My New Office

Basically, let me start off by apologizing for not posting updates about my life more frequently. As you all may or may not know, being such a prestigious biologist requires devotion and hard work, which unfortunately, means I must neglect all of you, my loyal minions, from time to time. But, now that I have completed my fieldwork for the year, I shall be posting more frequently.

Basically, this past field season was a complete success. Although my post-capture mortality rate was the same as previous years, HEWOs that had rocket backpack transmitters affixed to them dispersed significantly further than those without rocket transmitters, further supporting their usefulness. In addition, I developed a new method for collecting vegetation data (along with a painstakingly detailed series of protocols outlining its implementation). Basically, I decided that, rather than waste my time collecting data in the heat and humidity of the forest with a bunch of foul smelling technicians, I would bring the vegetation back to my field house where I could collect data in a more comfortable atmosphere. This method work beautifully. How many times have you collected vegetation data while sipping a Zima and eating chicken wings? Exactly!

In other news, upon returning from the field I realized my office was completely unbecoming of a biologist of my stature and decided to send video of my decrepit working conditions to “Extreme Office Makeover: Paraguay Edition.” Not surprisingly, I was selected to have my office made over and after several weeks of alterations, arguments with the construction workers, and several million dollars in additional funding from my grants, I had the office of my dreams.

I even found a bit of money to buy my technicians some office space so they’d stop complaining about the bugs outside and start entering and analyzing some freaking data.

Unfortunately, with improved working conditions comes increased life expectancy and I could not tolerate paying the same technicians for more than one field season, so I had to fire some (a.k.a., trading them to the locals for access to their lands). Before they left they handed me a list of things they "hate" about me. Are you freakin’ kidding me?! After letting them work for me, they felt the need to tell me what they don't like? Basically, as I've always said, when I want their opinion I'll give it to them. Obviously, they are either jealous of my intellectual greatness or are too ignorant to understand that Mother Nature is the most important thing to me, not the their happiness. Basically, the list read something like this:

Top Ten Things We Hate About You

10) Your hair
9) Your unhealthy obsession with chicken wings
8) Your bunions
7) Your belief that we should pay you for allowing us to work with you
6) The only room with air-conditioning being used as a giant cooler for your Zima
5) Your total disregard for the safety of your technicians
4) Your tendency to break or otherwise damage everything you borrow
3) Your blog
2) The 167 protocols you make us memorize
1) “Basically”