Welcome to HEWOdome

Basically, as my loyal followers you can all understand the time commitment that is field research! So basically, let me start by stating the obvious, the final round of technician testing has already been completed! I would have updated my blog immediately following the HEWOdome battles, but I became swamped with responsibility. Also, as you may or may not know, the weather was awfully wet and I was forced to delay the “HEWOdome” battles for several weeks due to an issue I had with the original location of the dome. Basically, my original battlefield was swept away by a landslide caused by the explosion of some ordinance that was dropped from a Mig fighter during the all-terrain race. Apparently, a local villager found a missile half buried in the mud near his hut and didn’t tell anyone about it! What an idiot! Well, Carl just happened to be cruising around some muddy fields near this villagers house trying to get a good cell phone signal with the XF3 satellite dish on my Hummer when he basically ran over what he thought was a sleeping/dead/drunk/incapacitated cow. To Carl’s astonishment, it was a bomb. Basically, he came running home and told me about it, but I figured that if it was on this villager’s property then it wasn’t my problem, so I went about my business. Basically, two hours later I hear a boom and a rumble and the next thing I know, the side of the mountain is sliding over my newly constructed arena of death. ARE YOU FREAKIN KIDDING ME!?! So, basically, obviously, I had but one choice . . . build another even better arena of death! The problem was that the best spot other than the one I already had was over an old local cemetery. So, I had to do some more bargaining with the locals and explain to them the situation and how important it was for me to have the “HEWOdome” where I wanted it. I made sure to explain to them how much extra work I would have to do if they didn’t appease me and how inconvenient it would be for me to build the dome somewhere else. I think they eventually grew tired of me talking to them and they settled for a rickshaw with one wheel, my broken A/C unit, and my Martha Stewart Self-Bunionator.

I know what you’re thinking, but I was basically comfortable parting with my Self-Bunionator because I now have Wang et al. to massage my feet. So, I put all of my technicians to work building the “HEWOdome” and had Mitzi order the weaponry. I must say, this was the only time everything went according to plan. The dome was completed in 2 days and Mitzi ordered some very exciting weapons. I also allowed groups to bring 3 weapons of their choosing to make things a bit more challenging and exciting. Basically, the weapons Mitzi bought included a mace, a ballista, a blunderbuss, leg-hold traps, a panzerfaust, a tazer with hooks, an atlatl, a lightsaber, and a rabid owl monkey with a blunderbuss.

The group weapon selection was as follows:
Chinese: Lead-based paint, chopsticks, fortune cookies
Japanese: Samurai sword, Sumo tighty-whities, a camcorder with fannypack
Russians: AK-47, vodka-based Molotov cocktails, a portrait of Vladimir Putin
Mongolians: Recurved bows, fur hats, dried fish

Obviously, basically, this was the bloodiest battle to ever grace Paraguay. The battle began immediately after I gathered all of the potential technicians in the HEWOdome and I was comfortably seated in my elevated, air-conditioned, viewing platform with a Zima in one hand and a genetically modified Zima-basted chicken leg in the other. I can write all day about the ten hour battle royale, but I have a life outside of my research! So, I’ll give you the best highlights I can.
The Chinese and Mongolians seemed particularly aggressive toward one another. The Chinese were throwing cans of lead-based paint at the Mongolians while the Mongols were shooting the Chinese with arrows, which I must say they are very accurate with. There were several Chinese left and they began trying to build some sort of long wall between them and the Mongols, but the Russians, in an attempt to fight off the Japanese, released the rabid owl monkey with its blunderbuss.

Unfortunately for the Chinese, the monkey was insanely accurate with the blunderbuss and wiped them out before they could finish the wall. The Russians, realizing the threat the rabid creature posed to them, bludgeoned it to death with their Putin portrait and then set it on fire with a Molotov cocktail. While the Russians were busy trying to kill the rabid primate, the Japanese were running around in their sumo undies pulling out their camcorders and video-taping themselves destroying the Mongols with samurai swords and tazers. The Mongols did not go lightly though, as they were basically firing the ballista all over the place, destroying most of the dome and several nearby villages. Unfortunately, there was so much smoke that no one could see. We began hearing these horrible screams and explosions coming from what was left of my HEWOdome. Panzerfaust rounds, dried fish, leg-hold traps, and Mongolian yaks were flying everywhere. When the dust settled the only person left standing was Ivanov, a Russian vagabond. In fact, there was no one else even in the dome. It was an awe-inspiring moment, as I realized then that I potentially had one of the greatest HEWO technicians ever created. This period of joy was short lived however, because as I was preparing to present Ivanov with his HEWOdome trophy, a beam from the dome fell down and basically decapitated him like a turkey. Basically, as you could imagine, I was upset for a short while that I was unable to secure such a premium technician, but then I recalled the pleasure of witnessing the battles and was quickly back to sipping Zimas and eating chicken.

Basically, I will be postponing any further technician competitions, as there will be a hiatus in my fieldwork due to my teaching a class at the University of Paraguay. I plan on keeping all of you updated on my professorial progress as I attempt to basically teach a "band of apes" how to pull our precious Earth from the brink of certain destruction. Basically, keep it real my minions. . .

The Adventures of Carl . . . My New Technician

Basically, as many of you probably recall from the majority of my previous posts, Ursula and I speak on the phone an average of 28.8 times per day, which equates to about twice for every hour I am awake. I typically have had to carry two cell phones myself in addition to making my technicians carry one each so if something happened to a phone or one of my technicians carrying a phone, I would have numerous backups. The usefulness of this backup technique has been proven in recent weeks, as my technicians keep losing the phones through field “accidents”. It is as if they never realized that trying to traverse a wet, rock-covered 60 degree slope may result in them falling down! Even when I shout directions to them from the foot of the hill, they tend not to listen and ultimately slide back to the bottom, losing the phone on the way down. So, in an attempt to solve these aforementioned issues, I simply moved my field site to an area where the HEWOs inhabit areas with more roads.

The first thing I did was apply for the largest grant I could, and of course all I had to explain was how I was single-handedly saving the planet. Of course my reputation preceded me and they basically doubled the money they were giving away. So, I basically improved all of my equipment by throwing it out and buying all new stuff. I also purchased a new, “international” technician from somewhere in Asia; Wong Fu Xing, or as I call him Carl, as I cannot figure out what part of his name is the first part. So, after outfitting my project with some new rigs, radio and communication equipment, and Carl, I was ready to begin developing protocols to determine the best service locations for calling Ursula. The largest hill in the area seemed ideal and I sent Carl up there to test his field abilities and my new radio equipment.



Unfortunately, basically Carl could not understand what the protocol described but failed to tell me in a language I could understand, so I pointed to the hill and put the radio to my head to indicate what I wanted. Carl shook his head and I assumed he knew what I was telling him. So, I took the time to grab a Zima and get my bunions massaged by my new Martha Stewart Self-Bunionator. Basically, just after I dipped my toes into the warm bubbly water, Carl came into my field house covered in dirt and panting. Basically I was telling him I didn’t know what he was saying when I saw the unthinkable . . . my brand new field truck hanging from a cliff, held in place only by my new field boat. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!?!?

Luckily, the truck was not my new LandCrawler4500. I was so angry, the first thing I did was call Ursula to seek her advice. I could barely say her name, as I was crying so much because my bunions hurt. I was prepared to ship Carl back to the Orient, but my sun goddess convinced me to give him another try. So, I first made him get back into the truck dangling from the cliff so when they towed it back onto the road he would be able to drive it back down. He did, however, lose his vehicular privileges and I made him carry the 105 lb backpack radio I recently bought from a military surplus store to the top of the hill.

Basically, its true range, although unknown by mortal men, has been estimated to be hundreds of miles, so I assumed I would be able to reach Ursula and not have to pay for “minutes” allotted by cell phone companies. Six hours after Carl left for the top of the hill he returned, stumbled into my field house all sweaty and pale and started speaking in languages I couldn’t understand. So I basically handed him my newly developed protocol discussing the proper way to explain to me situations that arise in the field and instructed him to go outside and read it, as he was laying half way out of the door letting the cool air out of the field house. Basically, Carl came back into the house 5 minutes later and pointed to the very old, rotted cable that attached the phone to the backpack radio. Apparently, the store I bought the radio from did not perform any equipment checks and I was thus under the impression that the radio worked. Exhausted and frustrated, I immediately ordered a brand new Hummer with an XF3 satellite dish attached to its roof.

From now on, I will just have to drive to the top of the hill to call Ursula. Luckily, for a measly $10,000 I was able to specially order a second Martha Stewart Self-Bunionator to be installed in the back of the Hummer, so while I talk to Ursula I can soak my feet. I’m also considering sending Carl to become trained in foot massages, as he doesn’t seem good for much else.