Seriously Carl? Seriously?

As you may or may not recall, Carl, my former technician that was basically singlehandedly responsible for my unfair and heretofore unprecedented incarceration, has basically been on the run for a few months, if not weeks.  We recently discovered Carl hiding in the U.S. where he was hired as a token Asian at the Republican National Convention, but he escaped before our apprehension team could properly implement our newly laminated AIDS protocol.  Well now, Carl is basically trying to kill me.

A monkey assassin?!?  Are you freaking kidding me?!?!  That’s great Carl, you know damned well that I’ve involuntarily emptied my bladder at the sight of firearms ever since “the incident” and that your gun-toting gibbon would never get past my security detail and intricate system of metal detectors that were put in place specifically to prevent the aforementioned involuntary urination.  We’re done playing games Carl, we will track you down and I will never give you a good recommendation.  

I have HERPIES...

Even though nobody has specifically asked about my new protocol for replacing my Earth-saving life partner, I’m sure that you’ve been wondering and I thought I may provide some explanation such that you may understand. The HERPIES protocol basically involves a very detailed list of suitable criteria for aforementioned personnel such that the replaced person(s) may fulfill the necessary duties in an adequate and appropriate yet worthwhile way for numerous years, potentially possibly more-or-less indefinitely. Explaining the entire protocol in detail is likely futile, as you basically likely aren’t capable of fully understanding. Nonetheless, I feel obligated to try to dumb it down for you such that you may grasp its importance. Obviously, admiring me and my brazen quest for saving Earth from man’s ungentle donkey punch of destruction is first and foremost on the aforementioned list. A second but possibly equally important qualification is that all people of eastern European descent are automatically disqualified from further consideration. The above aforementioned criteria, along with a strong preference for hirsutism, are basically the guiding principles for HERPIES, and I’m looking forward to Mitzi narrowing the sure-to-be extensive applicant pool in the not-too-distant yet close-to-immediate future. The protocol is laminated, and it’s time to begin. Wish me luck. Basically, Earth’s future hangs in the balance.