Nectar of the Gods (and WGBs)!

As most of my lowly servants and colleagues that call themselves “biologists” know, I am basically the hardest working human on planet Earth. A typical day in the life of the WGB consists of waking up (in the morning), checking my email, calling my mother (pre and post Trix® consumption), putting on my socks, getting myself in my “HEWO zone”, telling Mateo to make sure my cell phone is charged, telling Rogelio how stunning my hair looks, and making sure people know who the WGB is and what my mission is all about! Obviously, basically, the aforementioned tasks are performed in addition to my priceless field research. So, you’re probably saying to yourself, “How is the WGB so great, and how can he simultaneously talk to his mother and save our planet?” Basically, the answer lies in my mind-boggling multi-tasking abilities. But, there is one thing that brings me up when I’m down and keeps me going day after day. I am talking about something so delicious and so awesome that the thought of it touching one’s tongue makes a mortal man weep like a school girl that didn’t get the Barbie she wanted for her birthday. Its Latin root means tasty, and its goodness is painstakingly crafted by virgin angels. Some of you may think I’m referring to beer, but that is because you are foolish and naïve! What I’m referring to is known to mortals as ZIMA! I have the honor of enjoying a Zima every evening at 7:30 pm and two on Monday nights when I watch American Idol. Basically, it is the only beverage that can keep someone as remarkable as the WGB performing the World’s most difficult tasks. Feel free to ask my “technician” Mateo how much I love Zima. He would basically mention how he asked for a sip during my pedicure and I screamed, “Are you freaking kidding me!?” before striking him with a partially eaten, genetically altered, super-sized chicken drumstick. So what if it’s 110 degrees outside, you don’t see hear me complaining under my umbrella! Bitches!! Now that I think of it, all this talk about Zima makes me crave one more than a pubescent boy craves a J.C. Penny catalog. I’m basically not bragging or anything, but saving Mother Earth from the death grip of humanity is grueling work. However, as long as I have the sweet, bubbly flavor of Zima to quench my thirst, I can perform awe-inspiring feats and single-handedly save the Earth from certain doom!