Apprehendification

There basically appears to be some questions related to the circumstances under which I reenrolled in a Paraguayan prison after the period of time that I had decided to take a break from the aforementioned prison. As you may or may not recall, but likely do recall, the reason that I decided to go to prison in the first place was related to my former technician, Carl, and his twisting of “facts” related to “trafficking” monkey parts.  If you’re looking for a good volunteer, even one that is basically willing to pay to volunteer as part of your Earth saving operation, do not hire Carl.  He may or may not get you arrested if you happen to be a fugitive from “justice.”

You undoubtedly may or may not also recall that during my brief incarcerational recess, I enlisted the support of my therapist Dwight, who basically also happened to be my brother.  Dwight was basically exhibiting erratic behavior at a time when there was a serial rapist on the loose.  Some had basically suggested that rather than a therapist, perhaps Dwight was the rapist. 

Well, I basically mentioned that Dwight had been giving therapy to law enforcement officials.  Basically, Dwight lied to me. The aforementioned law enforcement personnel suspected Dwight of being the serial rapist!! Are you freaking kidding me?!?!  They seemed to think that his hiatuses basically coincided with sexual assaults, and that his glass inhaler wasn’t for medicine, and the scratches covering his entire body were suspicious, and the DNA evidence left at several “crime scenes” somehow “implicated” Dwight…  Long story less long than it could be told if fully explained, there was basically a big raid whereupon the Paraguayan government unleashed a task force such that they could apprehend us and that resulted in the arrest of both the aforementioned Dwight and, given that I had some type of “warrant” for unauthorized leaving of prison, myself as well. 

I basically tried to explain my important work saving the Helmeted Woodpecker from Man’s evil deathgrip of destructive mayhem.  They didn’t care!! Are you freaking kidding me?!?!  They didn’t even care that they were basically jeopardizing the potential existence of the Helmeted Woodpecker, possibly even threatening it with extinction.  I know you were responsible Carl, and although I will answer factual questions related to your past employment if asked, as I may or may not be bound by law, I will NEVER give you a glowing recommendation.  

Carl's Re-Re-Discovery

It has basically been a rough couple of weeks. As you may or may not be able to tell based on my increased focus on Carl, Dwight has basically more or less undoubtedly disappeared again.  However, this may basically be a fortunate, if not fateful, coincidence, perhaps even destiny, and lucky destiny at that.  Were it not for the aforementioned disappearance I basically wouldn’t have fortuitously rediscovered Carl.  I basically singlehandedly made this important discovery earlier this week when Mateo informed me that I should watch the U.S. Presidential Debate as there was someone in the audience that basically “looked like” Carl. 

I basically singlehandedly confirmed that the squirrel-suited Asian man in the audience at the aforementioned debate was in fact Carl.  While it’s basically common knowledge that many Asians look the same, and that many of them wear squirrel costumes, I have no doubt that this was Carl.  Obviously, my refusal to provide him with a positive recommendation has led to his continued employment as an audience member at various U.S. political events.  Rather than immediately reinvoking the AIDS protocol, I decided to wait.  We will basically spring our trap at the third, and final, 2012 U.S. Presidential Debate.  It’s time to pay for your crimes against Earth, Carl.

Seriously Carl? Seriously?

As you may or may not recall, Carl, my former technician that was basically singlehandedly responsible for my unfair and heretofore unprecedented incarceration, has basically been on the run for a few months, if not weeks.  We recently discovered Carl hiding in the U.S. where he was hired as a token Asian at the Republican National Convention, but he escaped before our apprehension team could properly implement our newly laminated AIDS protocol.  Well now, Carl is basically trying to kill me.

A monkey assassin?!?  Are you freaking kidding me?!?!  That’s great Carl, you know damned well that I’ve involuntarily emptied my bladder at the sight of firearms ever since “the incident” and that your gun-toting gibbon would never get past my security detail and intricate system of metal detectors that were put in place specifically to prevent the aforementioned involuntary urination.  We’re done playing games Carl, we will track you down and I will never give you a good recommendation.  

Found!

I basically wish that Dwight would wake up. As you may or may not know, he’s been sleeping since returning from his brief hiatus, likely because his asthma led him to become very tired such that he descended into a deep sleep.  Without Dwight’s help, I’ve not been able to resist the insatiable desire to seek revenge for the wrong that Carl has done to me. I have it on the great authority of a confidential informant that Carl is in los Estados Unidos de América.  Despite being an illegal immigrant, Carl was basically hired to be the token Asian at the recent Republican National Convention in Tampa, Florida. 

Now that Operation Find Carl has been successful and we’ve found him, it’s time to deploy all of my technicians to the aforementioned Florida such that AIDS may be properly unleashed. You may have found work as a costume model, and as a token Asian, but I WILL NOT GIVE YOU A GOOD RECOMMENDATION!  We’ve got you Carl, it’s time to pay for your unforgivable deeds. 

Have you no dignity Carl?

Well, I basically found Carl. As you may or may not recall, the aforementioned Carl was basically singlehandedly responsible for me spending a year in prison. I’ve been working through my anger at Carl with the help of a therapist, and he made me promise not to talk about Carl anymore such that I may begin the healing process.  Since this aforementioned therapist basically disappeared and has not been seen for the past four days, I have not been able to resist the temptation to mobilize my technicians with a new protocol called “Operation Find Carl.”  I have unveiled this new protocol without yet coming up with a proper acronym, but I assure you that one of the technicians has been assigned to the task of creating an acronym for the aforementioned protocol such that I can communicate about the operation more effectively and concisely without using too many unnecessary words.  I don’t like to brag, but being concise is basically one of my greatest gifts. Anyhow, Carl is working as a costume model in Japan, undoubtedly because of my refusal to give him a positive recommendation in his chosen field. 

Dressing up like a squirrel Carl? Seriously? Those testes don't even look biologically accurate.  Don't you have any dignity?  Now that I know where he is, I can send a team to apprehend him as soon as I come up with an appropriately detailed protocol to accomplish this incredibly important task. 

Why Carl? Why?

Carl, I know you’re out there and I know you’re reading this. You made a huge mistake, and you don’t know who you’re messing with. I don’t know how you could do this to me Carl, do you have any idea what you’ve done to my Earth saving operation?  I thought we were a team.  I’ll never forgive you Carl, and you can't come back, it's too late and you've done too much damage.  I haven’t had any calls yet from prospective employers, but I’m a pretty big deal and I WILL NOT GIVE YOU A GOOD RECOMMENDATION!  I’ll track you down Carl.  I’m watching you.

Healing

Realizing that the past year has basically been a traumatic experience for me, I’ve enlisted the assistance of a professional to help me heal my psychological wounds such that I can resume effortlessly producing the best science on the planet. I’ve invited my brother, Dwight, who is basically a licensed therapist, to join me in Paraguay.

 Obviously, getting past my intense hatred for Carl is the major obstacle we have confronted thus far such that I may resume my Earth-saving activities. I basically did nothing wrong, but Carl betrayed me, proving that he is not a valuable technician. I gave him simple instructions in the form of three perfectly laminated 18-page protocols, and what did he give me?  Prison, that’s what he gave me. But Dwight has helped me realize that I need to get past this, so even though I will not give him a good recommendation, you will hear no more about Carl.

Betrayal

First of all, my sincerest apologies for leaving you in a time of great need. I understand that you have basically been checking for new posts each hour for the past year, but due to circumstances beyond my control I have been unable to provide you with my inspirational leadership. As you likely undoubtedly recall, I left you during the pinnacle of my Earth-saving operation, around the time of my historic near-simultaneous implementation of two protocols, PORN (Procurement Of Rapacious Night-monkeys) and POOP (Procurement Of Owl-monkey Parts) which, through what I like to refer to as “international trade”, were intended to finance the search process outlined in the heralded HERPIES protocol. Well, what I refer to as “international trade” is referred to by some as “illegal trafficking of wildlife parts.” They were basically splitting hairs, but to make a long story short I spent a year in a Paraguayan prison. I had trusted Carl to help implement these protocols, but alas he basically betrayed me. Looks like Carl won’t be getting a good recommendation. If anyone is looking for a field technician, don’t hire Carl, he may or may not get you put in prison.

 As you may or may not know, the Earth persisted during my hiatus, undoubtedly obviously the result of the many efforts that I have previously put in place in the past. Most importantly and obviously the result of my pioneering efforts in monkey control, the Helmeted Woodpecker most likely persists. You’re welcome.  As I will basically detail in upcoming updates, a lot has happened in the past year. Being in prison basically renewed my commitment to Earth saving, and HERPIES has a whole new meaning to me. Carl’s insane jealousy and desire to hijack my Earth-saving operation has slowed us down, but I’m back and will continue to single-handedly prevent Earth’s needless destruction.