Dissertation Completion

One thing to understand about prison, in case you have not been incarcerated, is that you basically have a lot of time on your hands.  Depending on your cellmate, perhaps you’ll spend considerable time on both hands and knees, but that’s another story.  When I was on the outside, much of my exceptional effort was placed on saving the Earth and its beautiful creatures including but not limited to, but mostly, the Helmeted Woodpecker.  Captive confinement curtailed my direct involvement in Earth-saving activities, so I basically had to direct my efforts toward other undertakings including but not limited to instituting a shiv recycling program, creating a prison-constrained protocol laminating system, not dropping the soap, and of course, Ultimate Frisbee.

Outside of these pursuits, I basically found time to finish my dissertation.  I completed the defence for the aforementioned dissertation as a series of 30-minute non-conjugal visits with my “advisor” and other committee members including, and limited to, Tzar Pickfit, Gip Chirpor, and a “neighbor” from my cellblock that everyone called Esteban Estupendo… or was it Esteban Estupido?…  basically, whatever, but he basically had a Ph.D. and was basically eligible for adjunct faculty status in my graduate programme. 

 If you’re lucky, I’ll undoubtedly give you more details about the aforementioned dissertation in a future post.

Betrayal

First of all, my sincerest apologies for leaving you in a time of great need. I understand that you have basically been checking for new posts each hour for the past year, but due to circumstances beyond my control I have been unable to provide you with my inspirational leadership. As you likely undoubtedly recall, I left you during the pinnacle of my Earth-saving operation, around the time of my historic near-simultaneous implementation of two protocols, PORN (Procurement Of Rapacious Night-monkeys) and POOP (Procurement Of Owl-monkey Parts) which, through what I like to refer to as “international trade”, were intended to finance the search process outlined in the heralded HERPIES protocol. Well, what I refer to as “international trade” is referred to by some as “illegal trafficking of wildlife parts.” They were basically splitting hairs, but to make a long story short I spent a year in a Paraguayan prison. I had trusted Carl to help implement these protocols, but alas he basically betrayed me. Looks like Carl won’t be getting a good recommendation. If anyone is looking for a field technician, don’t hire Carl, he may or may not get you put in prison.

 As you may or may not know, the Earth persisted during my hiatus, undoubtedly obviously the result of the many efforts that I have previously put in place in the past. Most importantly and obviously the result of my pioneering efforts in monkey control, the Helmeted Woodpecker most likely persists. You’re welcome.  As I will basically detail in upcoming updates, a lot has happened in the past year. Being in prison basically renewed my commitment to Earth saving, and HERPIES has a whole new meaning to me. Carl’s insane jealousy and desire to hijack my Earth-saving operation has slowed us down, but I’m back and will continue to single-handedly prevent Earth’s needless destruction. 

An Ingenious Plan

My selfless quest to save the Helmeted Woodpecker from certain destruction at the hands of out-of-control monkeys is progressing nicely. I realize that my previous order to kill all monkeys may have gone a bit overboard. Basically, to more-or-less narrow things down significantly, I’m proud to announce the announcement of a new and freshly laminated protocol: Procurement Of Owl-monkey Parts (POOP). Obviously, this is largely, if not entirely, based on Samuel’s description of his friend’s description of the monkey observed possibly robbing a woodpecker nest of its precious and irreplaceable contents.

For logistical reasons, I’ve placed the success of the aforementioned protocols in the soft and able hands of my technician Carl. Basically, as you may or may not recall, Carl came to this country from China and brought numerous members of his podiatrically inclined family. As you may or may not basically realize from the name of said protocol, it involves capturing and dispatching of Owl-monkeys, then basically inserting testicles, gall bladders, and other assorted valuable body parts into condoms or balloons and ingesting aforementioned condoms or balloons prior to departure for China. For those that don’t die from unfortunate intestinal blockages, the proceeds from the sale of aforementioned monkey parts will be used to fund the interview process associated with my newly laminated HERPIES protocol. An opportunity to simultaneously save the Helmeted Woodpecker and contribute to overall Earth-saving is rare, but it’s probably not surprising that I’ve thought of it.

Murderous Marauding Monkeys

Enough with the freaking monkey questions! Are you freaking kidding me?!? Did you not read about my historic enacting of the HERPIES protocol?!? The dead monkeys were delivered to Samuel, the local butcher. Obviously, he grinds the aforementioned primates and includes the meat as fillers for ground beef and various sausages whilst exporting various organs via Chinese smugglers.

This is important because the aforementioned monkey meat offsets the horrendous environmental impacts of the Paraguayan beef industry. Also, basically, Samuel recently informed me that the reason we’re having no luck finding Helmeted Woodpecker nests is because of monkey overpopulation. He went on to explain that he knows someone who saw a monkey raiding a woodpecker nest. Obviously, I can’t just stand by and watch these murderous marauding monkeys drive the most glorious creature on this planet to its demise. To stop these pugnacious primates, I’ve ordered all members of my crew to trap or kill every monkey they encounter such that they can be delivered to Samuel. Saving the Earth is sometimes an insalubrious job, but I’m obviously the only person qualified for the aforementioned task.