The most historical thing EVER. (Aside from my own birth)

Basically, I just witnessed the most historical event ever in the history of history. Basically, the aforementioned event was the inauguration of the next earth-saving president, Barack Obama. Obama is awesome because he wants to save the earth. Even though others in my organization told me I should really be out saving the HEWOs, I would not miss this event for the world. And so I booked a first-class ticket to DC for the inauguration. Supporting Obama is supporting saving the earth, so that makes me a first-class earth-saving stud. I did not have a ticket, but some New Zealander holding a sign sold me a scalped ticket right in front of the Lincoln Memorial!! This sounded great, though I ended up being slightly farther back than I anticipated. This experience was even more sweet because I am sure to become famous on TV. I am not sure, but I bet that you can basically see me on TV, since you could see the Lincoln Memorial, and that’s about where I was standing. Except I was also on the back side of the Lincoln Memorial, but I fought my way to the other side so I could sort of see something. I think there were a few people in front of me, but my seats were basically the best you can get.






However, upon returning from aforementioned pilgrimage, I was saddened and shocked to find a massive violation of my personal rights. When I left, I adminished my coworkers not to sit in my research recliner. You see, I, of my own accord, had Mitzi and Juanita haul a shiny new research recliner up the stairs to my 7th floor office. Mitzi was grumbling because I wouldn’t let her use the elevator, but I needed to use the elevator to transport my Zima crate. Anyway, where was I, oh yeah, so I told the worthless unfit-to-be-in-my-presence officemates to keep their grubby paws off the research recliner. I made this perfectly clear by installing a sign on the recliner with a detailed protocol of how one should not sit in the Research Recliner. But I returned to find that SOMEONE HAD BEEN SITTING IN MY RESEARCH RECLINER!!!!! I know this because I had Mateo and Rogelio come in from the field to charge and change the deep-cycle batteries that powered the Covertly Hidden Apparatus that detects Inauthorizable Reclining (CHAIR) cameras. The cameras detected all sorts of inauthorizable activities, such as putting-on of other peoples butts, putting-on of decorative and mocking ornaments, and putting-on of rotting fruit pieces. I am disgusted. I can think of no other reason that someone would do a thing like this other than if they were against my saving the earth. I am going to have to stop giving my co-workers the benefit of reading my work, and carrying my equipment, and washing my car, because they clearly don’t appreciate me.

Indecency

My followers,

I have news regarding the statue that was created in my image and, understandably, basically failed to live up to that.

You see, Ursula was disturbed at the shocking level of nudity that was basically a shock. Who ever heard of a statue of a naked person?

So Ursula has remedied that situation, as you can see below. Naturally, I can see how some people would be shocked by a portrayal of something that large, so it's probably for the best that it's covered up.

Furthermore, many of you astute readers have emailed me regarding the basically shocking baby-kicking. I will admit, I was basically shocked that I was baby-kicking as well. So we have also remedied that.

As you may or may not be aware of, I am someone who is basically very sensitive and aware of the needs and feelings of others. So thusly, I hope that with the new additions to the statue, the aforementioned statue will now not cause anyone any anguish or embarrassment. Ursula has recently also contacted the Louvre. I bought her a plane ticket to France with my research funds, and as we speak, she is headed there with a shipment of underpants and sheets so that no person in this great and sensitive world will ever suffer offense.

The Most Importantest Holiday

Basically, Happy Halloween! As you read this post, I’m on my way to visit Ursula in Slovenia. As you may or may not know, I believe that is very important to spend each and every holiday with my Sun-Goddess. Never is it more important than on this most important of important holidays. I know what you’re thinking, what I am going to be for Halloween? Because you basically want to be the same thing because of your intense admiration for me, trust me, I know what you’re thinking because I have had such a profound influence in shaping your mind. If you were to guess that I am going to be Sir Don Bradman like I have each of the past four years, you’re basically wrong. In honour of the World’s greatest musicians to basically ever musicate on the planet, Ursula and I are dressing up as our mutual favourite group: Milli Vanilli.

Ursula is the Fab to my Rob. We basically met at a Halloween party two years ago, as we were basically dancing independently on opposite sides of the dance floor. As you obviously recall from earlier in this post, I was dressed up as Sir Don Bradman (yes, THE Sir Don Bradman). I knew it was meant to be when we locked eyes across the dance floor and I noticed that she was dressed up as Rachael Heyhoe-Flint, obviously the greatest female cricket player of all time. The song that was playing was “Girl You Know It’s True” by, you guessed it, Milli Vanilli. As you may or may not know from your previous readings, our rock-solid relationship is built on a love of three things: saving the Earth, Zima, and Milli Vanilli. With the recent bad news about Zima, all we’ve got left is Earth and Milli Vanilli. So this Halloween, as we continue to wait patiently for another Milli Vanilli album to be released to the World, we will honour Rob and Fab’s contributions to the musicscape of our Earth and this year, when that special song comes on, I may just have a special question for Ursula.

The Tzar

Greetings loyal readers,


Today, I shall basically impress upon you the importance of learning from ones wiser than you. Although basically this means me, there is one other who is a font of great wisdom: Tzar Pickfit.


Tzar Pickfit is a high-caliber ornithologists. If you meet a high-caliber ornithologists, you may not feel comfortable meeting with him intimately due to the overly large brain ratio between someone like him (and me) compared to someone like you, but he may or may not benefit you or cause you to think thoughts you may not previously have thought that you would think about. It is possible that such a meeting may in fact benefit you, and I am merely explaining this to you, since you may or may not have known this on your own. Even though your own work is probably without merit, you have much to learn from those who are wiser than you.


Tzar Pickfit is coming to my place of work, and I am making this post so that we all are able to coordinate the scheduling for his visit and schedule face-to-face time for intimate meetings. You see, we do not want to offend or anger him with our disorganization, so we must create a schedule, and laminate aforementioned schedule for maximal efficitude.


Involving the times of the signing up, there are, 6, blocks of time, a block being defined as a time slot in which the meeting between you and Pick may proceed. There are 5 slots between the blocks, slots defined as spaces that are not the blocks. This will all be available on the laminated brochure that I made with the laminating machine. The blocks start at 9:00, 10:00, 11:01, 12:29, 1:59 and 2:30. The slots start at 9:45, 10:35, 11:45, 1:30, 2:01, and 3:00. I propose eliminating the 12:29 block so Pick may dine, and eliminating the 2:01 slot, because a 2-minute-meeting is a short meeting, but, verily, a good amount of time for which to microwave leftover drumsticks. Please write me if none of this makes any sense. Confused yet?


You probably are confused, and so I have hired Juanita’s friend, Mitzi, to help with scheduling, laminating, and implement the protocols that drive the scheduling. We will see, Mitzi, if you can handle this important task.

El Pollo Gigante

Basically, the despondency associated with my recent disappointing experience with Zima has led my interventionist to suggest that I focus my efforts on some of my other passions. As you may or may not recall that I’ve mentioned before at various points in time, I have a special love of chicken drumsticks. Due to the overwhelming fear that chicken drumsticks may suffer the same unimaginable fate as my beloved Zima, I have began a conquest to find the world’s largest chicken drumsticks such that I may preserve them for posterity in advance of such an inconceivable demise. Obviously, saving the Earth and the HEWO are my top priorities which is why I’ve basically ordered Mateo and Rogelio to continue my field work while Juanita continues to deal with any press related to my recent feather discovery and the dedication of my statue.

Monstrosity

As you undoubtedly may or may not recall from my earlier post, other scientists that are in awe of my amazing biological skills and knowledge saw fit to honour my achievements with a statue. Well, it is with mixed feelings that I announce the completion of the aforementioned shrine to my undeniable superiority. Basically, I commanded Rogelio to supervise this aforementioned important undertaking to ensure that it does justice to my commitment to the cradle of life that we call my beloved Earth. Obviously, it would be very difficult, nay impossible, for any mortal being to capture this aforementioned dedication in a mere work of art. Despite me being among the most modest people on the planet, I’m sure you can imagine the anticipation with which I have awaited being immortalized as the greatest living biologist. Well, here’s the statue.


ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!!! What in the hell is this?!? Needless to say, I feel betrayed, deceived, and let down by this pitiful excuse for an immortalization. All I see is a freaky looking naked dude with a bunch of babies! Rogelio assures me that this disgusting piece of filth is meant to represent my strength and virility while displaying me balancing humanity against its own senseless destruction. I guess it’s hard to argue with that. Nonetheless, the nudity troubles me; it looks like I’m being attacked by naked babies! I think it may take more than $30,000 to properly secure my legacy. In the meantime, I think I’ll use the hired help to make sure that my statue remains unfettered by the tyranny of dirt and grime. If I’m standing naked in the park punting a baby, at least I’ll be clean while I’m doing it.

I Answer to No One

So basically, I’ve been receiving a lot of fan mail from you, my loyal followers, about where I’ve been lately. While I understand that my absence has basically left you directionless and possibly contemplating suicide, I must rectify the point that my first priority is towards singlehandedly saving the Earth from man’s evil mandible claw of doom. To this end, I answer to no one and make no apologies. In the spirit of full disclosure, and since it was my idea to tell you about it anyway, I’ll tell you where I was, why I was there, and what I was up to. Basically, as you’ve undoubtedly memorized from my earlier flawless and inspirational posts, I singlehandedly discovered one of the rarest feathers on the face of my precious planet. After receiving the good news that the aforementioned feather was without doubt that of the rare and majestic Helmeted Woodpecker, I sent photographs of said feather with the confirmation from the aforementioned museum to various news outlets to spread the good news of my excellent biological field skills. Although I basically abhor publicity of any type that may basically distract others away from my amazing commitment to singlehandedly saving this planet and instead focus on my amazing skills or intellect, I knew immediately that this discovery was far too important to basically go unnoticed. After sending the aforementioned photographic depictions and museum confirmation, I ordered Mateo to contact all of the major news organizations in the world and inform them of my press conference where I would unveil this important discovery in person. Well basically, the only news outlet to show up to my press conference was Diario Popular! Are you freaking kidding me?!? Not even Diario Noticias?!? No English-speaking journalists?!? And do you know what that son of a bitch from Diario Popular had the nerve to say to me?!? He said “es de paloma, idiota” which I took to mean “thank you for saving this magnificent bird from extinction.” However, Mateo later informed me that he said this was, get this, a pigeon feather! Are you freaking kidding me?!? Needless to say, I had to prove this man wrong, so I took the aforementioned biological specimen to one of the foremost biological research laboratories in the world for further analysis. Because it was clear that I had to do this in complete secrecy, I chose to cut all contact with the outside world while I was analyzing the sample at the Slovenian Ornithological Feather Association (SOFA) headquarters, which is obviously the highest caliber ornithological feather association in the world. After two months of careful analysis, I have confirmed that I was in fact right to begin with. The HEWO lives. I think I’ll crack open another Zima to celebrate my reiteration of the aforementioned unquestionable discovery.

Immortalizing the Nectar of the Gods and WGBs

Basically, as most of you basically know by now, the greatest liquid to ever exist and the only beverage to be endorsed by the WGB has been officially removed from the market. Are you F@#$ing kidding me??!! I simply don’t think people understand the role ZIMA has played in my life and how vital it is to completing my mission here on Mother Earth. Unfortunately, the damage has been done and I have, therefore, been forced to seek counseling to deal with this unforeseen issue. Without the tear-filled intervention Mateo and Rogelio lured me into, I would not have been able to continue my attempt to free our environment from the kung fu grip of humanity. So, following the suggestions of my intervention coach, I feel it is my duty to immortalize ZIMAs greatness and in addition, bring some closure to this situation in my life. In addition to cryogenically freezing 24 bottles in hopes that future generations may once again enjoy the bubbly, sugary deliciousness that is ZIMA, I propose to add ZIMA as the 0th element in the Periodic Table of the Elements. Many people may be upset by this suggestion, due to the fact that ZIMA’s physical composition is like no other element, but in my opinion, that is all the more reason to add it. I am able to touch, taste, and enjoy ZIMA. I’ve never seen any of the other elements in real life, so who gives a crap about them. For those who feel that my desire to add ZIMA as an element lacks merit let me ask you this; what element brings joy to hundreds of people? How many elements quench your thirst at the end of a long, full body massage? The answer . . . none!!



Therefore, the time to act is now! We need to join forces; we few, we happy few, we band of ZIMA lovers! In the meantime, I’ll be investigating some alternatives just in case my ZIMA supply runs out.

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

MILWAUKEE (AP) - MillerCoors LLC says goodbye to Zima.

The joint venture between SABMiller's U.S. unit and Molson Coors Brewing Co. told distributors in a letter Monday that production of the malt liquor beverage was discontinued as of Oct. 10.

Chief Marketing Officer Andy England says the decision was due to weakness in the "malternative" segment and declining consumer interest.

He says distributors can get remaining Zima inventories most likely through December.

Distributors are being asked to put products from caffeinated alcoholic beverage Sparks on retail store shelves to make up for Zima's absence. The brand came to the joint venture from Molson Coors, maker of Coors Light and Keystone.


This basically can't be happening!! What am I supposed to drink now? Declining consumer interest in malternatives? I bascially cannot believe that they would do something like this.

As you may or may not know, they employ fine small-batch craftsmanship at the presumably very small South African/Miller/Coors/Molson Brewery. The aforementioned brewery brews the Zima with such care, I can only assume their reason for terminating aforementioned beverage is due to the fact that some sort of earth-hating evildoers are out to destroy my personal earthsavingness by cutting off my personal Zima supply.

I will have to experiment with other beverages to slake my extreme thirst. Rogelio suggested I make a Clamato-chocolate-walnut-margarita-eggnog-milkshake. That one sounds intriguing. Mateo suggested a watermelon-bourbon-toothpaste-orange juice-potato puree-root beer float. Basically, that strikes me as somewhat less good.

This may cause me to sink into a deep depression; It feels just like when Crystal Pepsi left us.

Basically, I think my best plan of attack is to basically pawn my remaining electronic devices not needed to talk to Ursula (i.e., not the phone, laptop, camera phone, desktop, satellite phone, webcam, or videoconferencing studio) and attempt to stockpile as much Zima as is possible.



There is lots of room at work, I'm sure my colleagues won't mind if I stack some cases under their desks. I will put my name on it so they have no reason to take it. I may have to rent a truck for this, but my research funds should basically cover that. And of course, my technicians and colleagues will have to pick up the slack while I am gone on this errand, but basically, you have to have priorities.

So-called "review" of my, as you may or may not know, perfect work

So, as you may or may not know, my place of work basically likes to have sessions where we "review" each other's manuscripts and presentations. What a waste of time when I could basically be talking to/travelling towards/visiting/publicly groping Ursula. I guess "review" is their way to basically set up a plausible scenario for being able to absorb my vast intellect. I mean, really, why do they want ME, studliest of all people, to stand up there and have to pretend that I care what they say, when obviously my presentations and articles are superior to anything they could possibly dream of creating. Basically. Here are a few examples, i. e., one time they told me that my figure caption was basically the biggest figure caption they have ever seen in their entire life. Even though aformentioned figure caption was pre-approved by my supervisor. So there. Or that my poster was too packed with information! Basically, they are just jealous that they are not able to add that much information to their posters. And they basically objected to my presentation referring to "asses". I use asses to pack my gear into my site, and when Ursula comes down, sometimes we play ass polo. They basically thought that asses could be miscontrued as something else! What I want to know, is who had a problem with my use of "asses"? Who?!

It's a waste of my time and intellect to sit there and listen to my worthless coworkers try to wreck my perfection with their so-called improvements. Then they think they should be "acknowleged" just because they spent half a day reading my paper and suggesting things like "oh, maybe your paper shouldn't include a graph of how long you spent driving to your field site" or "oh, that graph of the variation in mm with SEs, and box-plots and histograms and bell curves and t-tests showing that there was no significant difference in inner-diameter circumference of the bird bands we used is not very useful". Basically, I'll probably just acknowledge Juan, because he rented me this ass.