Blunt-force Trauma

Enough questions about the damned monkeys. Yes, Mateo and Rogelio hid one of the monkeys.They trained the damned thing to use a baseball bat thinking that would deter me from getting rid of it. Are you freaking kidding me?!? Baseball?!? You’re going to insult someone that’s basically the world’s biggest cricket fan by giving this creature a baseball bat?!?

As I was beating that monkey to death with my favourite cricket bat, do you know what that monkey had the nerve to do to my bat? He freaking bit it! That bat was signed by Sir Don Bradman, basically the greatest batsman of all time, and now it’s got monkey tooth marks! So no, I don’t like monkeys anymore. You’ve ruined my life Yuri.

My time is valuable

I lead a very busy life, and it's frequently complicated by people who bother me demanding my time. It's quite understandable, because who wouldn't want to be the recipient of my glorious knowledge and ability?

Lately this guy has been bugging me to finish my part of a paper we started in 1982. My office has sort of accumulated a minor backlog. I'm going to get to it, probably next week.



He had a start on this paper, but once I saw how feebly he was writing it, I decided I better jump in, take over and fix it. It's based off some data from a mist-netting project I led during migration on the coast of Venezuela. The working title is "Horrifically unacceptable mortalities at a banding station: do some birds just have weak necks?".

Anyway lately he has been pitching a fit because I haven't finished my portion of the manuscript. He's as bad as that lady who would never stop complaining because I forgot to feed her cats when she went on sabbatical. I was going to feed her cats the next week, they should have been fine. It's her fault for not leaving them 12 months of food.

Anyway, the reason that manuscript and other priorities will be undoubtedly accomplished next week and not today is due to my demanding schedule. Basically lately I have been quite involved with laying in my hammock and watching cricket. As you may or may not know, my technicians have been involved in an historical reenactment of the 1996 world cup cricket season, which culminated in an historic victory by Sri Lanka.


It is sort of cutting into the time I have to work on that one guy's mortality manuscript, and other important things like field work, getting sloshed on zima, and admiring myself in the mirror, but it's really quite captivating. And really, it's important to have interests in life. I wish other people would take my advice and learn to stop, relax, and smell the roses, rather than being obsessed about a little thing like a manuscript that is 27 years overdue or a house full of dead cats.

The Most Importantest Holiday

Basically, Happy Halloween! As you read this post, I’m on my way to visit Ursula in Slovenia. As you may or may not know, I believe that is very important to spend each and every holiday with my Sun-Goddess. Never is it more important than on this most important of important holidays. I know what you’re thinking, what I am going to be for Halloween? Because you basically want to be the same thing because of your intense admiration for me, trust me, I know what you’re thinking because I have had such a profound influence in shaping your mind. If you were to guess that I am going to be Sir Don Bradman like I have each of the past four years, you’re basically wrong. In honour of the World’s greatest musicians to basically ever musicate on the planet, Ursula and I are dressing up as our mutual favourite group: Milli Vanilli.

Ursula is the Fab to my Rob. We basically met at a Halloween party two years ago, as we were basically dancing independently on opposite sides of the dance floor. As you obviously recall from earlier in this post, I was dressed up as Sir Don Bradman (yes, THE Sir Don Bradman). I knew it was meant to be when we locked eyes across the dance floor and I noticed that she was dressed up as Rachael Heyhoe-Flint, obviously the greatest female cricket player of all time. The song that was playing was “Girl You Know It’s True” by, you guessed it, Milli Vanilli. As you may or may not know from your previous readings, our rock-solid relationship is built on a love of three things: saving the Earth, Zima, and Milli Vanilli. With the recent bad news about Zima, all we’ve got left is Earth and Milli Vanilli. So this Halloween, as we continue to wait patiently for another Milli Vanilli album to be released to the World, we will honour Rob and Fab’s contributions to the musicscape of our Earth and this year, when that special song comes on, I may just have a special question for Ursula.

Cricket

Basically, the only thing that may trump my love for the Earth, my life partner Ursula, and chicken drumsticks is my love of the most amazing sport on the planet, cricket. Beyond saving the planet, phone conversations with the love of my life, and my own personal hygiene needs, the largest proportion of my day is probably basically taken up by managing my fantasy cricket team. Yes, I do have a satellite television with the cricket ticket and I like nothing more than sitting down with an ice-cold Zima and watching an innings or two of my favourite sport. Yes, my bunny Magnum’s middle name is Wicket (Magnum Wicket Greatest-Biologist) and my first bunny’s name, may he rest in peace, was Sir Don Bradman. Yes, obviously after THE Sir Don Bradman the greatest batsman ever. I’m not bragging or anything, but my aforementioned fantasy cricket team is undoubtedly the greatest ever and has the greatest bowler and the most superior nightwatchman AND nightwatchbatperson in the world! How many century scoring players do you have on your team? How many of your players have been called out by a leg-before-wicket? I rest my case.