Proper Field Attire

Basically, since through my astute powers of observation I discovered that Juanita is actually a man, I now have some new options for saving the HEWO. As you may or may not know, the field is no place for a woman. Basically, it is for this reason that I hired Juanita as a personal assistant and would never have considered sending her out into the field. Well, things basically change and a great biologist and field commander such as myself has to adapt to this changing workscape. Given the new priority of ensuring that my new statue adequately portrays my masculinity and importance, I basically decided to re-assign Rogelio to supervising the sculptor of the aforementioned statue. Therefore, I decided to send Juanita out into the field with Mateo to collect my data. Although this requires much sacrifice on my part, I am basically willing to dial my satellite phone, sharpen my protocol-writing pencils, get my own Zima, clean my loofahs, and maintain the protocol laminator myself for a few days while we await my statue, to take one for the team so to speak. Basically, for Juanita to work in the field, “her” usual attire of miniskirt and fishnet stockings are basically not going to be appropriate, so I ordered Rogelio to inform Juanita of what would be considered suitable for field conditions. Because I’m basically not awake when the technicians leave for the field in the morning, I did not see the aforementioned attire when Juanita left for the first day in the field. You can basically imagine my surprise at the end of the next day when Juanita and Mateo returned and Juanita was wearing assless chaps! Are you freaking kidding me?!? Juanita was sitting in MY swan boat wearing assless chaps?!? Mateo described this as a problem of translation between myself, Juanita, and Rogelio. Basically, I’m not so sure about this and am starting to question Rogelio’s commitment to the project. Once this statue is done, I may have to make some tough decisions.

Crisis

So basically, after doing what I thought was a very beneficial thing toward helping me single-handedly save the Earth, I’ve discovered that I may have made a huge mistake. During a recent three-hour phone conversation with Ursula, I mentioned that I had hired a personal assistant. Initially, Ursula seemed pleased that I was one step closer to having everyone in the world take orders from me. “What’s his name?” she said, to which I replied “Basically, her name is Juanita.” Little did I know that the aforementioned conversation would descend into a jealousy enraged shouting match. Basically, Ursula pointed out the very important fact that it is physically impossible for women not to find me attractive, with which I could not disagree, and that I am therefore forbidden from hiring female workers. Because I basically thought that Ursula raised a very important point, I decided that I should leave immediately for Slovenia to apologize to Ursula in person.

Personal Assistant

Basically, I’ve made a very important decision and want to share the aforementioned decision with you, my loyal protégés. As you may recall from your previous readings and the fact that my actions and my blog are basically probably among the most important things in your life since you don’t have anything as important happening in your life certainly not as important as single-handedly saving the Earth, I currently have two “people” that serve me: Mateo and Rogelio. As you can probably imagine, it’s hard to accomplish the important tasks in which I endeavor to involve myself when my technicians are out in the field collecting my data. What do I do when I’m talking to other, yet lesser, scientists on my satellite phone and I run out of Zima? In the past, I’ve found that the pager system that I had implemented whereby Mateo or Rogelio would return to fetch my beverage have been ineffective to say the least. Similarly, when Mateo and Rogelio are excavating my Land Rover, by definition neither of them are available to shade me with a parasol as I supervise the aforementioned excavation. For these reasons, I’ve decided to hire a personal assistant to have the privilege of taking care of these tasks. Basically, I was considering giving someone this opportunity recently when I was in town buying chicken drumsticks and I happened to encounter a young lady on the street who was apparently seeking employment. Although Juanita does not speak any English, I basically showed her a few guaranies, which as you probably do not know is basically a type of money used in Paraguay, and she was willing to come with me, probably because she has heard of my amazing intellect and biological field skills. Over the past few days, I’ve basically been able to order Mateo and Rogelio to teach Juanita the valuable skills and English words that she’ll need to help me save the planet. In addition to fetching Zima, dialing my satellite phone, and holding my parasol, Juanita’s main duties include sharpening my protocol-writing pencils, maintaining the lamination machine for aforementioned protocols, washing my loofahs with successively smaller loofahs, and polishing the hand trowels.

PDA

As you may or may not know, protecting the Earth is very important to me and, although I’m basically doing it singlehandedly, I do have the help of my Sun-Goddess, my life partner, Ursula. Obviously, Ursula means little bear which does in many ways describe Ursula’s hirsute appearance, but it also describes her fierce and strong behaviour in the sack if you know what I mean. Some people basically think that I divulge too much information about my relationship, but who wouldn’t want to hear about my amazing sexual conquests? Ursula makes me wear a ball gag, does that make you uncomfortable? My advice to you: grow up and learn to observe a healthy and normal relationship without jealousy.

Obviously, when two people are meant for each other as much as me and my sweet Sun-Goddess Ursula, some people will doubt and try to sabotage our love. As you may or may not know, some people have used the word “codependent” to describe our relationship. Is it wrong that I talk to Ursula on my satellite phone for three hours every day? Do the math, that’s only one-sixth of a day! And my research grant pays for it anyway. Since Ursula lives in Slovenia, we only see each other once a month and, during each rendezvous, we have to basically fit in enough public groping, cuddling, and necking to make up for the three-week groping deficit. Obviously, I’ve lived on our beloved Earth for over three decades, but Ursula’s very presence causes me to degenerate into a hormone-enraged middle-school-style groping frenzy. People that basically don’t do the same thing clearly don’t care about each other. Basically, some people that are basically jealous of our relationship wonder how I can simultaneously save the Earth and have the time and money to fly to Slovenia once per month. As you may or may not know, a flight from Paraguay to Slovenia can cost in excess of $2000, so how can I justify charging that much money to my research project every month? And doesn’t the excessive fuel consumption of the airline industry contribute to the senseless destruction of our planet? Those are stupid questions. You should basically know that, in order to both save money and save Earth, I actually pick up aluminum cans along the way, cash those in for money and help clean Earth’s beautiful land and waterways. Sure this takes longer, but I give Mateo and Rogelio plenty of work to do while I’m gone and it’s no small price to pay for saving the Earth. You're welcome.