A Topiary Essay on the Admonishation of Others

National and international scientific meetings provide the opportunity for other researchers to hear about my ongoing quest to save one of the world’s rarest species from the cold dark vortex of extinction. Indeed, I’m convinced that many of these other researchers wait anxiously for news of my work and the attendance at meetings in which I am scheduled to speak, typically is much higher than it would be if I was not expected to speak. I feel it is only fair that I give them their money’s worth and since, you may or may not know, presentations are generally limited to less than 15 minutes, I try to pack as much into my talk as I can. Basically, I find it useful to use lots of graphs and tables that are shown in a font size that is almost microscopic. In this way I can include mountains of data and information in a single slide. By making use of this novel technique I often have so impressed members of my audience that they cannot help but cry. It is so gratifying to watch as, eyes squinting through streaming tears, they rapturously work to absorb the staggering brilliance before them. Some simply slump, head buried in their hands, not used to showing emotion in public. I also like to use really big words in my talks – I feel it’s important that the audience knows just what kind of intellect they are dealing with. I could simply say that two birds were acting aggressively towards one another but, instead, I prefer to say that they were exhibiting agnostic behavior. I see eyebrows raised as audience members exchange glances and whisper amongst themselves – clearly they are impressed. I decide to lay another one on them when I describe the actions of one of my HEWOs – it didn’t just move from one area to another (too mundane), no, instead I tell them that it transgressed from one area to another. Again, I see eyebrows raised and audience members exchanging glances, whispering amongst themselves. I’ve got them eating out of my hands now!