Welcome to HEWOdome

Basically, as my loyal followers you can all understand the time commitment that is field research! So basically, let me start by stating the obvious, the final round of technician testing has already been completed! I would have updated my blog immediately following the HEWOdome battles, but I became swamped with responsibility. Also, as you may or may not know, the weather was awfully wet and I was forced to delay the “HEWOdome” battles for several weeks due to an issue I had with the original location of the dome. Basically, my original battlefield was swept away by a landslide caused by the explosion of some ordinance that was dropped from a Mig fighter during the all-terrain race. Apparently, a local villager found a missile half buried in the mud near his hut and didn’t tell anyone about it! What an idiot! Well, Carl just happened to be cruising around some muddy fields near this villagers house trying to get a good cell phone signal with the XF3 satellite dish on my Hummer when he basically ran over what he thought was a sleeping/dead/drunk/incapacitated cow. To Carl’s astonishment, it was a bomb. Basically, he came running home and told me about it, but I figured that if it was on this villager’s property then it wasn’t my problem, so I went about my business. Basically, two hours later I hear a boom and a rumble and the next thing I know, the side of the mountain is sliding over my newly constructed arena of death. ARE YOU FREAKIN KIDDING ME!?! So, basically, obviously, I had but one choice . . . build another even better arena of death! The problem was that the best spot other than the one I already had was over an old local cemetery. So, I had to do some more bargaining with the locals and explain to them the situation and how important it was for me to have the “HEWOdome” where I wanted it. I made sure to explain to them how much extra work I would have to do if they didn’t appease me and how inconvenient it would be for me to build the dome somewhere else. I think they eventually grew tired of me talking to them and they settled for a rickshaw with one wheel, my broken A/C unit, and my Martha Stewart Self-Bunionator.

I know what you’re thinking, but I was basically comfortable parting with my Self-Bunionator because I now have Wang et al. to massage my feet. So, I put all of my technicians to work building the “HEWOdome” and had Mitzi order the weaponry. I must say, this was the only time everything went according to plan. The dome was completed in 2 days and Mitzi ordered some very exciting weapons. I also allowed groups to bring 3 weapons of their choosing to make things a bit more challenging and exciting. Basically, the weapons Mitzi bought included a mace, a ballista, a blunderbuss, leg-hold traps, a panzerfaust, a tazer with hooks, an atlatl, a lightsaber, and a rabid owl monkey with a blunderbuss.

The group weapon selection was as follows:
Chinese: Lead-based paint, chopsticks, fortune cookies
Japanese: Samurai sword, Sumo tighty-whities, a camcorder with fannypack
Russians: AK-47, vodka-based Molotov cocktails, a portrait of Vladimir Putin
Mongolians: Recurved bows, fur hats, dried fish

Obviously, basically, this was the bloodiest battle to ever grace Paraguay. The battle began immediately after I gathered all of the potential technicians in the HEWOdome and I was comfortably seated in my elevated, air-conditioned, viewing platform with a Zima in one hand and a genetically modified Zima-basted chicken leg in the other. I can write all day about the ten hour battle royale, but I have a life outside of my research! So, I’ll give you the best highlights I can.
The Chinese and Mongolians seemed particularly aggressive toward one another. The Chinese were throwing cans of lead-based paint at the Mongolians while the Mongols were shooting the Chinese with arrows, which I must say they are very accurate with. There were several Chinese left and they began trying to build some sort of long wall between them and the Mongols, but the Russians, in an attempt to fight off the Japanese, released the rabid owl monkey with its blunderbuss.

Unfortunately for the Chinese, the monkey was insanely accurate with the blunderbuss and wiped them out before they could finish the wall. The Russians, realizing the threat the rabid creature posed to them, bludgeoned it to death with their Putin portrait and then set it on fire with a Molotov cocktail. While the Russians were busy trying to kill the rabid primate, the Japanese were running around in their sumo undies pulling out their camcorders and video-taping themselves destroying the Mongols with samurai swords and tazers. The Mongols did not go lightly though, as they were basically firing the ballista all over the place, destroying most of the dome and several nearby villages. Unfortunately, there was so much smoke that no one could see. We began hearing these horrible screams and explosions coming from what was left of my HEWOdome. Panzerfaust rounds, dried fish, leg-hold traps, and Mongolian yaks were flying everywhere. When the dust settled the only person left standing was Ivanov, a Russian vagabond. In fact, there was no one else even in the dome. It was an awe-inspiring moment, as I realized then that I potentially had one of the greatest HEWO technicians ever created. This period of joy was short lived however, because as I was preparing to present Ivanov with his HEWOdome trophy, a beam from the dome fell down and basically decapitated him like a turkey. Basically, as you could imagine, I was upset for a short while that I was unable to secure such a premium technician, but then I recalled the pleasure of witnessing the battles and was quickly back to sipping Zimas and eating chicken.

Basically, I will be postponing any further technician competitions, as there will be a hiatus in my fieldwork due to my teaching a class at the University of Paraguay. I plan on keeping all of you updated on my professorial progress as I attempt to basically teach a "band of apes" how to pull our precious Earth from the brink of certain destruction. Basically, keep it real my minions. . .

Road to the HEWOdome

Basically, to update everyone, the technician testing is finally underway! The intensive written exam given to all of my potential technicians was, sadly, uneventful, as they all basically failed miserably. This means one of two things; either they are all legally retarded and simply couldn’t understand the questions, or they knew nothing about my publications or my beloved HEWO! ARE YOU FREAKIN KIDDING ME?!? So, I had to develop a new test to eliminate at least some of the technicians that weren’t weeded out by the written exam. Basically, I consulted Ursula and she recommended a new test known as HEWO roulette. To make a short story shorter, HEWO roulette, based loosely on a popular Russian children’s game, effectively eliminated 20% of the potential technicians. Unfortunately for the Japanese, Mongolians, and Chinese, the Russians seemed to be very effective at not getting eliminated playing HEWO roulette, resulting in a disproportionately high number of Russians remaining.


Basically, the next portion of the testing, the PENIS identification program, was also a failure. What I didn’t realize was that most of these immigrants have never even heard of an optometrist, let alone been to one. So basically, they all have horribly insufficient eyesight for HEWO searching; two Mongolians and one Chinese immigrant actually only have one eye! ARE YOU FREAKIN KIDDING ME!?! Anyways, I couldn’t understand what they were saying when they did seem to try and identify a species, due to the language barrier and all. So, I threw out the PENIS program exam and let everyone move on to the next phase of the technician testing; the 72 hour all-terrain race.

As you may or may not know, I allowed each group of potential technicians to use their respective field vehicle to find cases of ZIMA stashed throughout the jungle. This was, up to this point, the most visually exciting portion of the test. The Russians used their Cold War-era Mig Fighter jets, like the ones seen in one of the most awe-inspiring movies of all time, “Top Gun”! The Chinese used their rickshaws, the Japanese used their street racers, and the Mongolians used their yaks.

Basically, the terrain and the denseness of the jungle favored the mobility of the Mongolian yaks more than any other “vehicles”. The Japanese had a particularly difficult time maneuvering through the winding gravel roads and wrecked most of their street racers as a result. The Chinese also had problems with their rickshaws, in that they couldn’t pull them up the steep inclines of the mountains where the ZIMA was stashed. The Russians basically had some serious problems with their Mig Fighter jets. Things got a little out of hand when one of the Russians accidentally dropped some old ordinance on a local village sanctuary. But, I was able to make a peace offering by giving the village elders a headlight from a Japanese street car and the tail of a yak. Basically, I got the impression that the Russians never examined their jets before taking off, as one lost both wheels on takeoff, one’s wing fell off when it gained some altitude, and another dropped both engines as soon as they fired the jets up. As you may or may not know, these Mig pieces of crap are the reason the Russians lost the Cold War and are definitely unfit for intensive HEWO searches. Basically, the final tally for ZIMA cases collected was as follows: Mongolians, 4; Japanese, 1; Chinese, ½; Russians, 0.

Due to inclement weather and the disabling of my central AC unit by a wheel that fell off of one of the Migs, I’ve been forced to postpone the “HEWOdome” for a few days. Basically, this gave me the opportunity to have both my Ursula and my mother flown in to attend the “HEWOdome” technician battles. So, as your esteemed leader, I ask your patience as we all wait for the final technician showdown in the “HEWOdome”. Basically, just do what I plan on doing while waiting for the weather to clear; sip a Zima, eat some Zima-battered chicken legs, have a suite of Chinese migrants massage your feet, and read the most influential book to grace my bookshelf since “Charlotte’s Web”, “Saving the Earth as a Career.”

Let The Games Begin

Basically, as you may or may not know, I recently informed you, my loyal fans, of my “adventures” involving everything from Orientals to equipment purchases. Well, I have basically been placed in a very stressful situation with Mitzi’s “accidental” purchase of not only Wang et al., but of a suite of other potential technicians including Russians, Japanese, and Mongolians! ARE YOU FREAKIN KIDDING ME?!? If Mitzi wasn’t so skilled at organizing paperwork that I can’t be bothered with, she surely wouldn’t be breathing the same air as I am! So, basically I am now forced to develop a protocol for weeding out the weak technicians so only the strong will serve as my minions. After thinking long and hard about what can be done and asking Ursula what type of protocol I should develop to deal with this outrageous situation, I developed the “HEWOdome” technician test. Obviously, basically the most physically and mentally challenging potential HEWO technician interview process ever devised! Basically, to answer the question I know you all are thinking, yes, the “HEWOdome” technician test is loosely based on the 1985 hit movie titled “Thunderdome” starring Tina Turner and Mel Gibson. It is basically Ursula’s favorite movie ever of all time and so to honor my sun-goddess, I based my technician test protocol on this box office smash.

Basically, my “HEWOdome” test will involve 28 straight hours of written exams covering everything from my life history and the information contained in my few, but invaluable publications to the ecology and evolutionary history of the HEWO. I also intend to utilize a new bird identification program called Practical Eyesight Nectotron for Identification of Species; PENIS for short. Bascially, what PENIS does is it rapidly displays a series of 100 pictures of different bird species in under 1 minute, about 6 inches from the face of the person being examined. The person must then correctly identify as many species as possible. Those with the highest score will then move on to the next phase of testing. Following will be a 72 hour all-terrain race using their respective field “vehicles”. One major component of this race is the acquisition of a case of ZIMA I have hidden at various locations in the jungle. The persons to bring back the most cases of ZIMA will move on to the final showdown; a fight-to-the-death in the “HEWO Dome”. I will introduce various weapons into the arena to see how the potential technicians deal with novel tools and stressful field-like situations. Basically, I only have money to support 7 technicians, so unfortunately most will basically have to perish in the “HEWOdome”. Some of you may be thinking, why can you not hire everyone? You received the largest grant known to humans to study HEWOs! Well basically, to answer this silly question, it’s because I don’t want everyone. I want the best of the best, not some illegals shipped over on a cargo barge that wouldn’t know a HEWO from the nutsack of a mountain gorilla. It may hurt some of you to know this, but my type of research is not for everyone. In actuality, I am truly the only human that can do it properly. Everyone else’s feeble attempts at scientific greatness basically, obviously, lack merit. So, it is left to me to make the world a better place for everyone. . .