Wang et al.

Well Mitzi, you failed me, as expected. I don't know how hard it is to log on to E-Baysian and order me a bunch of Asians, but something has gone wrong. First off, the cargo barge ran aground into a highway somewhere.



But since they were basically on land, they decided to call and confirm our order. I was expecting to just get the Wangs, but apparently four different familes of Asians are headed our way! Are you freaking kidding me? What am I going to do with them all? I hope they get along...


Basically anyways, I was initially basically surprised about this, but basically thinking about all of the important work that needs to be basically done saving the world, I decided this would basically be an excellent opportunity to obtain additional help in the field, basically. However, all of my field assistants must pass a rigorous interview with me. So I decided to interview the 4 families that were coming. This was difficult because they don't speak much English, I guess they must be stupid or something. Again, I basically couldn't understand their unpronounceable names, so I was again forced to give them collective names. In addition to the Wangs, we will shortly be expecting the arrival of the Khans, the Gorbachevs, and the Kawasakis. I wasn't really able to interview them thoroughly, but considering the circumstances, I'll give them a pass. The important thing is that they assured me that they had their own field vehicles. I am eagerly awaiting their arrival. Plus, I need a pedicure and some sweet-and-sour chicken drumsticks.

The Tzar

Greetings loyal readers,


Today, I shall basically impress upon you the importance of learning from ones wiser than you. Although basically this means me, there is one other who is a font of great wisdom: Tzar Pickfit.


Tzar Pickfit is a high-caliber ornithologists. If you meet a high-caliber ornithologists, you may not feel comfortable meeting with him intimately due to the overly large brain ratio between someone like him (and me) compared to someone like you, but he may or may not benefit you or cause you to think thoughts you may not previously have thought that you would think about. It is possible that such a meeting may in fact benefit you, and I am merely explaining this to you, since you may or may not have known this on your own. Even though your own work is probably without merit, you have much to learn from those who are wiser than you.


Tzar Pickfit is coming to my place of work, and I am making this post so that we all are able to coordinate the scheduling for his visit and schedule face-to-face time for intimate meetings. You see, we do not want to offend or anger him with our disorganization, so we must create a schedule, and laminate aforementioned schedule for maximal efficitude.


Involving the times of the signing up, there are, 6, blocks of time, a block being defined as a time slot in which the meeting between you and Pick may proceed. There are 5 slots between the blocks, slots defined as spaces that are not the blocks. This will all be available on the laminated brochure that I made with the laminating machine. The blocks start at 9:00, 10:00, 11:01, 12:29, 1:59 and 2:30. The slots start at 9:45, 10:35, 11:45, 1:30, 2:01, and 3:00. I propose eliminating the 12:29 block so Pick may dine, and eliminating the 2:01 slot, because a 2-minute-meeting is a short meeting, but, verily, a good amount of time for which to microwave leftover drumsticks. Please write me if none of this makes any sense. Confused yet?


You probably are confused, and so I have hired Juanita’s friend, Mitzi, to help with scheduling, laminating, and implement the protocols that drive the scheduling. We will see, Mitzi, if you can handle this important task.

El Pollo Gigante

Basically, the despondency associated with my recent disappointing experience with Zima has led my interventionist to suggest that I focus my efforts on some of my other passions. As you may or may not recall that I’ve mentioned before at various points in time, I have a special love of chicken drumsticks. Due to the overwhelming fear that chicken drumsticks may suffer the same unimaginable fate as my beloved Zima, I have began a conquest to find the world’s largest chicken drumsticks such that I may preserve them for posterity in advance of such an inconceivable demise. Obviously, saving the Earth and the HEWO are my top priorities which is why I’ve basically ordered Mateo and Rogelio to continue my field work while Juanita continues to deal with any press related to my recent feather discovery and the dedication of my statue.

Tensity

As you may or may not know, I’ve basically been away from my blog for a few days and realize that this was disappointing for all of you, my loyal followers. I basically found the “Juanita situation” to be a very stressful experience in which I was basically vindicated. As emotionally draining as it was to potentially basically have Ursula upset with me, to have one of my technicians question my actions, and to write a new protocol on such short notice with so much pressure because the stakes were basically so high, I found that this was a situation that even Zima and chicken drumsticks could not make better. Because I feared that this traumatic situation may jeopardize my research, it was clear that the only solution was to buy Ursula a plane ticket to fly to Paraguay. The past 4 days have basically been a groping frenzy and prior to her departure, Ursula even gave me a grope-on-a-rope as a gift to make me more comfortable with her absence. And get this, Rogelio again had the nerve to question whether buying a plane ticket for Ursula was a wise use of my research funds?!? Are you freaking kidding me?!? Doesn’t he get it??? If she didn’t fly here I would have had to fly there! It basically costs the same amount either way! I’m basically starting to become concerned with Rogelio’s belligerency and fear that he has lost his commitment to helping me single-handedly save the Earth. For now, I think I’ll try writing a new protocol for technicians to agree with everything I say and do, perhaps with a pledge of allegiance. I have no idea why I didn’t just do this in the first place.

Personal Assistant

Basically, I’ve made a very important decision and want to share the aforementioned decision with you, my loyal protégés. As you may recall from your previous readings and the fact that my actions and my blog are basically probably among the most important things in your life since you don’t have anything as important happening in your life certainly not as important as single-handedly saving the Earth, I currently have two “people” that serve me: Mateo and Rogelio. As you can probably imagine, it’s hard to accomplish the important tasks in which I endeavor to involve myself when my technicians are out in the field collecting my data. What do I do when I’m talking to other, yet lesser, scientists on my satellite phone and I run out of Zima? In the past, I’ve found that the pager system that I had implemented whereby Mateo or Rogelio would return to fetch my beverage have been ineffective to say the least. Similarly, when Mateo and Rogelio are excavating my Land Rover, by definition neither of them are available to shade me with a parasol as I supervise the aforementioned excavation. For these reasons, I’ve decided to hire a personal assistant to have the privilege of taking care of these tasks. Basically, I was considering giving someone this opportunity recently when I was in town buying chicken drumsticks and I happened to encounter a young lady on the street who was apparently seeking employment. Although Juanita does not speak any English, I basically showed her a few guaranies, which as you probably do not know is basically a type of money used in Paraguay, and she was willing to come with me, probably because she has heard of my amazing intellect and biological field skills. Over the past few days, I’ve basically been able to order Mateo and Rogelio to teach Juanita the valuable skills and English words that she’ll need to help me save the planet. In addition to fetching Zima, dialing my satellite phone, and holding my parasol, Juanita’s main duties include sharpening my protocol-writing pencils, maintaining the lamination machine for aforementioned protocols, washing my loofahs with successively smaller loofahs, and polishing the hand trowels.

Cricket

Basically, the only thing that may trump my love for the Earth, my life partner Ursula, and chicken drumsticks is my love of the most amazing sport on the planet, cricket. Beyond saving the planet, phone conversations with the love of my life, and my own personal hygiene needs, the largest proportion of my day is probably basically taken up by managing my fantasy cricket team. Yes, I do have a satellite television with the cricket ticket and I like nothing more than sitting down with an ice-cold Zima and watching an innings or two of my favourite sport. Yes, my bunny Magnum’s middle name is Wicket (Magnum Wicket Greatest-Biologist) and my first bunny’s name, may he rest in peace, was Sir Don Bradman. Yes, obviously after THE Sir Don Bradman the greatest batsman ever. I’m not bragging or anything, but my aforementioned fantasy cricket team is undoubtedly the greatest ever and has the greatest bowler and the most superior nightwatchman AND nightwatchbatperson in the world! How many century scoring players do you have on your team? How many of your players have been called out by a leg-before-wicket? I rest my case.

No Zima in Slovenia?

Sorry I haven't posted much. I've been in Slovenia with my goddess. And on a search for Zima. Would you believe they basically don't have Zima here? They have Zlatorog which basically starts with the right letter, but tastes all beery and is the wrong color. The other thing they don't have is loofahs. How I am supposed to wash myself without a loofah, I do not know. The nerve of some eastern Europeans. I am the WGB! Give me my aforementioned freaking loofah.


P.S. The chicken drumsticks here suck too.

My technicians better not be screwing up my project while I am away, like they basically always do. Basically, if I haven't told you yet, I've basically come to the basic conclusion that everyone but me is an idiot. Because my patented hiring process is guaranteed to select the optimum canditatorial material from my list of vast applicants who wish to be under my tutelage. But despite my interviewing skills (which others have described as "probably illegal", which highlights how awesome they are), my technicians constantly disappoint. Is it that hard? You've got an entire crew of people. Just assemble yourselves, and gather the data I need for my degree. Honestly. Just idiots.

Nectar of the Gods (and WGBs)!

As most of my lowly servants and colleagues that call themselves “biologists” know, I am basically the hardest working human on planet Earth. A typical day in the life of the WGB consists of waking up (in the morning), checking my email, calling my mother (pre and post Trix® consumption), putting on my socks, getting myself in my “HEWO zone”, telling Mateo to make sure my cell phone is charged, telling Rogelio how stunning my hair looks, and making sure people know who the WGB is and what my mission is all about! Obviously, basically, the aforementioned tasks are performed in addition to my priceless field research. So, you’re probably saying to yourself, “How is the WGB so great, and how can he simultaneously talk to his mother and save our planet?” Basically, the answer lies in my mind-boggling multi-tasking abilities. But, there is one thing that brings me up when I’m down and keeps me going day after day. I am talking about something so delicious and so awesome that the thought of it touching one’s tongue makes a mortal man weep like a school girl that didn’t get the Barbie she wanted for her birthday. Its Latin root means tasty, and its goodness is painstakingly crafted by virgin angels. Some of you may think I’m referring to beer, but that is because you are foolish and naïve! What I’m referring to is known to mortals as ZIMA! I have the honor of enjoying a Zima every evening at 7:30 pm and two on Monday nights when I watch American Idol. Basically, it is the only beverage that can keep someone as remarkable as the WGB performing the World’s most difficult tasks. Feel free to ask my “technician” Mateo how much I love Zima. He would basically mention how he asked for a sip during my pedicure and I screamed, “Are you freaking kidding me!?” before striking him with a partially eaten, genetically altered, super-sized chicken drumstick. So what if it’s 110 degrees outside, you don’t see hear me complaining under my umbrella! Bitches!! Now that I think of it, all this talk about Zima makes me crave one more than a pubescent boy craves a J.C. Penny catalog. I’m basically not bragging or anything, but saving Mother Earth from the death grip of humanity is grueling work. However, as long as I have the sweet, bubbly flavor of Zima to quench my thirst, I can perform awe-inspiring feats and single-handedly save the Earth from certain doom!

Earth Day

As you may or may not know, I'm basically a vegetarian except when in comes to Earth's most delicious resource: chicken drumsticks. Everything I do lessens my impact on the Earth, in fact by staying relatively immobile for long periods of time, I use less oxygen, produce less carbon dioxide, and consume less energy. In order to save our beloved Earth, I long ago made the decision that my only mode of transportation would be bicycle or canoe. In fact, I got to my study site in Paraguay, where as you may or may not know I study Helmeted Woodpeckers in the tropical rainforests, after two months of constant pedaling and paddling. So I suppose you're basically thinking, where do chicken drumsticks fit in to this awesome committment to the Earth's resources? Well, what I didn't mention is that I only eat drumsticks from organically raised and genetically engineered 6-legged chickens. Basically, this means that it takes 3-times fewer chickens to satiate my appetite for chicken flesh. It's hard maintaining my overwhelming committment to the Earth, but basically, you're welcome.