Basically, the next portion of the testing, the PENIS identification program, was also a failure. What I didn’t realize was that most of these immigrants have never even heard of an optometrist, let alone been to one. So basically, they all have horribly insufficient eyesight for HEWO searching; two Mongolians and one Chinese immigrant actually only have one eye! ARE YOU FREAKIN KIDDING ME!?! Anyways, I couldn’t understand what they were saying when they did seem to try and identify a species, due to the language barrier and all. So, I threw out the PENIS program exam and let everyone move on to the next phase of the technician testing; the 72 hour all-terrain race.
As you may or may not know, I allowed each group of potential technicians to use their respective field vehicle to find cases of ZIMA stashed throughout the jungle. This was, up to this point, the most visually exciting portion of the test. The Russians used their Cold War-era Mig Fighter jets, like the ones seen in one of the most awe-inspiring movies of all time, “Top Gun”! The Chinese used their rickshaws, the Japanese used their street racers, and the Mongolians used their yaks.
Basically, the terrain and the denseness of the jungle favored the mobility of the Mongolian yaks more than any other “vehicles”. The Japanese had a particularly difficult time maneuvering through the winding gravel roads and wrecked most of their street racers as a result. The Chinese also had problems with their rickshaws, in that they couldn’t pull them up the steep inclines of the mountains where the ZIMA was stashed. The Russians basically had some serious problems with their Mig Fighter jets. Things got a little out of hand when one of the Russians accidentally dropped some old ordinance on a local village sanctuary. But, I was able to make a peace offering by giving the village elders a headlight from a Japanese street car and the tail of a yak. Basically, I got the impression that the Russians never examined their jets before taking off, as one lost both wheels on takeoff, one’s wing fell off when it gained some altitude, and another dropped both engines as soon as they fired the jets up. As you may or may not know, these Mig pieces of crap are the reason the Russians lost the Cold War and are definitely unfit for intensive HEWO searches. Basically, the final tally for ZIMA cases collected was as follows: Mongolians, 4; Japanese, 1; Chinese, ½; Russians, 0.
Due to inclement weather and the disabling of my central AC unit by a wheel that fell off of one of the Migs, I’ve been forced to postpone the “HEWOdome” for a few days. Basically, this gave me the opportunity to have both my Ursula and my mother flown in to attend the “HEWOdome” technician battles. So, as your esteemed leader, I ask your patience as we all wait for the final technician showdown in the “HEWOdome”. Basically, just do what I plan on doing while waiting for the weather to clear; sip a Zima, eat some Zima-battered chicken legs, have a suite of Chinese migrants massage your feet, and read the most influential book to grace my bookshelf since “Charlotte’s Web”, “Saving the Earth as a Career.”
Posts
