Legal Misrepresentation

As you may or may not know, I basically did nothing wrong to deserve my incarcerational time in prison. One of you, my loyal fans, basically inquired as to what the official criminal accusations levied against me were such that you would know them.  And did I hire a lawyer?  Are you freaking kidding me?!?  Of course I hired a freaking lawyer, I hired the best freaking lawyer in Paraguay!!!  Did he get me acquitted of the crimes against me, and therefore, against the Earth and all of humanity? NO!!!  Did I start logging the pristine forest around our new headquarters to pay your fees, Martin Almada, and I still went to prison?!? YES!!!

What kind of freaking charge is bushmeat trafficking anyway?!?  Are you freaking kidding me?!?  Bushes don’t even have meat!!  If they did, they'd basically make me sick to my stomach.

Exhibit A:

I should have basically just represented myself such that I could have not went to prison.  I'm not bragging, but I'm basically pretty sure that I would be a pretty good lawyer.  This is all ultimately basically Carl’s fault, but you’re to blame too Martin. Thanks for nothing.  

First impressions of prison

Was prison an uncomfortable experience? Are you freaking kidding me?!? Do they have chicken drumsticks in prison? Fruit-scented shampoos? Zima?  NO!!!  Can you have technicians in prison?  NO!!!  Laminating machines for your protocols? HELL NO!!! They feed you meat on a regular basis which, as you may or may not recall, makes me sick to my stomach.  I now have irritable bowel syndrome and fecal incontinence problems for reasons that I’m basically not yet ready to go into.  Yes prison was an uncomfortable experience, Carl, I know you’re the one asking such a stupid question. 

Was prison all bad?  Actually, it wasn’t. I was encouraged to find my cellmate was quite fond of me, undoubtedly he was aware of my acclaimed work saving the Helmeted Woodpecker from man’s destructive deathgrip.  Unfortunately, my aforementioned cellmate, Hector, was also quite fond of showing me his Helmeted Woodpecker. 

I’m not ready to go into more details, but with the help of my new therapist, I’m confident that I’ll be able to assail you with the excruciatingly painful and unnecessarily detailed details in the near but not too distant future.  Let’s just say that I basically found ways to get around some of the unnecessarily harsh rules of prison and to continue my efforts to singlehandedly save Earth and all of its majestic creatures.  Prison made me stronger. Now I’m unstoppable.