My New Office

Basically, let me start off by apologizing for not posting updates about my life more frequently. As you all may or may not know, being such a prestigious biologist requires devotion and hard work, which unfortunately, means I must neglect all of you, my loyal minions, from time to time. But, now that I have completed my fieldwork for the year, I shall be posting more frequently.

Basically, this past field season was a complete success. Although my post-capture mortality rate was the same as previous years, HEWOs that had rocket backpack transmitters affixed to them dispersed significantly further than those without rocket transmitters, further supporting their usefulness. In addition, I developed a new method for collecting vegetation data (along with a painstakingly detailed series of protocols outlining its implementation). Basically, I decided that, rather than waste my time collecting data in the heat and humidity of the forest with a bunch of foul smelling technicians, I would bring the vegetation back to my field house where I could collect data in a more comfortable atmosphere. This method work beautifully. How many times have you collected vegetation data while sipping a Zima and eating chicken wings? Exactly!

In other news, upon returning from the field I realized my office was completely unbecoming of a biologist of my stature and decided to send video of my decrepit working conditions to “Extreme Office Makeover: Paraguay Edition.” Not surprisingly, I was selected to have my office made over and after several weeks of alterations, arguments with the construction workers, and several million dollars in additional funding from my grants, I had the office of my dreams.

I even found a bit of money to buy my technicians some office space so they’d stop complaining about the bugs outside and start entering and analyzing some freaking data.

Unfortunately, with improved working conditions comes increased life expectancy and I could not tolerate paying the same technicians for more than one field season, so I had to fire some (a.k.a., trading them to the locals for access to their lands). Before they left they handed me a list of things they "hate" about me. Are you freakin’ kidding me?! After letting them work for me, they felt the need to tell me what they don't like? Basically, as I've always said, when I want their opinion I'll give it to them. Obviously, they are either jealous of my intellectual greatness or are too ignorant to understand that Mother Nature is the most important thing to me, not the their happiness. Basically, the list read something like this:

Top Ten Things We Hate About You

10) Your hair
9) Your unhealthy obsession with chicken wings
8) Your bunions
7) Your belief that we should pay you for allowing us to work with you
6) The only room with air-conditioning being used as a giant cooler for your Zima
5) Your total disregard for the safety of your technicians
4) Your tendency to break or otherwise damage everything you borrow
3) Your blog
2) The 167 protocols you make us memorize
1) “Basically”

Reader Question 2

Leroy Bartholomew Brackworth IV from Boca Raton, FL, writes:

"I, like you, stocked up on Zima prior to it being discontinued. However, I am on my last case and don't know what alcoholic beverage to switch to. Any suggestions?"

There is no replacement for Zima. To suggest a replacement is heresy. Nevertheless, I will answer your aforementioned question as you obviously basically obviously need something to drink.

I like a colorful drink, like pink or lavender. I like the ones with umbrellas especially. I like it served on a lace doily. I make Lola bleach the doilies every week.

Also I like beer. Especially the green and blue ones.

Somebody else ask a question. Somebody with a normaler name.

Reader Question 1

Leroy Bartholomew Brackworth IV from [didn't give his freaking town, list your town people] writes:

"I have been following your blog since its creation consider you a scientific god. I have thought for several months now that there is no greater honor I can bestow upon you than to get a tattoo in your honor. What do you think I should get?"

Well Leroy, you are correct that I am basically a scientific god. However, since the statue incident, I'm hesitant to recommend that anyone depict me in any way, it just can't live up to the real thing. Why don't you get yourself something cool? Now, as you may or may not know, a lot of people who get tattoos are trying to look tough and will suggest you get a skull or an anchor or a dragon or a dragon eating a skull and carrying an anchor. But I say get something that you like that represents you. That's what I did with my tattoo. People tried to get me to conform to societal standards of manliness and such, but when you're a stud like me, you do your own thing.

The internet must be broken...

What the.... it's been like 60 seconds and I still haven't received your questions. Get a move on people, I know there must be tens of thousands of you following my blog on a daily basis. Don't be shy, ask a question!

ASK The World's Greatest Biologist!

Loyal readers,

It's time for a new feature here at the COTWGB. You see, lately, my brain has been overflowing with good ideas and advice, because I basically know how to do everything. And I figured it was high time that I shared some of that abundance of smartness with you lesser peoples.

So, like that one guy who types with boxing gloves on his hands, I am now soliciting questions that I will answer on my blog. Email your question to worldsgreatestbiologist@gmail.com, or just type it in the comments box at the end of this post.

If your question is picked, you'll receive..uh..well, you'll receive my opinion. There's really no greater gift than that, is there?

A Potentially Groundbreaking Technique

Basically, as you may or may not know, I recently attended the annual Paraguayan Ornithological Organization of Paraguay (P.O.O.P.) conference to present a component of my research titled “A Potentially Groundbreaking Technique That Could Potentially Revolutionize the Attachment of Radio Transmitters to Avian Organisms Such That We Can Further Our Understanding of Their Movements, Habitat Utilization, Mortality Rates, and Interactions With Other Organisms in Large and Small Bums.” For those of you who may or may not know, “bums” simply refer to the sizes of forest patches in Paraguay. My results basically discuss the effectiveness of a novel, self-designed transmitter technique that will undoubtedly transform the field of Ornithology and should result in reduced HEWO mortality.

Basically, as many people know, my beautiful HEWOs experienced exceptionally high levels of post-capture mortality (98.3%) following my attaching radio transmitters to them the “old fashioned” way. My “knowledgeable” advisor informed me that these mortalities were to be expected and I should continue attaching transmitters to as many HEWOs as possible. Unfortunately, the number of HEWOs able to be captured was basically reduced by my need to document what I termed “In-the-hand behavior.” This basically means that following capture, I held the bird for ≥ 4.5 hours to assess their reaction to being, what some have termed, manhandled. However, this, in my opinion, is one of the most important and innovative investigations to ever be undertaken, as most self-proclaimed researchers simply take measurements and release a bird without ever documenting how they react to long periods of stress associated with handling and video documenting. After several field seasons, however, my HEWOs continued to suffer unimaginable mortality rates. My advisor kept encouraging me that I needed be persistent and suggested I carry on with the original technique, but I felt that it was simply his attempt to sabotage my otherwise flawless career. So, in response to his ridiculous demands, I developed several new attachment techniques which called for transmitters to be tied/glued/stapled/taped to various parts of HEWOs such that I could determine which worked best. Basically, I was able to narrow down my options to 2 techniques that resulted in the fewest mortalities: the helmet attachment and the bill attachment. Some people suggested these to be even riskier than former techniques, yet no one has attempted to design a new method in years, which is basically, in my opinion, inexcusable, and the papers published explaining the use of these old techniques obviously lack merit.


My results indicated that these attachments worked much better than former ones, as the birds lived several days longer than with old attachment methods and the transmitters were easier to attach since there aren’t as many feathers to deal with. However, I basically continued to face a confounding issue with my post-release dispersal investigation. Basically, I believed this was potentially due to the birds flopping around on the ground following release, making them more prone to depredation. Unfortunately, I have always left the area immediately after releasing birds, such that they weren't disturbed further, so their fates remained unknown until my technicians tried to track them 4 weeks later. So, my testing of a new rocket backpack transmitter that provided my HEWOs with the extra “boost” they needed to take off after release showed that their post-capture dispersal was significantly greater than previously documented, further supporting my belief that old methods are ineffective. Therefore, I suggest this method be employed further by all "researchers" using radio transmitters to track movements, as I have proven its effectiveness at achieving statistically significant results.

Skewed sex ratio

As you may or may not know, many of my field assistants are basically male. While this basically provides a greater likelihood of them being stronger, smarter, and not wanting to stop and buy high heels, it does not necessarily mean they will achieve any level of competency, and moreover, makes it far less likely that I will want to look at their disgusting bodies. Therefore, I have decided that the next round of technicians will be female. Furthermore, an equal ratio of males and females is harmonious and equitable and earth-loving, and makes me seem not prejudiced.

With the above in mind, I considered various techniques to attract some lovely ladies to assist me. I posted my announcement for technicians to various biological jobs boards with statements requiring breasts, and requiring the attachment of head shots and full body shots in a bikini, but perplexingly, found no takers. Well, no female takers - actually one heavyset guy named Chad sent me a picture of something, but I'm trying to purge those images from my memory.

I asked Mitzi how to go about finding the right type of women for me, and luckily for me she had some inside info. Must be because she's a woman. Not that good-looking of a woman, but she is able to file and collate adequately, somedays. Anyway, she said the first thing I need to attract my kind of woman is the right outfit. I am a very fashionable guy, but I am known for being very open to a little good advice, and so I thought this little number she found did show off my studliness:

Then Mitzi directed me to the part of town where all the good-looking women hang out. Man, she was right, I had them coming right up to the vehicle asking if I needed anything done or if I was looking for any new girls! They seem so willing to work, that's the kind of attitude I like.



So I got three of them and brought them back to the field station - Lola, Candy, and Gina. I have to say, they are going to improve the scenery around here. Lola said she knew Juanita, which I found a bit odd... Anyway, we'll see how this works out, they seem very willing to work.

My time is valuable

I lead a very busy life, and it's frequently complicated by people who bother me demanding my time. It's quite understandable, because who wouldn't want to be the recipient of my glorious knowledge and ability?

Lately this guy has been bugging me to finish my part of a paper we started in 1982. My office has sort of accumulated a minor backlog. I'm going to get to it, probably next week.



He had a start on this paper, but once I saw how feebly he was writing it, I decided I better jump in, take over and fix it. It's based off some data from a mist-netting project I led during migration on the coast of Venezuela. The working title is "Horrifically unacceptable mortalities at a banding station: do some birds just have weak necks?".

Anyway lately he has been pitching a fit because I haven't finished my portion of the manuscript. He's as bad as that lady who would never stop complaining because I forgot to feed her cats when she went on sabbatical. I was going to feed her cats the next week, they should have been fine. It's her fault for not leaving them 12 months of food.

Anyway, the reason that manuscript and other priorities will be undoubtedly accomplished next week and not today is due to my demanding schedule. Basically lately I have been quite involved with laying in my hammock and watching cricket. As you may or may not know, my technicians have been involved in an historical reenactment of the 1996 world cup cricket season, which culminated in an historic victory by Sri Lanka.


It is sort of cutting into the time I have to work on that one guy's mortality manuscript, and other important things like field work, getting sloshed on zima, and admiring myself in the mirror, but it's really quite captivating. And really, it's important to have interests in life. I wish other people would take my advice and learn to stop, relax, and smell the roses, rather than being obsessed about a little thing like a manuscript that is 27 years overdue or a house full of dead cats.

Moronical Musical Monkeys

As much as it pains me to do so, I must basically reject Ursula’s father’s dowry such that I can move on with my life and my mission of saving the Earth. As you may or may not recall from my previous post, the original and basically laughable dowry offered by Ursula’s father, Yuri, consisted of an old dishwasher, blue bowling ball, a bunch of coconuts, and an angry cat. Obviously, this does not recognize my greatness, so I accepted this feeble offering and requested additional gifts to be given in accordance with my dowry supplementation protocol (DSP) such that I could basically accept it. As you may or may not know, my favourite musical act of all time is Milli Vanilli, and I’m also quite fond of monkeys. Basically, my DSP included acquiring a band of native Paraguayan monkeys that, with assorted yet appropriate instruments, attempt to replicate the greatness of Rob and Fab such that I may enjoy the aforementioned sounds whilst saving the Earth and/or receiving foot massages. I thought this would basically be a small thing to ask since he’s a renowned collector of the World’s rarest monkeys.

Do you have any idea what that ignorant son of a goat herder gave me? A band on primates that play Milli Vanilli’s soothing sounds and infectious grooves yet are not native to Paraguay!!! The costumes don’t fool me Yuri, I’m a freaking biologist!

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!? What nerve. Milli Vanilli doesn’t even have acoustic instruments or a saxophone player! So needless to say, obviously, the deal is off. Good riddance Ursula, and I want that owl-monkey-testicle-laden ring back for the next lucky lady that might actually be committed to helping me singlehandedly save the Earth.

Welcome to HEWOdome

Basically, as my loyal followers you can all understand the time commitment that is field research! So basically, let me start by stating the obvious, the final round of technician testing has already been completed! I would have updated my blog immediately following the HEWOdome battles, but I became swamped with responsibility. Also, as you may or may not know, the weather was awfully wet and I was forced to delay the “HEWOdome” battles for several weeks due to an issue I had with the original location of the dome. Basically, my original battlefield was swept away by a landslide caused by the explosion of some ordinance that was dropped from a Mig fighter during the all-terrain race. Apparently, a local villager found a missile half buried in the mud near his hut and didn’t tell anyone about it! What an idiot! Well, Carl just happened to be cruising around some muddy fields near this villagers house trying to get a good cell phone signal with the XF3 satellite dish on my Hummer when he basically ran over what he thought was a sleeping/dead/drunk/incapacitated cow. To Carl’s astonishment, it was a bomb. Basically, he came running home and told me about it, but I figured that if it was on this villager’s property then it wasn’t my problem, so I went about my business. Basically, two hours later I hear a boom and a rumble and the next thing I know, the side of the mountain is sliding over my newly constructed arena of death. ARE YOU FREAKIN KIDDING ME!?! So, basically, obviously, I had but one choice . . . build another even better arena of death! The problem was that the best spot other than the one I already had was over an old local cemetery. So, I had to do some more bargaining with the locals and explain to them the situation and how important it was for me to have the “HEWOdome” where I wanted it. I made sure to explain to them how much extra work I would have to do if they didn’t appease me and how inconvenient it would be for me to build the dome somewhere else. I think they eventually grew tired of me talking to them and they settled for a rickshaw with one wheel, my broken A/C unit, and my Martha Stewart Self-Bunionator.

I know what you’re thinking, but I was basically comfortable parting with my Self-Bunionator because I now have Wang et al. to massage my feet. So, I put all of my technicians to work building the “HEWOdome” and had Mitzi order the weaponry. I must say, this was the only time everything went according to plan. The dome was completed in 2 days and Mitzi ordered some very exciting weapons. I also allowed groups to bring 3 weapons of their choosing to make things a bit more challenging and exciting. Basically, the weapons Mitzi bought included a mace, a ballista, a blunderbuss, leg-hold traps, a panzerfaust, a tazer with hooks, an atlatl, a lightsaber, and a rabid owl monkey with a blunderbuss.

The group weapon selection was as follows:
Chinese: Lead-based paint, chopsticks, fortune cookies
Japanese: Samurai sword, Sumo tighty-whities, a camcorder with fannypack
Russians: AK-47, vodka-based Molotov cocktails, a portrait of Vladimir Putin
Mongolians: Recurved bows, fur hats, dried fish

Obviously, basically, this was the bloodiest battle to ever grace Paraguay. The battle began immediately after I gathered all of the potential technicians in the HEWOdome and I was comfortably seated in my elevated, air-conditioned, viewing platform with a Zima in one hand and a genetically modified Zima-basted chicken leg in the other. I can write all day about the ten hour battle royale, but I have a life outside of my research! So, I’ll give you the best highlights I can.
The Chinese and Mongolians seemed particularly aggressive toward one another. The Chinese were throwing cans of lead-based paint at the Mongolians while the Mongols were shooting the Chinese with arrows, which I must say they are very accurate with. There were several Chinese left and they began trying to build some sort of long wall between them and the Mongols, but the Russians, in an attempt to fight off the Japanese, released the rabid owl monkey with its blunderbuss.

Unfortunately for the Chinese, the monkey was insanely accurate with the blunderbuss and wiped them out before they could finish the wall. The Russians, realizing the threat the rabid creature posed to them, bludgeoned it to death with their Putin portrait and then set it on fire with a Molotov cocktail. While the Russians were busy trying to kill the rabid primate, the Japanese were running around in their sumo undies pulling out their camcorders and video-taping themselves destroying the Mongols with samurai swords and tazers. The Mongols did not go lightly though, as they were basically firing the ballista all over the place, destroying most of the dome and several nearby villages. Unfortunately, there was so much smoke that no one could see. We began hearing these horrible screams and explosions coming from what was left of my HEWOdome. Panzerfaust rounds, dried fish, leg-hold traps, and Mongolian yaks were flying everywhere. When the dust settled the only person left standing was Ivanov, a Russian vagabond. In fact, there was no one else even in the dome. It was an awe-inspiring moment, as I realized then that I potentially had one of the greatest HEWO technicians ever created. This period of joy was short lived however, because as I was preparing to present Ivanov with his HEWOdome trophy, a beam from the dome fell down and basically decapitated him like a turkey. Basically, as you could imagine, I was upset for a short while that I was unable to secure such a premium technician, but then I recalled the pleasure of witnessing the battles and was quickly back to sipping Zimas and eating chicken.

Basically, I will be postponing any further technician competitions, as there will be a hiatus in my fieldwork due to my teaching a class at the University of Paraguay. I plan on keeping all of you updated on my professorial progress as I attempt to basically teach a "band of apes" how to pull our precious Earth from the brink of certain destruction. Basically, keep it real my minions. . .