An Ingenious Plan

My selfless quest to save the Helmeted Woodpecker from certain destruction at the hands of out-of-control monkeys is progressing nicely. I realize that my previous order to kill all monkeys may have gone a bit overboard. Basically, to more-or-less narrow things down significantly, I’m proud to announce the announcement of a new and freshly laminated protocol: Procurement Of Owl-monkey Parts (POOP). Obviously, this is largely, if not entirely, based on Samuel’s description of his friend’s description of the monkey observed possibly robbing a woodpecker nest of its precious and irreplaceable contents.

For logistical reasons, I’ve placed the success of the aforementioned protocols in the soft and able hands of my technician Carl. Basically, as you may or may not recall, Carl came to this country from China and brought numerous members of his podiatrically inclined family. As you may or may not basically realize from the name of said protocol, it involves capturing and dispatching of Owl-monkeys, then basically inserting testicles, gall bladders, and other assorted valuable body parts into condoms or balloons and ingesting aforementioned condoms or balloons prior to departure for China. For those that don’t die from unfortunate intestinal blockages, the proceeds from the sale of aforementioned monkey parts will be used to fund the interview process associated with my newly laminated HERPIES protocol. An opportunity to simultaneously save the Helmeted Woodpecker and contribute to overall Earth-saving is rare, but it’s probably not surprising that I’ve thought of it.

Moronical Musical Monkeys

As much as it pains me to do so, I must basically reject Ursula’s father’s dowry such that I can move on with my life and my mission of saving the Earth. As you may or may not recall from my previous post, the original and basically laughable dowry offered by Ursula’s father, Yuri, consisted of an old dishwasher, blue bowling ball, a bunch of coconuts, and an angry cat. Obviously, this does not recognize my greatness, so I accepted this feeble offering and requested additional gifts to be given in accordance with my dowry supplementation protocol (DSP) such that I could basically accept it. As you may or may not know, my favourite musical act of all time is Milli Vanilli, and I’m also quite fond of monkeys. Basically, my DSP included acquiring a band of native Paraguayan monkeys that, with assorted yet appropriate instruments, attempt to replicate the greatness of Rob and Fab such that I may enjoy the aforementioned sounds whilst saving the Earth and/or receiving foot massages. I thought this would basically be a small thing to ask since he’s a renowned collector of the World’s rarest monkeys.

Do you have any idea what that ignorant son of a goat herder gave me? A band on primates that play Milli Vanilli’s soothing sounds and infectious grooves yet are not native to Paraguay!!! The costumes don’t fool me Yuri, I’m a freaking biologist!

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!? What nerve. Milli Vanilli doesn’t even have acoustic instruments or a saxophone player! So needless to say, obviously, the deal is off. Good riddance Ursula, and I want that owl-monkey-testicle-laden ring back for the next lucky lady that might actually be committed to helping me singlehandedly save the Earth.

Ursula is the luckiest woman in the world!

Basically, as you may or may not remember, Halloween is the most special of special holidays. Never has the day been more exceptional than this past year when, as you may or may not recall, I went, as I do for all important major holidays, to Slovenia to spend this extraordinary day with my Sun-Goddess, Ursula. As we went to the Halloween ball dressed as the two greatest musicians in the history of music or history, Rob and Fab, the two transcendent musical virtuoso geniuses from the band known as Milli Vanilli, I had a surprise in my pocket. Obviously, this isn’t the first time I’ve had a surprise in my pocket for Ursula, as I’m sure she, her goat, and most of her neighbors within a three-block radius can basically tell you, and by that I’m basically referring to my amazing sexual prowess although I don’t like to toot my own horn, although Ursula basically does. I hope I’m not making you uncomfortable, but if I am, that’s just the price you’ll have to pay for being my loyal unquestioning and subservient followers. Because I am a biologist, mentor, and artist, in the interest of pedagogy I have provided a biological diagram of Ursula's goat:

Prior to departing for Slovenia, I had used some of my research funds to commission a local Paraguayan jeweler, Roberto, to make an engagement ring in the form of Kurupi, the Guarani god of sexuality and fertility, out of the petrified testicle of a free-ranging owl monkey. Basically, nothing can better symbolize our love and commitment for one another. Not only did he make the aforementioned ring that I would later bestow upon my almost-sole-reason for living, Ursula, he also made me a matching ring that he said was of “Jasy Jetere” god of the siesta, whatever that means, out of the owl monkey’s baculum, whatever that is.

As we left for the aforementioned party, me with the extra testicle in my pocket, I was giddy. I couldn’t wait for that special moment to arrive, that moment of pure ecstasy that we had experienced on the dance floor each of the previous two years when our favourite song, “Girl you know it’s true”, was played for our slow dance of the evening. The excitement was almost too much to take. This would be the most important moment of Ursula’s life. I quickly grew impatient and when the song “Blame it on the rain” came on, I briefly lost control and peed a little bit in my pants. I then regained my composure and waited patiently for two more songs after which I approached the DJ, who likely recognized me, and demanded that he play our song. As I walked back toward Ursula, the song came on and our eyes locked across the dance floor, just as they had done two long years before. What happened next was obviously magical. I dropped to one knee and reached into my pocket. All at once, I emptied the rest of my bladder and began to sob uncontrollably. As I kneeled, sobbing and in a pool of my own urine, I began to slowly utter the most profound words to ever leave the mouth of a human being “Will you…” and it was at that point that the sobbing became so uncontrollable that my speech was obstructed by the streams of snot pouring down my face. I continued “Will you…” and then collapsed to the floor where I crouched in the fetal position and lost control of my bowels. As I laid in my own waste incomprehensibly stuttering and shaking uncontrollably, Ursula knelt down and I asked if she would join me in saving the Earth and do me the honour of being my wife and, legally, number one follower. Obviously, she did not feel comfortable answering at that point in time for fear of making all of the other women, men, and hermaphrodites in the room jealous. She assured me that, as is custom in her culture, she would give me an answer after five months while her father attempted to amass a proper dowry, and she made me promise not to tell anyone in the meantime. Well, five months is up, and we’re officially engaged! I’m supposed to find out my dowry tomorrow, and I’m sure a proper Slovenian dowry for the World’s Greatest Biologist will be quite impressive.