to dumb it down for you such that you may grasp its importance. Obviously, admiring me and my brazen quest for saving Earth from man’s ungentle donkey punch of destruction is first and foremost on the aforementioned list. A second but possibly equally important qualification is that all people of eastern European descent are automatically disqualified from further consideration. The above aforementioned criteria, along with a strong preference for hirsutism, are basically the guiding principles for HERPIES, and I’m looking forward to Mitzi narrowing the sure-to-be extensive applicant pool in the not-too-distant yet close-to-immediate future. The protocol is laminated, and it’s time to begin. Wish me luck. Basically, Earth’s future hangs in the balance.

A Brief Moment of Reflection

Basically, this is the last question I’ll answer about Yuri’s damned monkeys. Yes, Mateo and Rogelio hid another monkey, and no I didn’t find it for months. As you may or may not know, I don’t regularly visit the earthen huts where “the help” stay, but an anonymous report of an above-average flea infestation forced me to investigate. As I methodically worked through the hut inspection protocol, I found it hidden under an old Zima crate. This time, they had it dressed up like a woman. Are you freaking kidding me?!? Exploiting the fact that I won’t hit a woman or any creature dressed like a woman?!?

Then Rogelio uttered its name, Ursulita, and I launched into an uncontrollable rage. As I asphyxiated the creature and bludgeoned her to death with my pocket-sized abacus, I felt a strange sense of arousal and longing for companionship. It was with the death of this small primate that I also said goodbye to my months-long denial about Ursula’s ultimate betrayal. Basically, I realized it was time find a replacement such that my Earth-saving activities may again be facilitated by an unabashed admirer, hopefully one with a father capable of producing an appropriate dowry. Obviously, I ordered Mitzi to immediately form a search committee to enact the Honouring Earth by Replacing Personnel Inasmuch as Earth needs Saved protocol (HERPIES).

Impeccable Penmanship

How do I function realizing that the value of my signature will one day be priceless? No, this is not one of the questions basically submitted by you, my loyal followers, but nonetheless is a question I was sure you’d be wondering about. My burden is basically unlike any other placed on a contemporary scientist. With great supremacy comes a prodigious encumbrance. I basically know what you’re thinking, I sound even more erudite that normal. Well let me explain such that you may understand. Realizing the future importance of my autograph caused me to do two things. First, I’ve set aside two hours per day to practice my autograph such that it is aesthetically pleasing and impossible to counterfeit. Second, I’ve hired a notary to certify all signed documents, including credit card receipts. Obviously, this notary is also an unemployed linguist who brought with him two special books; one he calls a “dictionary” and the other a “thesaurus.” I basically already know what you’re thinking, what on Earth does he do with a book of pornography and a book about dinosaurs? Basically, that’s not what these are, they’re books full of fancy words.

Lazlo has been showering me with complements since beginning employment as my senior notary, using words like “excruciating”, “abysmal”, “appalling”, “horrendous”, and “atrocious” to describe my writing. Basically, I don’t know what any of these words mean, but I’m honoured that he would use such extravagant words to describe my work. Therefore, I’ve ordered Lazlo to use his magic books to improve upon my word choice, if that’s possible, such that my signature may one day be even more valuable. Basically, I will use the proceeds from my autographs to fund my Earth saving operation. It’s the least I can do.

A Potentially Groundbreaking Technique

Basically, as you may or may not know, I recently attended the annual Paraguayan Ornithological Organization of Paraguay (P.O.O.P.) conference to present a component of my research titled “A Potentially Groundbreaking Technique That Could Potentially Revolutionize the Attachment of Radio Transmitters to Avian Organisms Such That We Can Further Our Understanding of Their Movements, Habitat Utilization, Mortality Rates, and Interactions With Other Organisms in Large and Small Bums.” For those of you who may or may not know, “bums” simply refer to the sizes of forest patches in Paraguay. My results basically discuss the effectiveness of a novel, self-designed transmitter technique that will undoubtedly transform the field of Ornithology and should result in reduced HEWO mortality.

Basically, as many people know, my beautiful HEWOs experienced exceptionally high levels of post-capture mortality (98.3%) following my attaching radio transmitters to them the “old fashioned” way. My “knowledgeable” advisor informed me that these mortalities were to be expected and I should continue attaching transmitters to as many HEWOs as possible. Unfortunately, the number of HEWOs able to be captured was basically reduced by my need to document what I termed “In-the-hand behavior.” This basically means that following capture, I held the bird for ≥ 4.5 hours to assess their reaction to being, what some have termed, manhandled. However, this, in my opinion, is one of the most important and innovative investigations to ever be undertaken, as most self-proclaimed researchers simply take measurements and release a bird without ever documenting how they react to long periods of stress associated with handling and video documenting. After several field seasons, however, my HEWOs continued to suffer unimaginable mortality rates. My advisor kept encouraging me that I needed be persistent and suggested I carry on with the original technique, but I felt that it was simply his attempt to sabotage my otherwise flawless career. So, in response to his ridiculous demands, I developed several new attachment techniques which called for transmitters to be tied/glued/stapled/taped to various parts of HEWOs such that I could determine which worked best. Basically, I was able to narrow down my options to 2 techniques that resulted in the fewest mortalities: the helmet attachment and the bill attachment. Some people suggested these to be even riskier than former techniques, yet no one has attempted to design a new method in years, which is basically, in my opinion, inexcusable, and the papers published explaining the use of these old techniques obviously lack merit.


My results indicated that these attachments worked much better than former ones, as the birds lived several days longer than with old attachment methods and the transmitters were easier to attach since there aren’t as many feathers to deal with. However, I basically continued to face a confounding issue with my post-release dispersal investigation. Basically, I believed this was potentially due to the birds flopping around on the ground following release, making them more prone to depredation. Unfortunately, I have always left the area immediately after releasing birds, such that they weren't disturbed further, so their fates remained unknown until my technicians tried to track them 4 weeks later. So, my testing of a new rocket backpack transmitter that provided my HEWOs with the extra “boost” they needed to take off after release showed that their post-capture dispersal was significantly greater than previously documented, further supporting my belief that old methods are ineffective. Therefore, I suggest this method be employed further by all "researchers" using radio transmitters to track movements, as I have proven its effectiveness at achieving statistically significant results.

I figured the networks would catch on to me

Did any of you loyal followers basically see Conan last night? He was basically doing his impression of the statue that was created to worship me.


Granted, the statue was baby-kicking, and that is basically weird.

But the point is, that, as I have predicted on many an occasion, I am becoming famous.

Indecency

My followers,

I have news regarding the statue that was created in my image and, understandably, basically failed to live up to that.

You see, Ursula was disturbed at the shocking level of nudity that was basically a shock. Who ever heard of a statue of a naked person?

So Ursula has remedied that situation, as you can see below. Naturally, I can see how some people would be shocked by a portrayal of something that large, so it's probably for the best that it's covered up.

Furthermore, many of you astute readers have emailed me regarding the basically shocking baby-kicking. I will admit, I was basically shocked that I was baby-kicking as well. So we have also remedied that.

As you may or may not be aware of, I am someone who is basically very sensitive and aware of the needs and feelings of others. So thusly, I hope that with the new additions to the statue, the aforementioned statue will now not cause anyone any anguish or embarrassment. Ursula has recently also contacted the Louvre. I bought her a plane ticket to France with my research funds, and as we speak, she is headed there with a shipment of underpants and sheets so that no person in this great and sensitive world will ever suffer offense.

Monstrosity

As you undoubtedly may or may not recall from my earlier post, other scientists that are in awe of my amazing biological skills and knowledge saw fit to honour my achievements with a statue. Well, it is with mixed feelings that I announce the completion of the aforementioned shrine to my undeniable superiority. Basically, I commanded Rogelio to supervise this aforementioned important undertaking to ensure that it does justice to my commitment to the cradle of life that we call my beloved Earth. Obviously, it would be very difficult, nay impossible, for any mortal being to capture this aforementioned dedication in a mere work of art. Despite me being among the most modest people on the planet, I’m sure you can imagine the anticipation with which I have awaited being immortalized as the greatest living biologist. Well, here’s the statue.


ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!!! What in the hell is this?!? Needless to say, I feel betrayed, deceived, and let down by this pitiful excuse for an immortalization. All I see is a freaky looking naked dude with a bunch of babies! Rogelio assures me that this disgusting piece of filth is meant to represent my strength and virility while displaying me balancing humanity against its own senseless destruction. I guess it’s hard to argue with that. Nonetheless, the nudity troubles me; it looks like I’m being attacked by naked babies! I think it may take more than $30,000 to properly secure my legacy. In the meantime, I think I’ll use the hired help to make sure that my statue remains unfettered by the tyranny of dirt and grime. If I’m standing naked in the park punting a baby, at least I’ll be clean while I’m doing it.

Discovery

It is basically with great pride yet unquestionable humility that I announce the indubitable discovery of a Helmeted Woodpecker feather. Basically, I am in the process of scientifically analyzing the aforementioned feather to confirm its authenticity and I will keep you, my loyal followers, informed about this most important breakthrough. Other “scientists” had the gall to question my use of a feather transect protocol as a way to study the HEWO, but who’s laughing now? They suggested that I look for the actual birds which would have obviously been a waste of time. As you may or may not know, I believe in full disclosure so I should basically inform you that Mateo is the one who picked up the aforementioned feather and brought it to me, but it took my great biological skills to identify the keratinized structure as a feather. I basically went through great efforts not to contaminate this feather and, after applying my own feather microscopy protocol, I will send it to a museum so that lesser scientists can tell me that I’m right. For now, we celebrate my achievement! Zimas for everyone!

Statue of Virility

Basically, a couple of days ago my supervisor called pretending to be checking up on me even though I, as you may or may not know, am a superior biologist and our relationship is basically just a formality in which he wants to cash in on my fame and success. One of the things I make him do is manage all of my grant money so at least he can do something useful. Well, it turns out that according to aforementioned “supervisor” I’ve got plenty of money. As you may recall from your previous readings, I work very hard and therefore basically deserve to splurge a little bit instead of just basically spending all of this grant money on my research. Part of my amazing ability to save funds is related to my superhuman efficiency, which as you know is one thing that is helping me single-handedly save the Earth. Because I haven’t had the opportunity to attend a meeting recently in which I would obviously be honoured for my achievements, I decided to use my research funds to commission a statue in my honour. I’ve basically paid a $30,000 deposit to a local Paraguayan artist for the aforementioned statue and ordered Rogelio to translate the message for the aforementioned artist to focus on my altruistic commitment to single-handedly saving the Earth, my superior intellect, my scientific awesomeness, my undeniable charisma and good looks, my superhuman virility, and my astonishing modesty given all of these gifts that I have. I basically can’t wait to see myself immortalized as a statue just as other important scientists have been.