Reader Question 1

Leroy Bartholomew Brackworth IV from [didn't give his freaking town, list your town people] writes:

"I have been following your blog since its creation consider you a scientific god. I have thought for several months now that there is no greater honor I can bestow upon you than to get a tattoo in your honor. What do you think I should get?"

Well Leroy, you are correct that I am basically a scientific god. However, since the statue incident, I'm hesitant to recommend that anyone depict me in any way, it just can't live up to the real thing. Why don't you get yourself something cool? Now, as you may or may not know, a lot of people who get tattoos are trying to look tough and will suggest you get a skull or an anchor or a dragon or a dragon eating a skull and carrying an anchor. But I say get something that you like that represents you. That's what I did with my tattoo. People tried to get me to conform to societal standards of manliness and such, but when you're a stud like me, you do your own thing.

Publishing hassles

Basically, publishing is such a hassle. You have to deal with a plethora of weak-minded fools who fail to appreciate your brilliance, and are such a stickler for supposed "conventions" that people typically follow when they publish, like using citations or reading other papers. Recently I have been trying to get my work into a very high-profile journal (Woodpeckers at some Paraguayan sites [WASPS]) but have been burdened with constant unnecessary red tape that stands in my way.

For example, everyone at WASPS is such a stickler for citations on statements verifying such and such has been published and where such and such got published. Can't they just realize I know what I'm talking about? Last week I wrote a great paper on the woodpeckers that pound on my house when I try to nap that I was going to send to Ornithologica Paraguayae, but before I could save it, the power went off. I cited it in the WASPS paper anyway. I wrote it, and it had some totally good stuff in there, so I just wrote it up as a citation. I can't be bothered to make sure all of my publications are "real". I can see how that is necessary for lesser biologists who may not be smart enough to think for themselves, but I shouldn't really need facts to backup my statements, they're just obviously correct because I know what I'm talking about. Citations are so worthless. That goes for THE Citations too, man they annoy me.



In fact, why should I be forced to read lesser papers? Why do I even need to cite other people's work, it's basically pointless when I already know everything. I abhor reading, and when someone sends me an email, I generally don't read it. What could they possibly have to tell me that I don't already know? Besides, reading is boring and tiring, if you really want to communicate something to me, you should just send me a picture. So why on earth would I read some crap that somebody else wrote? When I write a paper, I generally, to supplement the citations of real and hypothetical papers that I have written/may have written/will never write/could write if I cared, just skim the titles of papers that others have written, and include those if they seem potentially relevant. That's basically good enough to appease the so called "citation police". After all, reading other people's work is just a waste of time when you're the kind of person who has been immortalized with a statue.

Indecency

My followers,

I have news regarding the statue that was created in my image and, understandably, basically failed to live up to that.

You see, Ursula was disturbed at the shocking level of nudity that was basically a shock. Who ever heard of a statue of a naked person?

So Ursula has remedied that situation, as you can see below. Naturally, I can see how some people would be shocked by a portrayal of something that large, so it's probably for the best that it's covered up.

Furthermore, many of you astute readers have emailed me regarding the basically shocking baby-kicking. I will admit, I was basically shocked that I was baby-kicking as well. So we have also remedied that.

As you may or may not be aware of, I am someone who is basically very sensitive and aware of the needs and feelings of others. So thusly, I hope that with the new additions to the statue, the aforementioned statue will now not cause anyone any anguish or embarrassment. Ursula has recently also contacted the Louvre. I bought her a plane ticket to France with my research funds, and as we speak, she is headed there with a shipment of underpants and sheets so that no person in this great and sensitive world will ever suffer offense.

Monstrosity

As you undoubtedly may or may not recall from my earlier post, other scientists that are in awe of my amazing biological skills and knowledge saw fit to honour my achievements with a statue. Well, it is with mixed feelings that I announce the completion of the aforementioned shrine to my undeniable superiority. Basically, I commanded Rogelio to supervise this aforementioned important undertaking to ensure that it does justice to my commitment to the cradle of life that we call my beloved Earth. Obviously, it would be very difficult, nay impossible, for any mortal being to capture this aforementioned dedication in a mere work of art. Despite me being among the most modest people on the planet, I’m sure you can imagine the anticipation with which I have awaited being immortalized as the greatest living biologist. Well, here’s the statue.


ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!!! What in the hell is this?!? Needless to say, I feel betrayed, deceived, and let down by this pitiful excuse for an immortalization. All I see is a freaky looking naked dude with a bunch of babies! Rogelio assures me that this disgusting piece of filth is meant to represent my strength and virility while displaying me balancing humanity against its own senseless destruction. I guess it’s hard to argue with that. Nonetheless, the nudity troubles me; it looks like I’m being attacked by naked babies! I think it may take more than $30,000 to properly secure my legacy. In the meantime, I think I’ll use the hired help to make sure that my statue remains unfettered by the tyranny of dirt and grime. If I’m standing naked in the park punting a baby, at least I’ll be clean while I’m doing it.