So-called "review" of my, as you may or may not know, perfect work

So, as you may or may not know, my place of work basically likes to have sessions where we "review" each other's manuscripts and presentations. What a waste of time when I could basically be talking to/travelling towards/visiting/publicly groping Ursula. I guess "review" is their way to basically set up a plausible scenario for being able to absorb my vast intellect. I mean, really, why do they want ME, studliest of all people, to stand up there and have to pretend that I care what they say, when obviously my presentations and articles are superior to anything they could possibly dream of creating. Basically. Here are a few examples, i. e., one time they told me that my figure caption was basically the biggest figure caption they have ever seen in their entire life. Even though aformentioned figure caption was pre-approved by my supervisor. So there. Or that my poster was too packed with information! Basically, they are just jealous that they are not able to add that much information to their posters. And they basically objected to my presentation referring to "asses". I use asses to pack my gear into my site, and when Ursula comes down, sometimes we play ass polo. They basically thought that asses could be miscontrued as something else! What I want to know, is who had a problem with my use of "asses"? Who?!

It's a waste of my time and intellect to sit there and listen to my worthless coworkers try to wreck my perfection with their so-called improvements. Then they think they should be "acknowleged" just because they spent half a day reading my paper and suggesting things like "oh, maybe your paper shouldn't include a graph of how long you spent driving to your field site" or "oh, that graph of the variation in mm with SEs, and box-plots and histograms and bell curves and t-tests showing that there was no significant difference in inner-diameter circumference of the bird bands we used is not very useful". Basically, I'll probably just acknowledge Juan, because he rented me this ass.

It's Official

Basically, I just wanted to update you, my loyal protégés, on the status of the aforementioned feather. After applying my patented feather microscopy protocol, I was able to confirm that the aforementioned structure was in fact a feather. Further, it is basically undeniably a Helmeted Woodpecker feather. As you may recall from your previous readings, I sent this feather to a museum (that will remain unnamed to basically protect the aforementioned feather from theft or acts of vandalism) in order to have lesser scientists confirm my discovery. I basically received electronic-mail confirmation that they received the HEWO feather and I will paste it below for all to see with my name basically removed to protect myself from various lesser biologists and assorted groupies that may seek me out for my profound insights and knowledge:

“We received the feather. Columba livia”

Obviously, I’m not sure what the second part of the message refers to but it basically appears to be some other language, probably saying something to the effect of “Yes, of course you are correct, it is a Helmeted Woodpecker feather.” Of course, this is great news and validates my feather transect protocol while repudiating the unmeritous approaches of past biologists. Now we will basically move into Phase II of the Feather Super-Protocol (which basically encompasses the sub-protocols related to feathers including but not limited to the aforementioned feather transect and feather microscopy protocols). Sub-phase I of Phase II of the Feather Super-Protocol basically involves implementation of the feather videography protocol (obviously referring to a sub-protocol given the lack of capitalization). Given that the aforementioned videography protocol has two sub-options (alpha and beta), I am basically going to use the more expensive digital option (F.I.ii.b) in which I will obtain higher-quality imagery. Basically, this protocol involves installing sixteen digital video cameras at the sight of feather discovery (the hot zone) in case the aforementioned woodpecker returns to retrieve its feather. It’s only a matter of time before I capture images of the Helmeted Woodpecker, confirming its existence, and thus completing my task of single-handedly saving this magnificent creature from the evil death-grip of civilization.

Discovery

It is basically with great pride yet unquestionable humility that I announce the indubitable discovery of a Helmeted Woodpecker feather. Basically, I am in the process of scientifically analyzing the aforementioned feather to confirm its authenticity and I will keep you, my loyal followers, informed about this most important breakthrough. Other “scientists” had the gall to question my use of a feather transect protocol as a way to study the HEWO, but who’s laughing now? They suggested that I look for the actual birds which would have obviously been a waste of time. As you may or may not know, I believe in full disclosure so I should basically inform you that Mateo is the one who picked up the aforementioned feather and brought it to me, but it took my great biological skills to identify the keratinized structure as a feather. I basically went through great efforts not to contaminate this feather and, after applying my own feather microscopy protocol, I will send it to a museum so that lesser scientists can tell me that I’m right. For now, we celebrate my achievement! Zimas for everyone!

Proper Field Attire

Basically, since through my astute powers of observation I discovered that Juanita is actually a man, I now have some new options for saving the HEWO. As you may or may not know, the field is no place for a woman. Basically, it is for this reason that I hired Juanita as a personal assistant and would never have considered sending her out into the field. Well, things basically change and a great biologist and field commander such as myself has to adapt to this changing workscape. Given the new priority of ensuring that my new statue adequately portrays my masculinity and importance, I basically decided to re-assign Rogelio to supervising the sculptor of the aforementioned statue. Therefore, I decided to send Juanita out into the field with Mateo to collect my data. Although this requires much sacrifice on my part, I am basically willing to dial my satellite phone, sharpen my protocol-writing pencils, get my own Zima, clean my loofahs, and maintain the protocol laminator myself for a few days while we await my statue, to take one for the team so to speak. Basically, for Juanita to work in the field, “her” usual attire of miniskirt and fishnet stockings are basically not going to be appropriate, so I ordered Rogelio to inform Juanita of what would be considered suitable for field conditions. Because I’m basically not awake when the technicians leave for the field in the morning, I did not see the aforementioned attire when Juanita left for the first day in the field. You can basically imagine my surprise at the end of the next day when Juanita and Mateo returned and Juanita was wearing assless chaps! Are you freaking kidding me?!? Juanita was sitting in MY swan boat wearing assless chaps?!? Mateo described this as a problem of translation between myself, Juanita, and Rogelio. Basically, I’m not so sure about this and am starting to question Rogelio’s commitment to the project. Once this statue is done, I may have to make some tough decisions.

Statue of Virility

Basically, a couple of days ago my supervisor called pretending to be checking up on me even though I, as you may or may not know, am a superior biologist and our relationship is basically just a formality in which he wants to cash in on my fame and success. One of the things I make him do is manage all of my grant money so at least he can do something useful. Well, it turns out that according to aforementioned “supervisor” I’ve got plenty of money. As you may recall from your previous readings, I work very hard and therefore basically deserve to splurge a little bit instead of just basically spending all of this grant money on my research. Part of my amazing ability to save funds is related to my superhuman efficiency, which as you know is one thing that is helping me single-handedly save the Earth. Because I haven’t had the opportunity to attend a meeting recently in which I would obviously be honoured for my achievements, I decided to use my research funds to commission a statue in my honour. I’ve basically paid a $30,000 deposit to a local Paraguayan artist for the aforementioned statue and ordered Rogelio to translate the message for the aforementioned artist to focus on my altruistic commitment to single-handedly saving the Earth, my superior intellect, my scientific awesomeness, my undeniable charisma and good looks, my superhuman virility, and my astonishing modesty given all of these gifts that I have. I basically can’t wait to see myself immortalized as a statue just as other important scientists have been.

Tensity

As you may or may not know, I’ve basically been away from my blog for a few days and realize that this was disappointing for all of you, my loyal followers. I basically found the “Juanita situation” to be a very stressful experience in which I was basically vindicated. As emotionally draining as it was to potentially basically have Ursula upset with me, to have one of my technicians question my actions, and to write a new protocol on such short notice with so much pressure because the stakes were basically so high, I found that this was a situation that even Zima and chicken drumsticks could not make better. Because I feared that this traumatic situation may jeopardize my research, it was clear that the only solution was to buy Ursula a plane ticket to fly to Paraguay. The past 4 days have basically been a groping frenzy and prior to her departure, Ursula even gave me a grope-on-a-rope as a gift to make me more comfortable with her absence. And get this, Rogelio again had the nerve to question whether buying a plane ticket for Ursula was a wise use of my research funds?!? Are you freaking kidding me?!? Doesn’t he get it??? If she didn’t fly here I would have had to fly there! It basically costs the same amount either way! I’m basically starting to become concerned with Rogelio’s belligerency and fear that he has lost his commitment to helping me single-handedly save the Earth. For now, I think I’ll try writing a new protocol for technicians to agree with everything I say and do, perhaps with a pledge of allegiance. I have no idea why I didn’t just do this in the first place.

Crisis Resolved

Get this, when I told Mateo and Rogelio that I would be departing for Slovenia in one day and that I would be gone for two weeks, Rogelio had the nerve to question my commitment to MY research?!? Are you freaking kidding me?!? I even explained the situation and how Ursula was upset, and he still acted as if this crisis was unimportant! That SOB had the nerve lecture me, as if the protocols that he and Mateo are using are his and not mine! Basically, I think he’s still just upset about the swan boat and basically jealous that he doesn’t have my skills, abilities, power, and respect. As usual, Rogelio was completely unhelpful and not understanding of the magnitude of the aforementioned situation. As he walked away, I basically heard him mumble something about an Adam’s apple, which I’m not sure what that means. Although I commanded Rogelio to expand upon his mumbled statement, he declined. Basically thankfully, I have one understudy with the appropriate reverence for my superior standing. Mateo basically explained to me that Juanita is really a man and the reason that (s)he was basically walking around on the street in town seeking employment is because (s)he is a transvestite prostitute.

Because I basically cannot afford to have another technician quit on me as Jorge did, I decided that I should talk over this new revelation with Ursula and discuss the possibility that I should remain in Paraguay to continue supervising Rogelio and Mateo so nothing goes wrong and they basically will not abandon or sabotage my important research. Obviously, Ursula felt that I should at least confirm that Juan(ita) is in fact a man rather than a post-op transsexual in which case I would basically still be prohibited from employing him/her because of my aforementioned irresistibility to members of the opposite sex (possibly including transsexuals). As you may or may not know, asking Juan(ita) would be possibly misleading so I felt that a more scientific approach was in order. After developing a transvestite-inspection protocol, I ordered Mateo and Rogelio to implement said protocol which they basically did and confirmed that Juan(ita) is actually a man. So basically, it looks like I can continue my quest to save the HEWO without immediately departing for Slovenia unless something else comes up soon which would require me to go to Slovenia rather than stay in Paraguay supervising the aforementioned project.

Crisis

So basically, after doing what I thought was a very beneficial thing toward helping me single-handedly save the Earth, I’ve discovered that I may have made a huge mistake. During a recent three-hour phone conversation with Ursula, I mentioned that I had hired a personal assistant. Initially, Ursula seemed pleased that I was one step closer to having everyone in the world take orders from me. “What’s his name?” she said, to which I replied “Basically, her name is Juanita.” Little did I know that the aforementioned conversation would descend into a jealousy enraged shouting match. Basically, Ursula pointed out the very important fact that it is physically impossible for women not to find me attractive, with which I could not disagree, and that I am therefore forbidden from hiring female workers. Because I basically thought that Ursula raised a very important point, I decided that I should leave immediately for Slovenia to apologize to Ursula in person.

Personal Assistant

Basically, I’ve made a very important decision and want to share the aforementioned decision with you, my loyal protégés. As you may recall from your previous readings and the fact that my actions and my blog are basically probably among the most important things in your life since you don’t have anything as important happening in your life certainly not as important as single-handedly saving the Earth, I currently have two “people” that serve me: Mateo and Rogelio. As you can probably imagine, it’s hard to accomplish the important tasks in which I endeavor to involve myself when my technicians are out in the field collecting my data. What do I do when I’m talking to other, yet lesser, scientists on my satellite phone and I run out of Zima? In the past, I’ve found that the pager system that I had implemented whereby Mateo or Rogelio would return to fetch my beverage have been ineffective to say the least. Similarly, when Mateo and Rogelio are excavating my Land Rover, by definition neither of them are available to shade me with a parasol as I supervise the aforementioned excavation. For these reasons, I’ve decided to hire a personal assistant to have the privilege of taking care of these tasks. Basically, I was considering giving someone this opportunity recently when I was in town buying chicken drumsticks and I happened to encounter a young lady on the street who was apparently seeking employment. Although Juanita does not speak any English, I basically showed her a few guaranies, which as you probably do not know is basically a type of money used in Paraguay, and she was willing to come with me, probably because she has heard of my amazing intellect and biological field skills. Over the past few days, I’ve basically been able to order Mateo and Rogelio to teach Juanita the valuable skills and English words that she’ll need to help me save the planet. In addition to fetching Zima, dialing my satellite phone, and holding my parasol, Juanita’s main duties include sharpening my protocol-writing pencils, maintaining the lamination machine for aforementioned protocols, washing my loofahs with successively smaller loofahs, and polishing the hand trowels.

Excavation protocols

As you may or may not know, my inept technicians basically got the land rover stuck. Therewith, we must excavate the landrover in the most effortant and speedacious manner possible. I have created a laminated schematic which details aformentioned excavatiousition protocol. It's really self explanatory. As you can see, instead of the dodecahedron, I decided to add several more facets to the shape.This way, the aformentioned excavatiousition will proceed equally on all sides of the landrover and prevent a cave-in. And let me tell you, as someone who routinely needs to dig stuff out that I've gotten stuck, basically, not to brag, but I'm pretty good at preventing cave-ins. It's just an intuitive sense I have. People have tried to tell me that this is overly complicated, but they don't know how hard you have to work to prevent cave-ins. And I definitely do. So, looking at my schematic, you want to dig along the lines east and north of the blue sides on tuesdays, thursdays, and anytime after 6 PM. But on mondays, fridays, sundays, sundays, and saturdays, you want to dig perpendicularly to the red, chartreuse and salmon-colored sectors, unless it's raining. The green section will need to be dug with the floral-patterned trowels, and only while wearing officially-sanctioned digging headwear and underpants. It's basically very easy. But I'm sure my technicans will somehow screw it up.