Crisis

So basically, after doing what I thought was a very beneficial thing toward helping me single-handedly save the Earth, I’ve discovered that I may have made a huge mistake. During a recent three-hour phone conversation with Ursula, I mentioned that I had hired a personal assistant. Initially, Ursula seemed pleased that I was one step closer to having everyone in the world take orders from me. “What’s his name?” she said, to which I replied “Basically, her name is Juanita.” Little did I know that the aforementioned conversation would descend into a jealousy enraged shouting match. Basically, Ursula pointed out the very important fact that it is physically impossible for women not to find me attractive, with which I could not disagree, and that I am therefore forbidden from hiring female workers. Because I basically thought that Ursula raised a very important point, I decided that I should leave immediately for Slovenia to apologize to Ursula in person.

Personal Assistant

Basically, I’ve made a very important decision and want to share the aforementioned decision with you, my loyal protégés. As you may recall from your previous readings and the fact that my actions and my blog are basically probably among the most important things in your life since you don’t have anything as important happening in your life certainly not as important as single-handedly saving the Earth, I currently have two “people” that serve me: Mateo and Rogelio. As you can probably imagine, it’s hard to accomplish the important tasks in which I endeavor to involve myself when my technicians are out in the field collecting my data. What do I do when I’m talking to other, yet lesser, scientists on my satellite phone and I run out of Zima? In the past, I’ve found that the pager system that I had implemented whereby Mateo or Rogelio would return to fetch my beverage have been ineffective to say the least. Similarly, when Mateo and Rogelio are excavating my Land Rover, by definition neither of them are available to shade me with a parasol as I supervise the aforementioned excavation. For these reasons, I’ve decided to hire a personal assistant to have the privilege of taking care of these tasks. Basically, I was considering giving someone this opportunity recently when I was in town buying chicken drumsticks and I happened to encounter a young lady on the street who was apparently seeking employment. Although Juanita does not speak any English, I basically showed her a few guaranies, which as you probably do not know is basically a type of money used in Paraguay, and she was willing to come with me, probably because she has heard of my amazing intellect and biological field skills. Over the past few days, I’ve basically been able to order Mateo and Rogelio to teach Juanita the valuable skills and English words that she’ll need to help me save the planet. In addition to fetching Zima, dialing my satellite phone, and holding my parasol, Juanita’s main duties include sharpening my protocol-writing pencils, maintaining the lamination machine for aforementioned protocols, washing my loofahs with successively smaller loofahs, and polishing the hand trowels.

Excavation protocols

As you may or may not know, my inept technicians basically got the land rover stuck. Therewith, we must excavate the landrover in the most effortant and speedacious manner possible. I have created a laminated schematic which details aformentioned excavatiousition protocol. It's really self explanatory. As you can see, instead of the dodecahedron, I decided to add several more facets to the shape.This way, the aformentioned excavatiousition will proceed equally on all sides of the landrover and prevent a cave-in. And let me tell you, as someone who routinely needs to dig stuff out that I've gotten stuck, basically, not to brag, but I'm pretty good at preventing cave-ins. It's just an intuitive sense I have. People have tried to tell me that this is overly complicated, but they don't know how hard you have to work to prevent cave-ins. And I definitely do. So, looking at my schematic, you want to dig along the lines east and north of the blue sides on tuesdays, thursdays, and anytime after 6 PM. But on mondays, fridays, sundays, sundays, and saturdays, you want to dig perpendicularly to the red, chartreuse and salmon-colored sectors, unless it's raining. The green section will need to be dug with the floral-patterned trowels, and only while wearing officially-sanctioned digging headwear and underpants. It's basically very easy. But I'm sure my technicans will somehow screw it up.

Cricket

Basically, the only thing that may trump my love for the Earth, my life partner Ursula, and chicken drumsticks is my love of the most amazing sport on the planet, cricket. Beyond saving the planet, phone conversations with the love of my life, and my own personal hygiene needs, the largest proportion of my day is probably basically taken up by managing my fantasy cricket team. Yes, I do have a satellite television with the cricket ticket and I like nothing more than sitting down with an ice-cold Zima and watching an innings or two of my favourite sport. Yes, my bunny Magnum’s middle name is Wicket (Magnum Wicket Greatest-Biologist) and my first bunny’s name, may he rest in peace, was Sir Don Bradman. Yes, obviously after THE Sir Don Bradman the greatest batsman ever. I’m not bragging or anything, but my aforementioned fantasy cricket team is undoubtedly the greatest ever and has the greatest bowler and the most superior nightwatchman AND nightwatchbatperson in the world! How many century scoring players do you have on your team? How many of your players have been called out by a leg-before-wicket? I rest my case.

Update dose

Rogelio was not very appreciative of my generosity. I guess he didn't like his swan boat, because he threw my Zima into a pipe that ran underneath the road. It was a very narrow pipe, but I have a very large manly body, and unfortunately, my quest for the Zima resulted in a slight trip to the ER. But the doctors basically cut the pipe off my head, and I should be back vacationing with my sun goddess working hard in the field tomorrow.

Update oohno

As you may or may not know, Rogelio was bitching about having to swim alongside my canoe, so I basically got him a watercraft of his own at a yard sale:

PDA

As you may or may not know, protecting the Earth is very important to me and, although I’m basically doing it singlehandedly, I do have the help of my Sun-Goddess, my life partner, Ursula. Obviously, Ursula means little bear which does in many ways describe Ursula’s hirsute appearance, but it also describes her fierce and strong behaviour in the sack if you know what I mean. Some people basically think that I divulge too much information about my relationship, but who wouldn’t want to hear about my amazing sexual conquests? Ursula makes me wear a ball gag, does that make you uncomfortable? My advice to you: grow up and learn to observe a healthy and normal relationship without jealousy.

Obviously, when two people are meant for each other as much as me and my sweet Sun-Goddess Ursula, some people will doubt and try to sabotage our love. As you may or may not know, some people have used the word “codependent” to describe our relationship. Is it wrong that I talk to Ursula on my satellite phone for three hours every day? Do the math, that’s only one-sixth of a day! And my research grant pays for it anyway. Since Ursula lives in Slovenia, we only see each other once a month and, during each rendezvous, we have to basically fit in enough public groping, cuddling, and necking to make up for the three-week groping deficit. Obviously, I’ve lived on our beloved Earth for over three decades, but Ursula’s very presence causes me to degenerate into a hormone-enraged middle-school-style groping frenzy. People that basically don’t do the same thing clearly don’t care about each other. Basically, some people that are basically jealous of our relationship wonder how I can simultaneously save the Earth and have the time and money to fly to Slovenia once per month. As you may or may not know, a flight from Paraguay to Slovenia can cost in excess of $2000, so how can I justify charging that much money to my research project every month? And doesn’t the excessive fuel consumption of the airline industry contribute to the senseless destruction of our planet? Those are stupid questions. You should basically know that, in order to both save money and save Earth, I actually pick up aluminum cans along the way, cash those in for money and help clean Earth’s beautiful land and waterways. Sure this takes longer, but I give Mateo and Rogelio plenty of work to do while I’m gone and it’s no small price to pay for saving the Earth. You're welcome.

Mud

My studs and studettes, I have bad news. My personal 2-wheel drive land rover has basically succumbed to the quicksand, at least for now. Let me regale you with news of its passing, which, as you may or may not know, involves the incompetent parade of nitwits that pass for my technicians.

I was basically out driving across my neighbor's farm field with my land rover. I know my land rover does not save the earth as much as walking or taking my $12,000 canoe, but I had a mighty thirst for Zima that day, and we simply could not carry the Zima and field supplies and my emergency duffel of loofahs (for when I get mud on my face). So we set out for the field in the dead of night. We have to travel in the dead of night because I promised my neighbors I wouldn't tear up their farm fields. Ha! I don't think they've caught on yet. (It's been really windy though, and rocks keep falling from the cliff and breaking the windows of my land rover. Rogelio suggested the neighbors might not like me driving through their only patch of land that they use for their subsistence farming, and perhaps are throwing rocks at my two-wheel-drive land rover while I am not looking. However, not to brag or anything, but I have a B.S. in rockology, and I know that sometimes rocks fall from the cliff by my house.) But I digress. So we tore through the neighbor's pathetic little farm, when we got to a muddy spot. I made Mateo take off all his clothes and lay them in front of the land rover so that the tires didn't get dirty, and we drove across that one. But then there was another muddy spot that came up. Mateo suggested we turn around because it looked deep, but he's a pansy little girl like that. I said just to gun it and cranked up the Milli Vanilli and rocked out in the passenger seat. He must have gunned it wrong though, because we suddenly found ourselves in 5 feet of mud and sinking. Stupid Mateo, it was all his fault, that's the last time I let him drive. You can imagine my horror, because the land rover was basically incredibly muddy and relatively underwater. I am sure we will dig it out though, I have diverted my technicians to spend the next week digging for the land rover. I got them new hand trowels so that they do not scratch the land rover by digging too much at once, and have designed a special protocol, which directs the digging perpendicularly around the lines of a dodecahedron. It is sure to work.

Shambles

Basically, as I have returned from my aforementioned trip to Slovenia, I have now had time to assess the damage done by my “technicians.” While it is true that the aforementioned hired help collected more data than when I was present and no one died, they had the nerve to change my protocols! How dare they question my supreme knowledge and superior intuition?!? So basically, we might not collect as much “data” when I’m around, but it is important that what we do collect is done using MY protocols. As an important scientist, I feel it is my duty to impart my wisdom on these lesser biologists and correct their “efficient” methods. Get this, when I basically attempted to help these minions, Rogelio dared to question why I would leave the country for five weeks during the middle of my field season!?! That‘s what Mateo and Rogelio are here for!

Basically, I don’t need to explain myself but I basically will just so you understand where I’m coming from. Because of the pressures and responsibility associated with single-handedly saving the Earth, I have to be apart from my Sun-goddess, Ursula, for often weeks at a time. Ursula, who as you know from your previous readings lives in Slovenia, is without a doubt my life partner and soul mate, my Sun-goddess, and the only person able to understand and relate to my brilliance. Although we share many things in common, I believe our indestructible bond is related to our mutual love of three things: saving the Earth, Zima, and late 80’s pop sensation Milli Vanilli. In fact, our yearly five-week hiatus always revolves around the annual European Milli Vanilli Tribute Festival that occurs in late May of each year. Is that during my field season? Yes. But we all need to have priorities.

On the labeling of equipment I could otherwise be using

I am basically amazed at the greediness of humankind, particularly the kind of humans who call themselves my co-workers. They have the gall to basically label their possessions and then expect them to basically sit unused in a box while I am out in the field working without aforementioned possessions. Clearly, these people do not understand the value of saving the earth. They get mad at me for no basically reason when I basically borrow said possessions. These people need to get over it. They are not as smart as me, and don't really even deserve to be using this equipment just to conduct their research that is without merit. I'm just going to take some of this stuff, and basically put it to a better use than they could have anyways. They'll basically thank me later.